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Old 03-06-20, 07:24 AM
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ShipwreckSiren ShipwreckSiren is offline

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Have you ever called out of work because you accidentally took Adderall at night?

**Sheepishly raises hand**

I think this is my 2nd to 3rd time in a little over a year.

I have to wake up at 5am to be to work by 7am. I take 30mg Adderall XR once daily at 5am. I also have bipolar and canít sleep as well on Adderall so I also take a really small dose of Seroquel about 1.5 hours before bedtime.

I went to bed at 11:55pm. At 12:45am I woke up and looked at the clock and started freaking out. I was groggy and thought for some reason my alarm hadnít gone off and I was going to be late work. But I was so groggy that I was confused and couldnít remember when my train came to know if I were actually late.

My normal routine is my big loud alarm goes off across the room so that I have to get out of bed to turn it off. I keep my meds there and take my Adderall when I turn off the alarm. Then I lie back down and have like double digits of alarms to wake me as Adderall is kicking in and also waking me up. I used to keep my meds on my nightstand until the last time this happened.

Iíve had these sleep walking-ish periods for a long time even before I took seroquel. They started when I was in high school and got worse after something happened in college that gave me ptsd that I worked through. But I essentially will do things like turn on the lamp and start looking for something in the bed or under the bed. Iíve never actually left the room and sometimes I only realize Iíve done this if I wake up and my lamp is on.

Anyway I lie back down. About 1:44am I start coming to and now with Adderall in effect I realize what fresh hell Iíve put myself in. Last time it was close enough that I was able to throw it up but this time there was no way. So I emailed my manager and told her I woke up in the middle of the night not feeling well and needed to take a day off. Total derpina moment.

Iím already sleep deprived around the clock. Part of it is a new relationship that started after thanksgiving and is finally settling down (we are roommates so seeing each other constantly means me being distracted and not being on track). However mostly itís because Iím not wired to go to bed at 9pm and wake up at 5am. I have to chemically induce it.

Itís pretty miserable and after a year and a half at my current job itís starting to wear on me both physically and mentally. I commute for 2 hours round trip on the train every day so I get very little free time. That means a new hobby Iíve hyper-focussed on means I get home and do it until itís 11pm. Some nights Iíve barely eaten because Iím so focused on this hobby and I want to mine as much dopamine from it outside of work as possible.

I also work in an open office environment working on data and we are forced to sit adjacent to call center workers. I have noise cancelling head phones but Iím still working at what feels like 40-60% productivity level due to distractions at work.

I like my job and have tolerated as much as I can the commute, schedule, and noise but now weíve had a lot of turnover in leadership and the new leadership is horrible. Theyíre very absent and give no direction so I feel like the structure I had at work when I first started at my job is gone. Itís like we never know whatís going on, the status of our division or where we are headed. They ask for things or tell us to do things that are vague/shady and refuse to tell us why they want it. One new manager in particular at the top is also the type to do underhanded things like put someone over something as if giving them an opportunity with full knowledge that they are setting them up for failure just because they want an excuse to get rid of them.

ADHD and bipolar need routine and structure to stay on track so all of this has pretty much dampened my morale at work and Iíve even become mildly morose. Ive struggled to do my work for almost a month now and have even resulted to hyper-focussing on my hobby at work (itís programming and although Iím using it to implement efficient ways to do my work and to help other coworkers do their work faster itís not a good use of my time to let my actual assigned work suffer). Iíve had a hard time pulling away from it and now Iím strapped to get work done by next Friday for the deliverable (I think this is manageable as long as I buckle tf down next week).

So to make a long story short, when I realized what I had done by taking a god damned Adderall pill an hour after going to bed and almost 4 hours before waking up (on top of already always only getting 5-6 hours of sleep) I knew I couldnít do it. Emailed my manager and called out. Then proceeded to lie in bed tossing and turning waking up every half hour because amphetamine. So Iíve finally taken seroquel, the tiniest ******* sliver and set an alarm for 9. Iím hoping I can get some sleep and at least be productive at home. But Adderall is pretty harsh on my system when I donít sleep so I might just take an IR when I wake up. Iím wide awake and want to be productive but also have hay foggy sleep dep feeling and need sleep. The struggle is real.

Honestly I feel very conflicted with my job. I work in government and am past my probation period so they have to work hard to fire me and so they canít just fire me without putting me on several performance plans unless I do something extreme like data breach. My old manager that got promoted was aware of my ADHD. I know that the quality of my life would improve ten fold if I could work from home. It would shave off my commute, let me work in a quiet environment, and give me back more time. For the longest time we were told it wasnít possible for our team because we work on mainframe stuff. Yet when a person went out for over a year for injury she was allowed to. Itís choppy but manageable. Part of me wants to fight for it but part of me thinks itís not a good time. Old manager has set me to move up to level three with small pay increase and between that and how Iíve not been working as much lately it feels like the wrong time to ask...
It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul. -Invictus by William Ernest Henley
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