is it gaslighting? memory problems

[amoreno]

So I have just been recently diagnosed with adult ADHD
(F 32) and while I have always kind of known, I have been able to get by on my own for a lot of time ( that's why I went undiagnosed)
Now I am finally going to therapy and getting some meds ( wellbutrin) but I feel like the meds just take the anxiety away but don't do much else in the ADD department. ( mind you thats great too right now with the state of the world)
Well to the problem, so I a have a psychiatrist and therapist I like them both, and got referred to both, but sometimes I feel like my therapist doesn't know that much of ADD but I don't know, maybe we just don't talk about it and I just talk about my problems and he never gets to show his expertise, I don't know...
Thing is he is also my first therapist so I don't know what a good therapist would be like ( or a bad one).
One time I mentioned I have a hard time doing basic arithmetics because of my bad memory, or that I forget a bunch of things in the short term, like my keys, or my bag, or anything small that doesn't have specific place.
Then he kinda implied that this was because I didn't have confidence in myself, ( like he literally didn't say it, he implied it and then made me say it) and then when I said he said he said, he was super adamant that I had been the one who had said it, in the moment I said ok maybe, maybe I am not confident in my own mind and memory, and thats why I feel like I have a bad memory but then I started to get annoyed like, hey wtf, this feels like when people that don't have add try to convince you that you don't have add and that whatever you are suffering is just how everyone lives. I mean maybe it is just semantics, and he was saying made sense, but I felt super annoyed because I felt gaslighted.
My parents gaslighted me the whole time, I felt like I had ADHD since I was 21 but my parents kept ignoring me because they said I was using it as excuse to be lazy or not commit, so I kept myself out of any type of therapy because I thought I was supposed to prove I could do it and wasn't doing it as an excuse.

Then another time we were talking about prioritizing and my therapist said, oh you know when you do a task you know which one you should do first, and I stared and said, no... I don't.... thats the whole problem, they are just floating around and causing me anxiety and I could sit down and figure out which one is more urgent by its due date, but that only makes me procrastinate until the last minute I can turn them in.

I have trouble doing things I dislike unless there is some type of extrinsic thing pushing me to do it( a promise, a deadline, me getting fired, a social stipulation).
I have other issues but I want to know how to deal with my time, planning, prioritizing and organizing before I move to anything else ( because this is what causes me more anxiety)
But I don't know if I am with the right therapist, because I have never been with another one and I don't know what should I expect from the one I have.

While some of the things he has told me to work, these are things I have already tried and they work one week and then I go back to my usual "lazy" self.
He also said that he thinks that I don't have that much ADD because whenever he sees me I don't look like it, ( I guess that annoyed me too) I don't want you to tell that I have a little or a lot, I want you to show me what I don't know about myself.

I am sorry I am rambling

[Lunacie]

It sounds to me like the therapist really doesn't know much about adhd if he
doesn't know that you can focus very well when you're doing something new,
and then have the usual adhd symptoms when doing the everyday stuff.

If you have a few minutes, google dyscalculia, which is like dyslexia but with
numbers . . . also dyspraxia. I believe I have dyscalculia but not diagnosed,
which means I can't dial a telephone number correctly, can't write down a
number without transposing digits.

Also check out dyspraxia which is common alongside adhd and autism (I have
both) and results in difficulty with coordination. I don't know if that's the reason
I will mean to say "turn left here" and it comes out of my mouth "turn right."

[sarahsweets]

The therapist definitely needs to do a better job. Would you be interested in switching to a new therapist? The thing is if you have adhd It's important to feel validated. He was not validating you he was down playing your concerns. Many therapists are not that knowledgeable about ADHD and say things that they have no information about. It is not your fault. Does your psychiatrist support you?

[amoreno]

Yeah, my psychiatrist supports me because she has ADD too, but she doesn't really do therapy/coaching, I am having a hard time finding a therapist because they either don't specialize or are really expensive.
I was referred to a new therapist that specializes in ADD and she is very expensive, so although I can go, I can't afford to go that often, so I don't know if its worth it if I will only be able to see her once a month ( thats how much I can afford) and starting with a new therapist is always very emotionally taxing, like oh I have to tell "the story" again.

