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  #46  
Old 10-28-16, 09:37 PM
grinningsoul grinningsoul is offline
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Re: helping him stick to something

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Originally Posted by acdc01 View Post
Is he willing to go to a therapist? His problems seem to extend far beyond just hobbies. His dislike of not sticking to his hobbies seems only a manefestatiin of his dislike for himself.
He's mentioned that he probably needs therapy, but he doesn't feel like he has time for it with his work schedule.
He takes add medication when he needs it, and like i said, he's pretty high functioning so it's not a super urgent need. I'm sure he'd benefit from it though. Anyone would. But maybe sometime in the future, when he's ready.

Does anyone recommend any self help type things, in the meantime?
Maybe he would feel less bad about himself if he chatted with some of you guys here about this stuff. I saw a study saying meditation could help with focus. Anyone try it?
Any other suggestions?
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  #47  
Old 10-28-16, 09:58 PM
ToneTone ToneTone is offline
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Re: helping him stick to something

I don't see coworkers stepping in occasionally to help other coworkers as rescuing. For one, the help is usually public and above board. In fact, when someone helps us at work, the recipient of the favor is delighted to thank the person who helped them "out of a jam." No resentment, I'm happy that X stepped in to help me when I had badly planned something.

In fact, in such a situation--helping a coworker out of a jam--it's usually understood that the helper can later go to the person who is helped to ask for a favor in return at some point. The other difference is helping people "out of a jam" is usually defined ("Jam at work on Thursday on Project X" and temporary.

Helping each other is a great thing. I just don't think "rescuing" and becoming invested in changing someone's entire life is a clean way of helping. And rescuing is usually not reciprocal.

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  #48  
Old 10-28-16, 10:06 PM
grinningsoul grinningsoul is offline
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Re: helping him stick to something

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My experience with my own partner is very unlike dvdnvwls' experience with his verbally/emotionally abusive ex-wife. To me it sounds as though -- even if you may not understand his motives or feelings perfectly (and who can ever know the true contents of another's mind?) -- you are trying to learn and understand and be supportive, and that's great.
Thank you. Yes that's why I'm here.

Quote:
what you boyfriend has said could also represent exactly how he really feels. You won't know unless you ask him, and let him know that you love him the way he is.
This is good advice. I'm not the type, to say "i love you" lol so yeah maybe I should work on that. And to clear this up, I have asked him, "why do you feel like you need to be really good at something?" and the answer was about feeling like he is wasting his life, and the fear that he will die before he accomplishes anything. It has been an issue all his life.
His parents were very critical and not supportive. Worst combo for an add kid.
He's got add meds that he takes when needed. Used to be on antidepressants a few years back. Not anymore.
I commented on therapy in another post. He's not interested in doing it now because of time and work. Maybe in the future though.
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  #49  
Old 10-28-16, 10:17 PM
grinningsoul grinningsoul is offline
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Re: helping him stick to something

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I don't see coworkers stepping in occasionally to help other coworkers as rescuing. For one, the help is usually public and above board. In fact, when someone helps us at work, the recipient of the favor is delighted to thank the person who helped them "out of a jam." No resentment, I'm happy that X stepped in to help me when I had badly planned something.

In fact, in such a situation--helping a coworker out of a jam--it's usually understood that the helper can later go to the person who is helped to ask for a favor in return at some point. The other difference is helping people "out of a jam" is usually defined ("Jam at work on Thursday on Project X" and temporary.

Helping each other is a great thing. I just don't think "rescuing" and becoming invested in changing someone's entire life is a clean way of helping. And rescuing is usually not reciprocal.
Yes! I'm not rescuing him because there's nothing to fix
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  #50  
Old 10-28-16, 10:56 PM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
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Re: helping him stick to something

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Originally Posted by grinningsoul View Post
Yes! I'm not rescuing him because there's nothing to fix
So... don't waste time trying to help him stick to anything - problem solved!
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  #51  
Old 10-29-16, 02:28 AM
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Re: helping him stick to something

Was he a very bright and gifted child? did people assume that he would go on to great things? and then he thought this too. plus if his parents weee critical, that makes everything twice as difficult
This is a terrible thing when as you get older you see that you lack elements ( organizing, following throuh, even starring) to accomplish the things that you truly beleived you were destined to do or become; in the meantime people around you become successful.
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  #52  
Old 10-29-16, 01:14 PM
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Re: helping him stick to something

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Was he a very bright and gifted child? did people assume that he would go on to great things? and then he thought this too. plus if his parents weee critical, that makes everything twice as difficult
This is a terrible thing when as you get older you see that you lack elements ( organizing, following throuh, even starring) to accomplish the things that you truly beleived you were destined to do or become; in the meantime people around you become successful.
Yes. He was an A student until he hit high school. Then he just couldn't bring himself to do the "busy work" assignments and his grades dropped. His parents blamed him for it and no one realized something was wrong. He didn't get help/meds till college.
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  #53  
Old 10-29-16, 01:24 PM
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Re: helping him stick to something

