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  #1  
Old 06-25-12, 01:24 AM
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Don't Think I'm Ready

In the last five minutes I was trying to find the "New Thread" button, I was trying to decide if it was going to even be worth it or a good idea to post this.

It's probably just going turn out like a garbled mess anyway. Sorry for this probably way overposted topic.

I graduated from my very small high school this May, and I'm going to a very small private college in August. My family is willing to pay for my entire education as long as I can complete school. Which I believe I can. I graduated second in my class, my grades have always been high. I am lucky to have a brain that lets me learn and pass classes without having to regularly study.

But I am a very indecisive person who has trouble keeping friends (I get bored with them.) I haven't picked a major; I'm going in as undecided. I am avoiding making any huge decisions because I am afraid I'll regret my choices. I have lots of interests, but I am afraid to pick a major. I'm also afraid I'll be incredibly alone at college, which I won't mind too much because I do alright in my own company. However, I'm worried it will make things tough for me (it already has. I filled out dozens of scholarship applications, and I didn't get any of them. A girl who's family is a lot better off than mine got them.)

I'll never leave my room, and my life will consist of school, ocasionally talking to my parents, my usual crap (video games, reading, ect.), and possibly a job. It's just all so predictable and sad. My little sister (who was my closest friend,) is already begining to replace me with her own friends. I guess I kind of deserve it; I've only ever pushed most of my friends away by ignoring them.

And don't even get me started about AFTER college. I guess I'm just worried for no reason, but I feel like all this preparing that my parents are doing for my future will amount to nothing because I'm so unmotivated that I am content to just lie around and occasionally do something to stimulate my brain, something "exciting." I'm meandering.

Everything I've done throughout my entire life has been for my parents, but it doesn't seem like it because I don't listen to them half the time. I feel like I'm going to college to make them happy; I feel like if maybe I follow their advice then maybe I'll finally feel satisfied. I know that when I don't, I feel lost and even more unmotivated than before. They are my source of motivation; if they are unhappy in any way, then this is when I work my hardest to make them happy again. I'm not sure I'm aware of how to live my life for myself, not them. I'll probably end up with a career as a music or english teacher, or maybe at best an english teacher in a foreign country somewhere. My parents think I'd be good at it, and I already owe so much to them. They buy me everything. But I'm not really happy, and I don't know why.

I'd like to be an author because it is inconsistent work, where I am rich enough to just lie around and occasionally write a book. But no author starts out that way; it's hard work to get to that point, and I'm not prepared to work hard. I don't think I ever have been, or will be.

I guess what this is about is that I have this whole idea about the way my life will pan out in my head, and I'm surprisingly ambivilent about it, although maybe I'm occasionally sad. I don't want to put in the effort to find someone to marry; that would mean I'd actually have to maintain a relationship with someone who wasn't directly related to me.

I think I'm just tired of worrying about it. The worry just always pops up out of nowhere, making me all squirmy inside. I'm off of my medication right now, so that might be the problem. Sorry for all the confusion, and all of this is just the tip of the iceberg. I'll bet I didn't even say 1/8th of the things that I wanted to say. Whatever. Plus I feel really lonely and I just want a reply from somebody. I do have friends, but sometimes I just forget it. Even worse, sometimes I wish I had different friends, even though they are probably fine.

There, I'm done.
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  #2  
Old 06-25-12, 02:49 AM
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Re: Don't Think I'm Ready

What do you like doing? What do you want to do? It doesn't have to be big but find something you like and have a go. You don't have to dive in headlong to something just try babysteps to find out who you are.
If you like writing then write even if it is just a journal and you think its crap it doesn't matter.
If YOU want to sit around then do so, but let yourself do it without beating yourself up, just sit and enjoy it for yourself.
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Old 06-25-12, 04:39 AM
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Re: Don't Think I'm Ready

I think once you are away at college, you won't be living under their roof, and you won't necessarily have to hear from them every second of every day. You'll be able to take classes you want, and you'll figure out a little bit who "you" are. The key is to find something that really interests you, and will hold your interest, and run with it. If something wont hold your interest, then you probably will get bored with it obviously.

There was an article recently that somebody posted about how people with ADD are particularly well suited to startups and entrepreneurial work. I'm definitely of this train of thought, as I know if I start something for me that I want to do, I'm probably going to see it through.

