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  #16  
Old 02-20-18, 10:01 AM
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Re: relationship hyper focus

I appreciate your post about this a lot, OyVeyKitty, its actually pretty simple described this way, but the solution unfortunately isn't :-)

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Originally Posted by OyVeyKitty View Post

In short, without spending a lot of time on self-development, emotional regulation and self-reflection we can be a serious handful to deal with. Even more so for ourselves than for others.In fact, ADHD has some serious overlap with Borderline Personality Disorder in this regard, which should really demonstrate just how much this (often ignored) aspect of ADHD can hold us back in life.
My spouse is diagnosed with and in treatement for Borderline, and i can indeed confirm the overlap to a certain extent. The dysregulation originates differently and we vary in the ways we act on our dysregulation inward or outward. Ironically i learned a lot about my own inner dysregulation by trying to understand hers.

Its probably largely an unconscious process, but with ADD you can end up expecting to a certain extent that your partner co-regulates these emotions for you, and when they can't you fall back on either acting out frustrations or hyperfocusing away from the r/s to avoid uncomfortable feelings you have a hard time managing on your own.

In the end i think the trick is to reach a stage where you are able to self-regulate your emotions and the motivation/avoidance that results from these emotions.

Self-Regulation pretty much comes down to a healthy (inner/emotional) lifestyle which sometimes goes directly against all the nifty coping mechanisms that ADD produces. Instead of navigating between our (extreme) ups and downs, self-regulation would more consistently place us somewhere in the middle. Just reading that might make it a very boring place to be for an add'er, but i don't think it has to be :-)
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  #17  
Old 02-20-18, 10:15 AM
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Re: relationship hyper focus

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Well itís considered part of executive function. We all have executive function difficultyís to some level

Regulating emotion through someone else is the most common form of emotional regulation

If I canít regulate my emotions. How could I regulate someone elseís?
I think we can actually regulate our emotions, and even help regulate the emotions of close ones. We can do that but only... some of the time.

And that is probably the most troublesome relational issue, that how hard we may try, we have trouble being consistent. Even when we are able to make it look consistent in front of our close ones, internally it's a completely different picture as we often cannot even predict our mood changes and focus shifts within the next hour.
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  #18  
Old 02-20-18, 03:30 PM
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Re: relationship hyper focus

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Originally Posted by daveddd View Post
Well it’s considered part of executive function. We all have executive function difficulty’s to some level

Regulating emotion through someone else is the most common form of emotional regulation

If I can’t regulate my emotions. How could I regulate someone else’s?

I have ADHD but with higher awareness of the purpose of the human attachment/attunement relationship, I can still help my son develop and regulate his (lower subcortical) emotions, his (middle limbic) emotional memories, and his (higher cortical) regulation of emotions.

Self-awareness also helps me sometimes self-parent myself, a little more. (“some of the time” -DeClutter)









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Old 02-20-18, 03:58 PM
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Re: relationship hyper focus

"Oh my dear, I'm afraid you have no self-control."
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  #20  
Old 02-20-18, 04:13 PM
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Re: relationship hyper focus

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"Oh my dear, I'm afraid you have no self-control."
OH NO! With that empty cockpit, who is flying this plane then?
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Old 02-20-18, 05:22 PM
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Re: relationship hyper focus

Really interesting stuff guys thanks

We’ve had some great threads on the relationship of adhd and borderline. And the genetic relationship

Complicated stuff. No one really knows the exact nature or reasons of emotion dysregulation buts it’s generally worse under stress in any disorder

I guess I was looking for some stuff to talk about in therapy

I find I can control anger very well. Have normal sadness. My issues are intimacy emotions. Self esteem regulation. Attachment emotions. And I don’t feel many positive emotions any more

All a result of adhd throughout the life


Hopefully my therapist can help me out.
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  #22  
Old 02-20-18, 05:24 PM
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Re: relationship hyper focus

I understand the regulation issues in adhd well. Unfortunately that doesn’t do me much good

ADHD has its roots in biology It’s likely the hand I’ll be playing for life
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Old 02-20-18, 06:21 PM
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Re: relationship hyper focus

I don't even have a poker face.
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  #24  
Old 02-21-18, 03:34 AM
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Re: relationship hyper focus

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ADHD has its roots in biology Itís likely the hand Iíll be playing for life
I think we just have to accept that, it is a lifelong condition, and there is no point in running away from it, or trying to force yourself in being "normal".

It's only when you truly accept it that you can start to live with it, and cope through a well-tailored self-care strategy. I used to see exercise, getting enough sleep, eating healthy, structure, planning your day to day life all as totally useless and essentially boring tasks that just interfered with an exciting lifestyle.

Now i realise more and more that they actually are beneficial in adhd treatment, when incorporated in the right amount. You have to reach that sweet point between a structured healthy lifestyle and still keeping your life somewhat free and exciting.
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