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Imagine that you were to stay with him for five more years and then HE decides he doesn't want to be with you. Would you feel deeply betrayed? Would you feel like, "I put up with all your stuff and now YOU dump me?" If so, that's an indication that you really aren't happy with the relationship. And by the way, I have been dumped by people I thought I was helping! Wanna talk about pain ... and about feeling foolish ... oh man!
This is really really good advice. Well said. I see this attitude happen in alot of relationships around me. The answer for me is no. I don't really see relationships as a time investment that gets wasted when it's over. We've got a good thing going. I can see how that's an easy trap to fall into though, and I'll keep this question in mind. thank you.
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  #54  
Old 10-29-16, 03:40 PM
Cyllya Cyllya is offline
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Re: helping him stick to something

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Originally Posted by grinningsoul View Post
I'm not trying to solve a problem. I can't stress that enough.
I'm here looking for information on how to talk to him about this subject whenever it comes up, in a sensitive understanding way. That's all.
Hmm, if you just want a way to talk to him to make him feel better... It's worth keeping in mind that when someone complains about problems they are having, it's not necessarily a solicitation for advice or help. Sometimes they're just venting, looking for sympathy, making conversation, etc.

So when he complains about his time-wastefulness or lack of achievement, it may be best to say something like "I'm sorry you're going through this" plus a hug.

Quote:
He takes add medication when he needs it, and like i said, he's pretty high functioning so it's not a super urgent need.
It doesn't sound like he's particularly high-functioning. If he actually has initiation impairment, medication can help with that. (For me, it only helps temporarily, but I'm not sure if other people have that problem.) It's not going to help when he's not taking it though.

How it tends to work with untreated initiation impairment:
Want to do something > mysteriously can't do it > feel bored from not doing anything > do something else that's easy and mildly amusing but useless and unfulfilling > feel unhappy about all this

Without initiation impairment, or when it's removed by treatment:
Want to do something > do it

Initiation impairment is the weirdest problem ever. It doesn't even feel like a mental health problem; it just feels like you need to try harder. But while trying super-hard is necessary, it's not going to work well as the only solution. It's like being "lazy," except normal laziness comes with the expectation of some kind of benefit. People who are lazy for normal reasons can stop being lazy when it suits them.

ADHD meds aren't really designed to be used on an "as needed" basis. Psychiatric meds in general tend to have withdrawal effects too, so if he's not taking the meds daily, it's quite possible he'll be depressed the day after taking one.
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  #55  
Old 10-29-16, 05:23 PM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
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Re: helping him stick to something

I agree with Cyllya about medication. For ADHD, "as needed" equals "if you're awake, you need it".

I guess I'm "high functioning" in terms of being intelligent etc. But my ability to really function day to day as normal people do is often extremely low. Lots of ADHDers are like that.
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  #56  
Old 11-14-18, 10:37 AM
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Re: helping him stick to something

He should try coding or blogging. The thing with coding is that there's always new stuff to learn everyday and there are new problems to solve all the time. Coding never becomes boring since the knowledge is always changing and there are different ways to code one thing. You can never be the prefect coder because bugs are bound to arise often. He should try out learning how to code at CodeAcademy.

With blogging, this is also perfect. It's al low level skill but there are multiple topics he can write about. Maybe he can also get encourage by having an audience (readers) who rely on the topics and articles he will post. He can start to create a free website for now using a website builder like hPage where he can start writing blog entries. Moreover, he can also start practicing coding minimally with the website as well.

Last edited by namazu; 11-14-18 at 03:51 PM.. Reason: Please see ADDF guidelines -- no links to websites selling products or services.
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  #57  
Old 01-20-19, 04:50 PM
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Re: helping him stick to something

This is a great thread. Thanks to everyone for your comments. I want to go back and read everything more carefully (will I?), I think because they strike the nail directly on the board of motivation, follow-thru, emotional regulation, relational context and expectations that get created. The comment about coming from a long line of people who either didnít quite live in reality, or made up for the fact someone didnít, couldnít or wonít. Yes, the rescuers and enablers. Sometimes these start off completely innocuous, subtle, hard do perceive, and yet over time disappointments accumulate and someone is left frustrated, unhappy, etc. ... You can say everything is fine for now, and maybe it really is day by day. For me I have this incredible ability to create (at least sometimes positive) emotions in the present tense, yet an inability to make them amount to anything. I get tired of this. Other people get very tired of this. I want to reread all this but my quick answer, is that we really canít do much of anything for someone else other than get out of their way and maybe accept them as they are even with their own inefficiencies. Turns out this is not so easy in practice, because we want them, ourselves to live up to some kind of potential. And maybe for some of us, what I call the constellation of all things ADHD precludes progress.
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  #58  
Old 01-23-19, 06:06 PM
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Re: helping him stick to something

After returning to this thread several times. ... My favorite russian holistic doctor claims shoulds are the source of all mental disturbances. Maybe he is right. That aside, I am not sure you can help someone else be more or better connected to what they are not (the intrinsic self or simply "to life") ... even when the daily life / work relationships look ok, let's say they are functional, it does not mean the person suffering from some kind of disconnect (here ADHD) is really moved by all this. Stated differently, I kind of doubt whether someone else can fix /repair/ remedy anything in me. Sometimes I get help with management of various things and sometimes I experience intimate closeness and acceptance, but I cannot copy things or even methods that motivate other people, or they get excited about. So the intention or desire of someone else for me to be more connected, well is just that (and unfortunately over time it becomes something else). There is some kind of distrust in the process whereby connections are imagined in realized. I can be temporarily energized and get things done but this is not what I am talking about.
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