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Women with ADD/ADHD This forum is for women to discuss issues related to being a woman with AD/HD.

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  #1  
Old 06-06-07, 05:02 PM
Adhdelaide Adhdelaide is offline
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custody battle

Hi everyone,
I'm new here. I don't know if anyone can help me but I am a mom with twin 6 year olds. I am diagnosed with ADHD and I suspect that at least one (if not both) of my daughters has ADHD.

My ex is trying to make out that I am a bad mother and an emotional burden on my kids. He is just one of these really nasty types that are attracted to ADHD women with self-confidence issues. Manipulative, contemptuous, lieing, an accidentally/on purpose kind of a guy. The kind of person who always has to have a scapegoat in his life.

Tomorrow is the interview where I have to convince the person making a decision on custody time that I am not the way that my ex is portraying me.

I find that people are constantly misreading me and underestimating me and I am so afraid that this guy is going to do the same.

When I started standing up for myself (because I wanted my daughters to be proud of me) he dumped me.
Sample: He used to call me a greasy Italian and claim it was a joke. (Of course never in front of anyone else) When the girls started to be old enough to understand I insisted that he couldn't do that anymore.

I am so stressed out and afraid...

Last edited by EYEFORGOT; 07-05-07 at 11:25 AM..
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  #2  
Old 06-06-07, 06:59 PM
fellow worker fellow worker is offline
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Not sure what to say other than there are better guys out there! And that you don't deserve this treatment, though it seems like you've gotten to that point which is awesome. I don't know squat about custody battles, but having to go through something like a bitter custody battle or divorce is something I can't really conceive. I feel like *trying* to give advice, but since I don't know anything about how such things work, I'm just going to say:

Good luck, and we're here for you!

Some folks will be able to help with advice, but I just thought I'd let you know that some of us are at least rooting for you.
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Old 06-06-07, 09:55 PM
QueensU_girl QueensU_girl is offline
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Psychopath? Read and Assess

-

LOL
You are not a bad mother.


You are under-resourced. (It's likely AMAZING that you do as well as you do!)

He sounds like an abusive jerk. (Always blames others? Manipulative? Always puts himself first (Narcissist? Psychopath?)


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

---------------------------------------------

Do these traits sound familiar?


Characteristics of a Psychopath
  • superficial charm ("image manipulation & management': sucks up to those with power; abuses or ignores needs of those with less power; makes you feel crazy)
  • self-centered & self-important (cannot even put their dependent children first)
  • need for stimulation & prone to boredom (stimulation seeking; drugs/alcohol/partying/no regard for future)
  • deceptive behavior & lying (Lies and Manipulation; Twists Truth; Accuses Victim of what HE is really doing ['projection']; Makes Victims out to be the Bad Guy)
  • conning & manipulative (Alters the truth to make themself look good when they are really the offending party; Their "stories" may have TINY grains of truth to them...but are often lies, lies, lies. Lies even about irrelevant things. Denies even when confronted with OBVIOUS evidence.)
  • little remorse or guilt (Can Lie without breaking a sweat or batting an eye)
  • shallow emotional response (Never ever apologises or admits guilt, even when grossly at fault)
  • callous with a lack of empathy (Cruel and Cold; indifferent to others' Suffering)
  • living off others or predatory attitude (Pathological Opportunist, even if others lose their life savings; then blames people for being victimized/assaulted/weak/hurt, etc)
  • poor self-control (Can only hold an "act" together for a short time; often cannot keep jobs or friends; pattern of fractured rel'ps.)
  • promiscuous sexual behavior (often accuses the ones' he is cheating on of having an affair!; projection)
  • early behavioral problems (eg stealing; lying; hurting others; smoking; truancy; Conduct Disorder; Oppositional Defiant Disorder, etc.)
  • lack of realistic long term goals (Never has practical plans for their life; lives off others)
  • impulsive lifestyle (moves or changes jobs a lot; no money in bank; partying; not able to maintain a child-centred lifestyle; selfish for only fulfilling their own wants.)
  • irresponsible behavior (fails to care for children; fails to pay child support; disappears when faced with family obligations; skips off work with no regard to the consequences.)
  • blaming Victims for Trusting or becoming casualties of their actions. (We see this a lot in sex offenders; no qualms against violating the rights of Others/children)
  • short term relationships (pattern of fractured relationships)
  • juvenile delinquency
  • Inability to "self-regulate" their behaviour and follow RULES: breaking parole or probation (impulsivity; poor self control; antisocial parenting/lifestyle; disregard for rules and others wellbeing)
  • possible criminal activity; possible unethical activity
http://www.crisiscounseling.com/Articles/Psychopath.htm



Glad to hear you are setting Boundaries as an example for your kids.

