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  #1  
Old 12-23-14, 05:01 PM
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Situation

Writing this as much for me as for others to read, just marking a place where my mind is at right now.

Have mentioned a lot on here about the dislike of my job, one I have been in since college but never progressed in, just moved around, and have now decided to take a voluntary redundancy package which runs out in February. As well as dealing with the thought of change, choices etc, another part of this as that I have to tell my parents (live at home right now).

Have also done threads on here mentioning that our relationship is basically one where we live our own lives with little interaction, and I am aware here that it's MY decision for MY life. I pi guess making a world where I do my own thing is the real world, and away from the strained relationship we have, things in the past and even now are not dealt with well, and it's only my self control not to react that keeps things even.

Have given myself a few weeks to get my mind together with the situation, but now is the time to tell them really, as my parents they do deserve to know, but how they react and deal with things in some ways they don't, if I wasn't at home Id obviously deal with it differently. I have my own mind, and ideas, and it's a strong thing to have to do based on the past, but know exactly what will now happen, will get all sorts of ****ty comments, ideas that if I knock back will lead to threats and judgements, that's how my Mum works, my Dad (Mr passive, I think shows adhd traits also) will basically go along with her, turn things into big worrying sessions, 100000 things that can go wrong etc.

But I have no option but to be STRONGER than this now, the fear I guess is losing the person iv built myself to be, and becoming shaken about the whole situation. I have some ideas around what I am looking at doing, but obviously this comes with an ever changing mind and thoughts. They deserve to know, but it's down to them whether support is offered.
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Old 12-24-14, 10:25 AM
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Re: Situation

I think it's great that you know what you want to do and you're doing it! Don't let your parents make your life's decision for you. It's your life, not theirs. Hope that all goes well!
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Old 12-24-14, 04:02 PM
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Re: Situation

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Old 12-25-14, 01:02 AM
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Re: Situation

My relationship with my parents sounds very similar to yours, polabear. At least I think so (correct me if I'm wrong) - mine are not good with boundaries and treating me like other adults they know. It sounds like what you're dealing with with your mom making threats and judgements - would she do that with a friend?

Anyway, I've been working on it a lot with my therapist, which helps because she's able to help me reframe the way I talk to them so that makes the boundaries between my life and theirs clearer. I'm definitely no therapist, but I think what she would say is to clearly state that you're not looking for comments or opinions, but you just wanted to let them know what was up. That this is the decision you've made and you hope that they'll support you, but that the decision itself is not up for discussion.

And I would add, if possible, walk away any time negative comments start... maybe they'll get the hint eventually.

Sympathy for living with your parents in a tough situation - I had to move back in with mine at 35 while I was struggling to find more than a part time job. It is not fun!
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Old 12-25-14, 06:11 AM
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Re: Situation

You should never let regret for something you did in the past consume you, no matter what other people say to you. What's done is done. You can't change it so you shouldn't bring yourself down on a past decision you can't change.

And really in this case, it was probably inevitable anyway. You really couldn't have continued to work in such a negative environment for the rest of your life - just the damage to your health and happiness alone would have made it impossible.

I'd try to look for another job or schooling right away. Maybe you'll find one before Feb when your current job ends so you can just tell your parents your switching jobs (don't feel bad if you don't find one before then though. Feb is actually quite soon and like I said earlier, you shouldn't regret any past decisions no matter what).

Are your mom's threats empty or might she possibly kick you out of the house because of this? Cause if she might kick you out, I'd be careful how you approach her or reconsider telling her at all.

Were you ever able to get meds? Sucks you live in the UK which sounds like is a lot harder to get medication in. I think you're someone who's life could really be improved by medication if you are lucky enough to find one that works for you.

Best wishes.
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Old 12-25-14, 04:03 PM
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Re: Situation

Thanks again for your thoughts people.

Had a weird Xmas day, and will write more later if I don't procrastinate it, in a really strange kind of mood which I hate because it strips away the structures you have built into your mind, it's just a wash of struggle right now, but I'll get through it.

My Mum is the type of person that people accept as "that's just the way she is", but that doesn't make the comments etc unheard. I can't change that, it's how she is, but I can be stronger than it, and this situation. The idea is to get a path/job/schooling that improves my situation, I'm not just looking to change jobs, thought obviously I know that I might have to get something while I'm still looking etc. I think in terms of my oarents, it's the fact that everything iv built up myself iv done myself, I have to be stronger than the judgments and comments that will come, and the way things will try and be reframed. Had thught about the getting a job and saying nothing idea, but I di live at home right now, so personally I think it would be bad to say something, but then add iv known for months, there is decency. I pay weekly to stay at home, and for sattelite tv, so it ain't like I stay for free, I contribute.

