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  #1  
Old 02-28-16, 12:24 AM
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These forums as a place for support

After another night of tears, I realized that I need to start over somehow and what better place to do so then the place I called home for so long.

I just wanted to say that these forums are first and foremost a place for support. Those who come here are often in very real distress and accepting others, touching their hearts and connecting with them is at the heart and soul of what these forums stand for.

I've been meaning to say that for a while now but I was too lost, too disconnected and my life was eclipsed by a shell that was also my prison.

A question that crossed my mind, a while back, is how do we help others move forward, grow as a people and make their time on these forums a time of growth, something that will leave its mark and give them the strength to confront their demons and stop being afraid to just be themselves.

I believe that when we try to help others, this is something that we should keep in mind. This should not be a place in which we come to, to give up on our lives and to accept that we will never find a way to dig ourselves out of the hole that life has dug for us. There is always hope and cultivating it in others, helping them believe that anything is possible and that just because they are struggling right now and all they can see it darkness, it doesn't mean that tomorrow, or the day after things won't be a tiny bit easier and the sun might shine a bit brighter through the dense fog of inattention.

Anyway, I just felt like saying this because this is my community and it is also yours and I feel that it is up to all of us together to make it a community that we can be proud of.

One last thing, if you are struggling and in pain, please don't be afraid to reach out to others. I am always happy to listen and to give support and many others here feel the same way.

Much hugs and love,



Eveline
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Old 02-28-16, 12:44 AM
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Re: These forums as a place for support

Tazoz, I'm so sorry you've been going thru a diffcult time. I love what you wrote. For myself, I don't know what I'm doing. I care to be a positive force, not as in 'happy happy" but really to be there for people, to offer a shoulder, or a bit of yak yaks or even the occaisional advice.

It's not easy for me, because as verbose as I can seem on the forum, I'm reserved and have difficulty reaching out or even at times getting to know people. I always think I'm approachable but then it's likely I'm less so than I think.

I know I care about the people here, and I hope that I add in a way such that people don't feel any sense of hopelessness.

Beautiful post
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  #3  
Old 02-28-16, 02:08 AM
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Re: These forums as a place for support

I find myself probably sounding like a broken record, but so be it.

A great big yes to this being a support forum.

And a great big no to the mistaken idea that "support" means "everybody is always right about everything and no idea should ever be thrown out" - which too often lately is what it is taken to mean. I support you. I support people. No person is wrong, as a person. Many many ideas are wrong, as ideas. It isn't healthy or helpful or kind, to confuse the two.
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Old 02-28-16, 02:43 AM
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Re: These forums as a place for support

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Originally Posted by dvdnvwls View Post
I find myself probably sounding like a broken record, but so be it.

A great big yes to this being a support forum.

And a great big no to the mistaken idea that "support" means "everybody is always right about everything and no idea should ever be thrown out" - which too often lately is what it is taken to mean. I support you. I support people. No person is wrong, as a person. Many many ideas are wrong, as ideas. It isn't healthy or helpful or kind, to confuse the two.

Dvd, your reply does worry me. Nothing that I said should have elicited such a negative and hostile response which shows that you placed me as part of a group that you are in conflict with. I did know that in the past there were endless hostilities and conflicts but I hoped that everyone made up because what's the point... most people come here to get some peace and comfort and there is little merit or personal gain in attacking others and making them feel bad.

Whatever elicited the response, it is not doing you or anyone else any good to continue perpetuating such a conflict or narrative. As I said, I've been away for a long time and have gone through the worst year of my life and believe me I've been through a lot during my life, I am a childhood cancer survivor. My hope is that these forums can serve as a way for me to hold on and stop falling and my post reflected that hope. It saddens me that the second reply to a thread that I posted that was meant to just cultivate a more supportive atmosphere, something that as I said is at the heart of any support forum was so confrontational.

Please, consider my words carefully, I really don't mean you any harm and my intention was never to hurt anyone.

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Old 02-28-16, 02:47 AM
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Re: These forums as a place for support



((((((((((((((Tazy))))))))))))))

Very well said. I love this place.
I've gone my entire life always being on the outside. Never fitting in. Never getting anyone, and worse yet...losing all hope that I'd ever find anyone in the world who would get ME! I've been so lonely for so many years.
Who knew there was a bunch of people a lot like me in this world?

Yeah.
I love this place.