I'm not sure this helps with what you are looking for, but whatever you're looking for, you'll find it at some point in college.
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Old 06-25-12, 06:57 AM
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Re: Don't Think I'm Ready

Quote:
Originally Posted by -nyr0c- View Post
I'll never leave my room, and my life will consist of school, ocasionally talking to my parents, my usual crap (video games, reading, ect.), and possibly a job. It's just all so predictable and sad. My little sister (who was my closest friend,) is already begining to replace me with her own friends. I guess I kind of deserve it; I've only ever pushed most of my friends away by ignoring them.
It's not all so predictable and unless you suffer from chronic depression it doesn't have to be sad all the time. Any change brings with it possibilities. If you just stay at home without ever doing anything then that would make for a rather predictable life. But going out there and doing things opens up all kinds of opportunities.

I wasn't very social in school but it changed in college and especially during my Master's when I had to leave my parent's home to study in another country. Living on your own makes a huge difference. It can be tough but it also gives you a sense of responsibility and confidence (no matter how much you screw up).

Don't worry too much about your major. Pick a field in which you can broadly imagine working but you don't have to chalk out your career right now. I've never worked in the field I studied in both my undergrad and post grad. I'm in applied science but that's pretty much the only connection to my degrees.

If you are not interested in studying further then that is a different matter. Do you have an alternative? What would you like to do? Being an author is hard work and most importantly, it requires a lot of self motivation. And your hard work might not pay off. If you are interested in writing though there are plenty of other jobs you could go for. For example, you could study literature and become an academic (which would probably give you enough time to work on your writing too). Or you could become a technical writer or a copy writer, etc.
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  #5  
Old 06-25-12, 03:05 PM
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Re: Don't Think I'm Ready

I think it is pretty normal to be worried about going away to college.

Many teens take summer breaks from meds, but now that you are nearing adulthood, you might want to think about taking meds year round. You have a lot of changes coming up so talk to your doc about going back on meds now. This is also a good time to ask yourself how well your meds are working for you? Do you need to make any changes? It would be better to work this out before school starts, although it might not be till after school starts that you can really tell if something needs adjusting.

You also might want to have in place an idea of what to do if you think you need coaching or counseling when school starts. Does your school have a student counseling center? You might want to have that scheduled and set up before school starts.

I see a lot of “I am afraid” in your post – and I really understand that. I feel like I always make mistakes and I want to try not to make so many. It makes me afraid to try new things or make my own decisions, but there is a difference between making a mistake and learning about your self. If you decide this college is not for you, that is not a mistake, it is just finding your fit. Same thing with picking a degree. Lots of people change colleges and degrees many times.

Take it one semester at a time. You do not need to have anything figured out right now except what classes you are taking and how to find them. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself what is the worst that could happen? Right now the worst would be if you didn’t like the school and had to pick another one for the spring semester. You would still have a semester of general eds taken care of and you would have gained some self knowledge.

As far as friends go, be yourself. It is a little easier to maintain friendships in a dorm because they are always around – less out of sight out of mind problem. It is OK to be more introverted. It is actually good to be able to be happy without needing a bunch of people around you.

Remember that for some with ADHD it takes longer to grow up. Think of it as being able to stretch out a little longer the carefree days of young adulthood. As far as marrying someday – well your first goal is to be happy with yourself. Looking for some one to “complete you” is not what it is about. The best thing you can give to a future partner is the healthiest, best “got my act together” you that you can be. Maybe someday you will meet someone who shares your interest and likes you for who you are and is a good person. Don’t worry about it now because it is probably years away. Guys your age are still trying to get their act together too – it usually takes them a long time.

It might seem more comfortable to have your life planned out, but it is more exciting to be open to new and different things and sometime surprising things that life has to offer.
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Old 06-28-12, 01:06 PM
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Re: Don't Think I'm Ready

Ok so I can explain all of this mess I posted.

Yes, I'm worried about all of the stuff I posted, but honestly. my anxiety over it ALWAYS gets worse just before my period. And guess who just started theirs a day ago? That's probably why I felt like posting all of that.