The job issue itself I get hit by the same irrational fears iv always had, that I'd find something worse, that I wouldn't be able to express etc, but that's anither thing I have to fight through, and take control of my life. Poster is right about being unhappy and unhealthy with where I am at, now is the time to take a shot at changing that and make it work.

Never got to the meds stage, read other threads for that situation.
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Old 12-25-14, 04:11 PM
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Re: Situation

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Originally Posted by Chicky75 View Post
My relationship with my parents sounds very similar to yours, polabear. At least I think so (correct me if I'm wrong) - mine are not good with boundaries and treating me like other adults they know. It sounds like what you're dealing with with your mom making threats and judgements - would she do that with a friend
As for boundaries, looking back, and it could be as much because of the situation also,mouth everything gets made more difficult, anything you are thinking can be pulled apart. thing are done in spite of their thoughts, not otherwise. Have never spoken to them about girlfriends iv had, this whole ADHD thing, anything like that, we've pretty much just found a way to exist.
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Old 12-25-14, 04:13 PM
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Re: Situation

Like you have said though, I'm just telling them how a situation is that slightly affects them, no more no less. Because I think it's fair for them to know, no other reason. If it gets crazy, I have to be strong enough to deal with this AND strong enough to move things forwards.
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Old 01-13-15, 08:43 PM
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Re: Situation

Update, have still not informed them, and tomorrow they go on vacation for a couple of weeks, during which I actually finish my notice. Although I have thought about informing them iv found it more important to work on my mindset, building strength and looking for direction and growth. Guess if I'm honest the thought has been that this would have been damaged had they been told any earlier, attitudes and judgements that have gone on anyway have showed that. The decision was taken for me, how they or anybody else reacts is their choice, I can't control that. It hasn't been a lie it's been me looking out for me, the better option right now was not to say.

If there are any other thoughts it's always appreciated people.
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Old 01-13-15, 09:23 PM
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Re: Situation

I find not caring about the judgements of others to be a very difficult thing. I know I shouldn't care, and I make progress with that, but it's a slow process of chopping away at it. For me, it helped to realize that your opinion is the only one that matters. It sounds selfish and arrogant but it's not. It's just the truth.

Who cares what your parents think about it? What do you think about it? That's all that matters.

I say just tell your parents. Changing jobs is your choice. That doesn't mean there can't be consequences. You can't make them do anything the same way they can't make you do anything (like go to a job you don't want).

Embrace your right to make your decision, and their right to make theirs. Then tell them.
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Old 01-16-15, 09:51 PM
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Re: Situation

What you said about judgements is right, looking back so much of what iv done, both at school and this job wasn't done for me, even if I thought it (if that makes sense). It was done because it was "the done thing"., despite how unhappy I was. The only times iv actually felt that I was doing something for myself or alive during this job was one time when I walked out, deciding to take this redundancy, and this past week where iv decided to take time off due to not sleeping, and wanting to sort this situation out.

More or less ALL of my time is spent in a contact stall state of trying to work out what to do, or ever changing thoughts. It always has been. Once school ended and choices came into things I think I just thought that things got sorted out, that's what happened, or that talent or smarts became natural. Easy to say I'd do things differently but I didn't feel that way at the time, it's only now I see how paths and momentum help your individual state, and even then only loosely. The only one that can sort this is me, at times it feel impossible but it can't be.
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Old 01-27-15, 10:50 PM
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Re: Situation

Update, the situation there ended and I have now left (officially on vacation). The difference having time and space to do my own thing has been immense. Like I said in my last post, the feeling of having answers does come to me at times, if only for moments.
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Old 02-01-15, 08:06 PM
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Re: Situation

And sometimes (past few days) is a feeling that iv lost my momentum and am scrambling to get a sense of structure again. It's like everything is being taken in with no filter.
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Old 02-02-15, 12:23 AM
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Re: Situation

I was like you. If I could take back the wasted years of worrying about what a parent thinks, I'd be a lot further along at this point in my life.
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Old 02-02-15, 12:30 AM
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Re: Situation

I have been where you are. The only advise I can give is that as hard as it is, try not to let there feelings impact what you need for yourself.

I would have a different living situation set up if you think telling them whatever it is you have to say might send you backwards instead of forwards.

Good luck.
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