((((((((((((((ADDF))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((ALL YOU ADDF'ers))))))))))))))
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Old 02-28-16, 04:25 AM
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Re: These forums as a place for support

Long time no see. It's good to see you. I'm sorry you've had a tough year. Please know we are here for you too.
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Old 02-28-16, 06:05 AM
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Re: These forums as a place for support

This place has already done so much for me

Thse who were around when I joined will probably remember what a mess I was and will remember how much support I needed

I hope I'm beginning to "pay it back" for all the support, love and friendship I've recieved here
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Old 02-28-16, 06:57 AM
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Re: These forums as a place for support

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Originally Posted by midnightstar View Post
This place has already done so much for me

Thse who were around when I joined will probably remember what a mess I was and will remember how much support I needed

I hope I'm beginning to "pay it back" for all the support, love and friendship I've recieved here
You more than already have!!!
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Old 02-28-16, 10:30 AM
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Re: These forums as a place for support

tazoz

i may be terrible at words of support

but i feel for you

dave
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Old 02-28-16, 10:33 AM
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Re: These forums as a place for support

I guess it also depends on what kind of support someone is looking for. Like if a parent posts that they are at the end of their rope and they dont understand their difficult emotional kid and they are ready to punish them in a harsh or non-adhd friendlly way, then even if its a vent, i feel like I should speak up and explain why certain things are not going to work. I dont feel I need to support what they are thinking of doing or how they see adhd if it is going to cause harm. Support is good, but it also has to be realistic. There are plenty of spouses that come her to bash and complain about their adhd partner under the guise of 'venting' yet they sound so bitter and malicious, I dont feel like I can support them.
Imagine if I didnt like the way my adhd kid was acting I said they needed willpower and were obviously weak. Would it be good to offer me support? I hope that wouldnt happen. I think education about adhd under any circumstances still has to be realistic. And if someone is spewing venom and then ends it with "just venting" well thats a cop out IMO.
Support doesnt have to be mean but it doesnt always feel warm and fuzzy. I needed support to stop drinking. If someone had told me it was bad willpower I never would have stopped because it would have made me feel bad. OR if someone and said 'poor thing, its ok, let it out" and never hit me with a dose of realism I still would have been drinking.
We have many ways of re-working stuff to support our opinions. especially bad ones.

I dont know if I am making sense. Overall I try my hardest to say what I mean, but not be mean when I say it, but being impulsive, direct and blunt sometimes makes its seem like I am not interested in support.
I guess it all comes down to intent. I dont know.
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Old 02-28-16, 11:17 AM
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Re: These forums as a place for support

Hugs and healing vibes to you, taz. Thank you for sharing your heart.

I can only hope I project the same supportive vibes I feel I receive from this sacred space.

I sometimes feel I may be a bit too fond of visiting, sharing, and posting in the chit-chatting arena throughout my days and may need to wean myself, but for now, I remain immersed and eternally grateful.
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Old 02-28-16, 11:59 AM
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Re: These forums as a place for support

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Originally Posted by Unmanagable View Post
I sometimes feel I may be a bit too fond of visiting, sharing, and posting in the chit-chatting arena throughout my days and may need to wean myself, but for now, I remain immersed and eternally grateful.
I've felt the same way many times. lol sometimes I talk & share too much
I love that there's 'regulars' that post as often as they do here though. This place wouldn't be what it is without you guys ...so keep posting away!
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Old 02-28-16, 12:29 PM
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Re: These forums as a place for support

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Originally Posted by tazoz View Post
Dvd, your reply does worry me. Nothing that I said should have elicited such a negative and hostile response which shows that you placed me as part of a group that you are in conflict with. I did know that in the past there were endless hostilities and conflicts but I hoped that everyone made up because what's the point... most people come here to get some peace and comfort and there is little merit or personal gain in attacking others and making them feel bad.

Whatever elicited the response, it is not doing you or anyone else any good to continue perpetuating such a conflict or narrative. As I said, I've been away for a long time and have gone through the worst year of my life and believe me I've been through a lot during my life, I am a childhood cancer survivor. My hope is that these forums can serve as a way for me to hold on and stop falling and my post reflected that hope. It saddens me that the second reply to a thread that I posted that was meant to just cultivate a more supportive atmosphere, something that as I said is at the heart of any support forum was so confrontational.

Please, consider my words carefully, I really don't mean you any harm and my intention was never to hurt anyone.

I'm truly sorry to have caused you any distress. My reply has nothing at all to do with you personally, and is about an overall difficult and disturbing trend on the forum in which a "support" mantra has at times become twisted into an effort to muzzle all those who disagree with anyone ever about anything. I hope - and I'm beginning to think I have good reason to hope - that that problem is gradually coming to an end.