I was thinking of dealing with it books, but we all know we don't do well without accountability, organization and specific guidance...
I just want to get my work skills in order cuz those are the ones that cause the most anxiety and the ones that get me in trouble, thankfully I really my job, but I wish I could do it in a carefree manner and also my masters degree
Thank you so much for replying

Any books that helped you out?

[Kunga Dorji]

Originally Posted by amoreno

My parents gaslighted me the whole time, I felt like I had ADHD since I was 21 but my parents kept ignoring me because they said I was using it as excuse to be lazy or not commit, so I kept myself out of any type of therapy because I thought I was supposed to prove I could do it and wasn't doing it as an excuse.

Forgive me, but would it be gaslighting if we called your parents attitude stupidity and their utterances bad parenting??

The last time that I looked ADHD was defined as a neurodevelopmental condition- ie a brain based medical condition.

We all suffer from these ancient fossilised beliefs that define emotion and motivation as acts of will. As a rule they are not- they are bottom up autopilot behaviours.

[Greyhound1]

Originally Posted by amoreno

He also said that he thinks that I don't have that much ADD because whenever he sees me I don't look like it, ( I guess that annoyed me too)

That would annoy me as well. Judging people by how they look is no way to identify severity or diagnose ADHD. I would want to ask them what a person with ADHD looks like. No where in the DSM does it discuss one’s looks as a method for determining ADHD.

That sounds like a cop out instead of an evaluation to me. Good luck finding an affordable therapist that really understands ADHD.

[Drogheda98]

first off, gaslighting is when somebody takes away our perception of reality, of who we are, what reality is, what we think, what we know (I'm using the term we because of inclusivity and don't want to utilize super ego function)

"I didn't have confidence in myself"

the therapist is correct, and I'm speaking from experience, this lack of self confidence seems to be at the core of people struggling with adhd feelings of being different is very common, if I was a betting man I'd say probably everybody who has adhd has felt the same. we look out at the world, at adds, we read what people say from facebook about medication that does us so much good, while some compare our medication to crack or meth, even though chemicly the medication is different, and ya I've also had those conversations. what I described is a very subtle form of gaslighting but really more ignorance on the other parties account. I don't think ignorance counts as gaslighting, however I'm not sure, nobodies perfect.

however, the medication works for us because of brain chemistry difference, our medication grounds us and allows us to feel feelings and after awhile, the feelings stick even without medication. people without adhd, get wired, we get level headed, two very distinct things.

a very good thing about adhd, because we all have streangths and weaknessess, is we tend to get in the zone more often, but maybee that's just me and doesn't apply to everyone else, if not, ignore the above comment, except for the strengths and weaknesses stuff, that's a very important bit of info to know.

I'll recall and quote something the therapist I go and still go to sometimes (coronavirus has me worried, even though I do like taking calculated chances). "the most important relationship we have, is with ourselves". we build confidence in who we are by kind of being selfish in a healthy way, or without ignoring others, cause way back then, well, some of us where concerned with being weird or different to actually, ehh, acknowledge who we Truly are, cause everybody is different from eachother, and that's what makes us all equal value, strengths and weaknesses.

believing in ourselves is where confidence, and courage, and the healthy form of pride come from, and to, ehh, build that, sometimes we need to block out unhealthy external stimulas.

I'll say something about keys. there are literal keys and then there are keys which are not literal. the difference is literal keys we can see, hold in our hand. a mental key is more like "the key to sleep is relaxing", two difference things, one literal, one more bodily.

I'll talk a bit about visualizing, ever visualize? it's when we see ourselves, or others in our own mind, we can do the same with places or things or even idea's of concepts, such as the word "baseball", try to visualize any baseball game. we can do this with lots of things, like when we put literal things down we can take a mental note, or mental snapshot like a camera, then when we we say "where'd the keys go" we can think of the mental snapshot of the place external or ourselves we layed the keys down.

I don't know about all people, but lets say, some smart people think they are dumb because they don't believe they are smart, same with pretty much everything about the "who" in " who we are", which is kind of like the saying from einstien "teach a fish to climb a tree", I think I got the quote wrong heh. which is why believing and having a relationship with ourselves first and formost, is the key.

