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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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Old 03-15-09, 12:54 AM
copperpenny copperpenny is offline
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What to do about a friend who keeps calling in a pushy annoying way

This may seem trivial, but I have a friend who keeps calling me and inviting me to do things. I am going through a difficult time: family issues, employment uncertainties, adjusting and learning to use adderall after getting diagnosed just a few months ago.

She is aware of everything going on, but keeps calling me and inviting me to do really trivial things that I simply don't have the time or energy or interest for. I have tried to delicately tell her this many times, but she keeps calling and being pushy. It almost feels like she has this uncontrollable impulse: i mention the difficult specific problems i am trying to figure out that day, she forces herself to listen, then as soon as I finish, she unleashes her inevitable "I really want to do this, want to come?" in a way that if she had to wait another 2 seconds she would burst.

I hate to say this, but part of the reason I haven't more bluntly ignored her is because I just think "well, she's very smart and probably has some connections that I might need in the future." I am just so turned off by her pushiness that even when I do have time, I don't want to spend it with her.

I know adderall makes you a little reclusive and want to sit on your computer for hours and read wikipedia. I do socialize occassionally, but with the way she's acting (combo of pushiness and obliviousness/disregard), hanging out with her seems like a waste of time.

I tried to give the benefit of the doubt tell myself that she is just trying to distract me from my problems, but it just feels weird to have someone call so much, and not even sincerely ask "how are you?" but immediately jump into talking about what they want to do that night and will you come?

I feel like now I am the villain or the hermit. I have never had someone so unresponsive to basic social feedback (e.g. the ratio of her calling me to me calling her is about 20:1, no joke).

And again, I hate to say it, but I am just worried that I will alienate someone that I might need or want for shallow purposes in a few months or so.

Anybody had a similar experience?
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Old 03-15-09, 02:29 AM
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Re: What to do about a friend who keeps calling in a pushy annoying way

Quote:
Originally Posted by copperpenny View Post

I hate to say this, but part of the reason I haven't more bluntly ignored her is because I just think "well, she's very smart and probably has some connections that I might need in the future." I am just so turned off by her pushiness that even when I do have time, I don't want to spend it with her.
Sounds like a match made in heaven.
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Old 03-15-09, 02:35 AM
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Re: What to do about a friend who keeps calling in a pushy annoying way

well, pending her potential future usefulness, I guess you have to just suck it up, or you decide, screw it and hammer it home.
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Old 03-15-09, 04:22 AM
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Re: What to do about a friend who keeps calling in a pushy annoying way

This is why I E-mail my ADD partner and never call. I know how pushy I would seem when he's being reclusive if I called everytime I felt like telling him something or inviting him somewhere. Heck, the E-mails alone probably seem pretty pushy.

Non-ADD perspective:

It's possible she doesn't understand how ADD affects you. She may be thinking that you need reminders of her presence. She may be trying to be a fun-bringer, so you won't get bored with her. She may be thinking that the best way to "solve" your problems is to take your mind off them. Regardless, she wants to be at the forefront of your mind when your mind shifts to socializing. She very much enjoys your company. It's a compliment.

Maybe compromise with her? Reassure her that she's someone you want to stay in contact with (though you might not want to say why), but tell her to E-mail you. It will be less invasive than the phone calls, and you can disregard them until you're ready to look at them. Reassure her you'll see everything she sends, but let her know you'll only respond if you're in the right frame of mind for socializing, so she should expect many of those E-mails to go unanswered, and she should try not to take it personally.
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Old 03-15-09, 12:17 PM
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Re: What to do about a friend who keeps calling in a pushy annoying way

It sounds like you don't particularly like this person, yet you're concerned that you might need her in the future because of her connections.

I see a couple of options -

1. Fake it and put out, so you can use her later.

2. Own up to the fact that you don't really like her, and that in keeping people around for potential usage in the future you create situations just like this one. Ask yourself if this makes you happy, and when it's clear that it doesn't, address the situation with her calling you so much. I like the email idea.
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