To answer a few questions, yes, I'm interested in going to college. My biggest career interests right now are probably either in writing or music, but I know it will be difficult to find a career in those two things. They are very competitive. I absolutely hate math, though at one point I wanted to be a mortician (that is, until I realzied it took a bunch of economics and math to run a mortuary.) I passed my final math class, College Algebra, with a low A, and the only reason I did is because my teacher gave me A LOT of help. A little too much help. I didn't learn a damn thing in that class. I hope I never have to solve another quadratic equation in my life.

I agree that I'm probably over analyzing what's going to happen at college, and I'll probably be ok as long as I can focus and try not to be such a shut-in. College is probably just what I'll make of it. Right now, I'm most excited about being involved with the orchestra, choir, and other musical groups. I've never been in a "serious" band, and it really excites me that I'll finally be playing music with people who actually care about it. On the other hand, it also means that I have to actually practice now =/.

Fuzzy - People have said I'd be a good technical writer because I can be a really descriptive writer, but it just seems boring to write manuals. I think I'd make a good academic or teacher, but I'm worried I'd end up hating my job eventually. But that's just me being a worrywart. Also, I agree about living on my own - one of my biggest desires has always been to become self-sufficient.

Tortilla - I agree with you about my parents. I love them and will miss them, but honestly cannot wait to live away from them. It makes me feel guilty to admit that that's one of the biggest reasons I'm excited for college. But it also worries me - they've always been my biggest supporters and motivators. Where will my motivation to actually work come from when I leave? My guess is that I will tell myself that if I don't get good grades, my parents won't pay for college. Simple as that.

As for the figuring myself out part... I guess that takes time, and I hope that it's something I can figure out on my own.

Lillianmay - I would say that fear plays a huge role in my life. It's what controls my impulses, because I just don't want to get hurt. Humiliation/failure is the worst for me. Even in trivial things like skiing, I ski so slow that it is impossible for me to fall down. This means that my friends leave me in the dust, and I am super sore at the end of the day because i keep my muscles tense so I can't go very fast. I would be a good skiier if I was brave enough to go faster. I would probably have more fun, too.

This analogy could be applied to just about everything I do. I hate appearing weak, so I never cry in front of others, I don't ask questions, and I rarely ask for help with anything. I just want to do things on my own.

As for the medicine thing, it's actually a kind of funny story; I went to the doctor 2 days ago and told him my Straterra works great for me, but it doesn't really do as much as I'd like. I told him I fall asleep while reading my text books (I take guided studies classes at a community college in the summer), no matter how hard I try to stay awake I just fall asleep. So he gave me Adderall to try on a "take when I need it" basis along with my daily Straterra. Now, I'm not sure what to expect from it (I took my first pill today,) but I'm hopeful that maybe it will improve my focus even more. I have an American History test today that I've barely studied for (I should be studying right now,) so that should be a good indicator of how it will help me. If it does the job, I may even start taking it on a daily basis.

The whole "life after college" is a completely different can of worms. I have so much anxiety about that that I don't even know where to start. So I'll just leave it closed for now, and not worry about who I might end up with for the rest of my life (which I'm starting to doubt will even happen.) And that's fine if it doesnt, I guess.

Really, I think that I just need to focus on one thing at a time. I get a lot of pressure from my parents to multitask, but I think I'd be a lot better off if I could just think about one thing and one thing only, get it completed, then move on to the next. I think that would eliminate some of my anxiety about life's pressures. Thanks for reading through all of my hodge-podge, guys.
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How much of it's genetics?
How much of it is fate?
How much of it depends on the choices that we make?

Current Medication - Straterra (80 mg Daily), Adderall (half of 15 mg Daily)
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  #7  
Old 06-30-12, 12:56 PM
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Re: Don't Think I'm Ready

I was thinking about your last post and it seems to me that you might have more anxiety going on then is usual and you might want to bring that up with your doctor or a counselor/therapist. You might need some anti-anxiety medication, or to learn some ways to help you talk through your fears in your head.

I am working on this myself – how to think about thinks without letting them mushroom into a huge scary future. Like, I do try to ask myself “What is the worst that could happen” – realistically – and how bad would that be? Also, when I start thinking too much about the distant future, I just try to tell myself to chill, it is a blank slate right now. I think for you it would be best to find someone to help you with this, maybe get some CBT therapy for it.
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