[Lunacie]

Close. There's no proof that Albert Einstein wrote that, but it's a great thought.

Everybody is a Genius. But If You Judge a Fish by Its Ability to Climb a Tree,
It Will Live Its Whole Life Believing that It is Stupid.

This is how my family made me feel, not because they were deliberately trying
to gaslight me, it's just they could do math, my brother could do math, but I
struggled with math. So I felt stupid.

Brother even tried to help me with algebra in return for my helping him edit
spelling and grammar in his term papers. I was 2 years younger and I don't
know if the parents ever made him feel bad for not being good at spelling and
grammar. Maybe I was oversensitive and read things into their comments.

Dad said sons helped Dad with his work and girls helped Mom in the house.
So when I took driver's ed my freshman year, I got in the car, buckled up,
and sat there waiting. The teacher was amazed that I didn't know how to
drive because my brother had already known when he took driver's ed.

And that made me feel stupid, even though it was a generational stereotype
thing that had nothing to do with my intelligence.

[Drogheda98]

precisely lunacie, and thanks for correcting the quote, seriously, Einstein is a hero of mine and I feel embarrassed when I misquote em

I think you, are good at english, and not so much at math (the streangth and weakness thing) , lunacie do you feel good when you wright?

" The teacher was amazed that I didn't know how to
drive because my brother had already known when he took driver's ed"

comparing ourselfs with others until we get a vauguly good understanding of our ourselves is what anxiety is. I bet your brother could drive well, but couldn't wright himself out of a paper bag

"Maybe I was oversensitive and read things into their comments."

never doubt the self. if that is how you remember it that is how you remember it.

"And that made me feel stupid, even though it was a generational stereotype
thing that had nothing to do with my intelligence."

I'd say, 100% correct on your part, never dougt the self, even if external infuinces want you to.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Drogheda98

first off, gaslighting is when somebody takes away our perception of reality, of who we are, what reality is, what we think, what we know (I'm using the term we because of inclusivity and don't want to utilize super ego function)

I agree with your idea of gaslighting but I do not think the op really needs that right now.

"I didn't have confidence in myself"

the therapist is correct, and I'm speaking from experience, this lack of self confidence seems to be at the core of people struggling with adhd feelings of being different is very common, if I was a betting man I'd say probably everybody who has adhd has felt the same. we look out at the world, at adds, we read what people say from facebook about medication that does us so much good, while some compare our medication to crack or meth, even though chemicly the medication is different, and ya I've also had those conversations. what I described is a very subtle form of gaslighting but really more ignorance on the other parties account. I don't think ignorance counts as gaslighting, however I'm not sure, nobodies perfect.

I agree with you very much.

a very good thing about adhd, because we all have streangths and weaknessess, is we tend to get in the zone more often, but maybee that's just me and doesn't apply to everyone else, if not, ignore the above comment, except for the strengths and weaknesses stuff, that's a very important bit of info to know.

I understand what you mean but I def dont think its something that most people with adhd would say. I would love to be able to get in the zone but even with medication its a struggle.

[Lunacie]

Too bad the OP hasn't returned. I think this is an interesting discussion.

I mentioned this discussion to my adult daughter tonight and how this business
of strengths and weaknesses is something we still struggle with concerning my
18 year old autistic granddaughter, who may also have a bit of adhd.

We should both know better, but still kinda feel like she "should" be able to do
x, y or z just because she can manage a, b or c. She may never be able to tell
time, or tie a shoe or trash bag, but she can do quite a bit on the computer.

After years of hearing from others "If you can do this, why can't you do that?",
you might think I was more aware of putting that judgment on others. Maybe
it's a parental thing?

[Drogheda98]

ya, shoulds are the bain of anybodies existence past a certain age.

and I'd say it's definitely a parent thing, when I first started to say the word "you" without any projection was the day I identified with my father., and could read the same word without automatically reflexivity

[Drogheda98]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I agree with your idea of gaslighting but I do not think the op really needs that right now.
I agree with you very much.
I understand what you mean but I def dont think its something that most people with adhd would say. I would love to be able to get in the zone but even with medication its a struggle.

I'll make a mental note of what you said sarah