You certainly didn't deserve to have your thread about support mangled in this way. It has been a sore point with me for some time that the "this is a support forum!!" rallying cry has been being abused in an attempt to stifle honest discussion. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding that I've caused.
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Old 02-28-16, 12:42 PM
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Re: These forums as a place for support

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I guess it also depends on what kind of support someone is looking for. Like if a parent posts that they are at the end of their rope and they dont understand their difficult emotional kid and they are ready to punish them in a harsh or non-adhd friendlly way, then even if its a vent, i feel like I should speak up and explain why certain things are not going to work. I dont feel I need to support what they are thinking of doing or how they see adhd if it is going to cause harm. Support is good, but it also has to be realistic. There are plenty of spouses that come her to bash and complain about their adhd partner under the guise of 'venting' yet they sound so bitter and malicious, I dont feel like I can support them.
Imagine if I didnt like the way my adhd kid was acting I said they needed willpower and were obviously weak. Would it be good to offer me support? I hope that wouldnt happen. I think education about adhd under any circumstances still has to be realistic. And if someone is spewing venom and then ends it with "just venting" well thats a cop out IMO.
Support doesnt have to be mean but it doesnt always feel warm and fuzzy. I needed support to stop drinking. If someone had told me it was bad willpower I never would have stopped because it would have made me feel bad. OR if someone and said 'poor thing, its ok, let it out" and never hit me with a dose of realism I still would have been drinking.
We have many ways of re-working stuff to support our opinions. especially bad ones.

I dont know if I am making sense. Overall I try my hardest to say what I mean, but not be mean when I say it, but being impulsive, direct and blunt sometimes makes its seem like I am not interested in support.
I guess it all comes down to intent. I dont know.
I agree, I do feel that it is important to be blunt sometimes especially when the person that I am talking to is acting in a way that might be hurtful to someone else. In such cases, I often try to to explain why I view the actions as hurtful and help the person I am talking to understand the other person's perspective better. I do try to keep in mind that when I write a message, I am also writing it for every other person reading the thread and if a person seeks out validation of an opinion that is clearly hurtful the correct thing to do is often to explain why it is hurtful.

However, the challenge is to do so without hurting anyone. Just because I disagree with someone, it doesn't mean that they deserve to be hurt and I often find that actions that I believe that I am doing for someone else's sake are in reality a reflection of my own desires, anger or fears. What makes things more complicated is that in such cases I am talking on someone else's behalf and as such the parent can perceive my views as that of their child or partner. If I attack the parent without regards for that person's feelings, the parent might in turn attack their child in response.

Support does come in many forms and every person has their own way of helping others and their own specific needs. I've often found that simply saying that I understand and giving a hug can mean the world to someone who feels hurt or rejected. Alternatively, some might find it more helpful if I clarify things and help them understand themselves or others better and in such cases, giving information and sharing stories can be more helpful. It all comes down to listening and trying to understand what a person is going through and trying to help them cope. While helping others can often result in me understanding myself better as a result of reflecting on an issue that has also been disturbing me, I believe that the ultimate goal should always be to make the life of the person that I am talking to a tiny bit better. To ease their pain, calm them, help them cope with fears or anxieties, help them understand themselves or others better or just make them a tiny bit happier.

There is nothing wrong with debating issues and trying to understand things better through discussion. However, there is a time and place for everything and acting in a confrontational manner when addressing someone who is asking for support can be extremely harmful and hurtful and can sometimes even have tragic consequences. I can never really know how serious a person's situation really is and as such it is important for me to be careful and to know when to back away and apologize if something I said was taken badly and the person I was talking to expresses any form of emotional pain.

That's at least, how I understand things. I know that I've made many mistakes over the years and I've often found myself pacing around anxiously, afraid that what I said will be perceived negatively, because I simply did not know how the other person is going to react. I do try to accept others for who they are, help them them feel that they are not alone and try to help them feel at home in the community.

Thank you everyone for the kind responses, they really did mean a lot to me and I hope you find my words in this post meaningful in some way.



Eveline
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Old 02-28-16, 01:43 PM
DJ Bill DJ Bill is offline
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Re: These forums as a place for support

When you Google most any topic having to do with ADD/ADHD you always seem to get a link to this forum. That's how I found you guys. And I certainly found support here, with a bunch of caring people that helped me to get through my early days of actually knowing that this was my main issue in life. The search function and just browsing the forums has dug up a lot of great informational posts, many by people I do not see here now. Even though it was a different bunch back when, it still was populated with caring individuals of all types.

I do think when it is somebody's first few posts, that they might be in a bad place and not take too well to the head on confrontation of the flaws in their reasoning and understanding. A gentle touch might convince them we do care, and what we have to say can then be taken as trying to help, rather than an attack.

Just my thoughts, worth exactly what you paid for them or a little less.

And Hi. tazoz.. welcome back from a newbie.
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