You don't want your girls growing up and marrying a guy "just like dad", in this case. OMG.

So many little girls i have seen who grow up seeing their mother's mistreated in their homes (bullying; abuse; double standards; male privilege; etc) go on to learn the "victim role" and become victims in life. The cycle repeats ad nauseum. Glad to see you don't want your kids to become another statistic.


NB Cut and Paste any of this to a WORD document and you can print it up and take it to the Counsellor with you ! Under stress, we tend to lose words (verbal part of brain actually shuts down, but that is another lesson in psychology).
Hope this can work for you for a crib sheet.

NB 2 Keeping a JOURNAL can help. Write down "behaviours" and "quotes" of things that are said and done. This will help you some day. Even do it on your Calendar! (So often I have had old calendars come in handy this way!)

Last edited by QueensU_girl; 06-06-07 at 10:11 PM..
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Old 06-06-07, 11:20 PM
acceptance acceptance is offline
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Good pointers from Queens.
Have you talked to your Doc about this?If you can discuss it with him,he will write notes and that cuts the crap with the ex,
A Doctors backup is usually the best thing with custodion cases.

Hope it all works out for you
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Old 06-08-07, 07:50 AM
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Honey, people like that frequently do not come off well to authority figures. There's a good chance they'll see who he really is. Breathe. It may go better than you expect.

Please let us know how it goes.
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Old 06-21-07, 08:48 AM
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Hi FM,

Like you I went through a long Custody battle over my children to an abusive ex. You have to stay strong and believe in your self, what the courts are going to look at is how much you respect yourself and how you respect your Children. DO NOT talk in any negative sense about the ex and be as neutral as possible in your answers about him. Is he tryiong to use your ADD as a weapon? If so gather Doctors letters and arm yourself with as much information as is possible. Also the comment about the journal is 100% correct, I had documented EVEYTHING my ex did and a judge will listen to it due to its in Black and white with times places and what happened.
Most importantly Take care of you! This is one of the hardest things to go through and remember to hold your head high and think positive!

Bri
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Old 07-05-07, 11:23 PM
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EYEFORGOT EYEFORGOT is offline
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I hope you can let us know how it goes for you. It's so important to have the support you need during these rough times from those who understand your point of view.

It's too bad that some who come into our lives don't take the time to learn about our diagnosis and encourage us, rather than using it as one more "fault" on our part. There's lots of Moms with ADD here who function beautifully with their children, and there is no reason that they can't. With inattentive ADD and Bipolar II, I homeschool my 3 children. Check out our Women with ADD forum. Keep the "yes you can!" tape in your head. Everyone needs help sometimes. You're no more an unfit mother if you had to take high blood pressure medication. Let the counselors and lawyers look at the objective facts, don't let anyone tear you down because of ADD or anything else. A good mother is obvious to others.
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Old 07-05-07, 11:32 PM
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Well put, Chel. Ditto what she said, OP. Chin up!
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Old 07-06-07, 01:07 AM
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meadd823 meadd823 is offline
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Quote:
Tomorrow is the interview where I have to convince the person making a decision on custody time that I am not the way that my ex is portraying me.
Realize that if these people are like a family judge or child advocate that they are used to "nasty" divorces. They are used to slanderous statements and accusations. I am sure if they have been in the divorce business for more than a minutes then they have heard all sorts of crap. . . .they are not looking at which parent can dig up the most dirt they are looking for the parent who can handle them selves even in the heat of a custody battle.

Want to look better than you "ex" avoid bad mouthing him, or making slanderous statements especially if your children are present. Play any thing about him as neutral as reasonably possible. Don't lie but do NOT make extreme statements just answer as factually as possible. If you have an emotional moment then simply ask for a brief break. . . . . .remember family judges and family court personnel are used to this accusation thing . . . They are interviewing you to see for them selves because if they have a brain the size of a pea they will know any ting he says will be tainted by his own emotions. They will expect a reason for a divorce to be occurring but they will be not just looking at finical ability which is only a part but they will also be looking at emotional maturity. . . . If he has bad mouthed you to them them his words will speak for them selves.

Remember these people do not give a damn what you and your soon to be ex think of each other what they are looking for is the children's interest. . . .overtly negative statements and moronic accusations made about the "ex" is seen as a sign of emotional instability not stability. So let him talk his fool head off. . . . and let him bury his own butt is his own negativity. . .it doesn't have to be yours or your children's

Besides your marriage is ending so all the reason to fuss and fight should be coming to an end so both of you can get on with your lives. Some people want to pretend the other person is the bad guy, because it makes it easier to look beyond their part in the problems. . .
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Last edited by EYEFORGOT; 07-06-07 at 09:37 PM..
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