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Old 06-14-11, 03:54 AM
iam3rror's iam3rror's is offline
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Exclamation Help me with my ADHD partner

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 2 months. When we first started dating he informed me of his ADHD. I was unaware of what I was getting myself into. I have never dealt with anyone with this disorder. I was starting to have a lot of problems with his ups and downs. I was also questioning myself. He has been very psychologically abusive to me. I tried to over look it and tried to look at things from his perspective and determine if it was me. I feel lost and I feel like he is sucking the life completely out of me. Nothing I do is ever acceptable to him. His behavior always seems manipulative and controlling. Please advise. I feel like I am cracking up and I don't know what to do. I want to be able to help him. I also notice drastic changes because I found out that he sometimes doubles up on his dosage and then runs out of medication in his last wk. At that time, he seems to be very depressed. He takes his medication once he gets it and the first day he barely talks at all and is incapable of doing much of anything. Then, the second day he lashes out at me and makes me feel like a piece of dirt. HELP ME PLEASE!
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Old 06-14-11, 10:46 AM
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Re: Help me with my ADHD partner

ADHD will make people forgetful, scattered, unfocused, etc. It will not make someone abusive. If he's using it as an excuse to be a jerk to you that's just him and I would advise you to get out of the relationship before it hurts you even more.
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Old 06-23-11, 08:01 AM
mrgreyshadow mrgreyshadow is offline
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Re: Help me with my ADHD partner

Quote:
Originally Posted by iam3rror's View Post
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 2 months. When we first started dating he informed me of his ADHD. I was unaware of what I was getting myself into. I have never dealt with anyone with this disorder. I was starting to have a lot of problems with his ups and downs. I was also questioning myself. He has been very psychologically abusive to me. I tried to over look it and tried to look at things from his perspective and determine if it was me. I feel lost and I feel like he is sucking the life completely out of me. Nothing I do is ever acceptable to him. His behavior always seems manipulative and controlling. Please advise. I feel like I am cracking up and I don't know what to do. I want to be able to help him. I also notice drastic changes because I found out that he sometimes doubles up on his dosage and then runs out of medication in his last wk. At that time, he seems to be very depressed. He takes his medication once he gets it and the first day he barely talks at all and is incapable of doing much of anything. Then, the second day he lashes out at me and makes me feel like a piece of dirt. HELP ME PLEASE!


It's probably not a popular thing to say on a forum dedicated to people with ADHD, but this disorder sometimes progresse from a conduct disorder to oppositional defiance to -- finally -- antisocial personality disorder (psychopathy). It's not a matter of getting treated or not, I don't think, but probably one person's response to everyone saying, "Quit being so lazy. Why don't you care about anything? You're letting everyone down."
Over an entire lifetime, that makes some people think, "What the hell, then. I'm different than everyone else and people don't understand me. And you know what? Being a rebel slacker who has no respect for authority or other people's feelings? That's a huge turn-on and it makes me popular. So I'll just be that."

So... The way I figure, a person might go through a whole life hearing that they're ******** who just don't care about anything and are disrespectful for showing up late or missing appointments, only to respond by accepting what everyone else thinks and embracing the personality. Because, like it or not, everybody loves a psychopath, and it really isn't hard to just go with it. Plus, it's awfully embarrassing to cry in the middle of class for teachers yelling at you... Even moreso when So-and-so girl who passes notes won't pass them anymore after you say, "I love you" and totally mean it (as an eight-year-old). All these little traumas discourage us from showing people who we really are -- how we really emotionally respond, our fragile self-esteems, our inability to show up on time or do homework with distractions in the room (if at all), our aloofness and spacey qualities, our repeated indulgences in drugs and sex -- wrong or not... It's all things we can't help, but some of us blame ourselves and find acceptance by believing the story everyone held us up to: that we are uncaring psychopaths manipulating everyone around us and pretending to have a disorder to get drugs.

So, for some of us, it becomes true when it isn't, because it's not hard to lie and say you don't have feelings when it takes amphetamines to arouse you enough to do homework or drive a car.


Your boyfriend might fit that criteria. Manipulative people tend to fit in a few different personality disorders, though, so it might not be as bad as the word "psychopath" can sometimes sound. Manipulative disorders are like this:

HISTRIONIC -- usually using emotions to influence people and being hysterically dramatic to get one's way.. Usually a party animal. Speaking is either extremely dramatic (after asking a histrionic woman if she is dating a boy, the histrionic woman might reply, "Thanks for PRYING INTO MY SEX LIFE?! Uh, hello?" and give you some crazy eyebrows) or extremely simple and lacking in any kind of detail. Usually the emotions displayed are fake, or exaggerations of normal emotions in a situation. Histrionics come about because parents give affection and attention to their children when said children use pitiful emotional appeals. You can probably see how AD/HD -- lacking attention span -- might affect a child of an AD/HDer (though certainly not every child of an AD/HD sufferer). So histrionic isn't exactly uncommon for us. And we are legitimately labile a lot of the time, so it's not always that we're being outright manipulative on purpose. Histrionics lack genuine empathy.


NARCISSIST -- it starts out as a kind of embracing of a false, inflated ego that demands praise at all times, envying genuine talent that exceed's the narcissist's and despising genuine people. This "fake" self matures and often functions well socially. S/he tends to be very charismatic, manipulative, and the ideal celebrity/politician personality. Most people do praise and like narcissists, but narcissists basically develop shell over their real emotions, whilst the "real" self quits growing. A narcissist I know accidentally squealed like a five-year-old boy and ran out of the room when people at a New Year's Party suggested (jokingly) he kiss the girl there he's had a crush on for a long time. To my knowledge, "Tony" the narcissist is still a virgin -- he doesn't like the idea of getting close to people emotionally, especially if they're not "on his level." A narcissist tends to be a passive-aggressive elitist, but sometimes can be a directly-aggressive bully. I hate narcissists because of, "Tony," and, "Tony," hated me too, because I was smarter than him without trying. Narcissists don't usually have empathy but are harmless if you acknowledge their achievements (narcissists love going to med school so people can call them, "doctor") and don't point out their faults/don't provocatively exceed them at things.

ANTISOCIAL -- like I described up there, but probably the worst manipulative personality disorder. It usually involves narcissist traits, but to an extreme; the Narcissist loathes people because they exceed him/her and s/he is ashamed of this, but the psychopath hates everyone in general, seeing people as objects or tools rather than people. Antisocial people are not capable of empathy, they are not capable of love, they are typically social deviants in some ways. They chronically lie, they have self-directed sexuality that does not discriminate ("People have sex with me because I'm hot. I don't care who does it. I just want to get laid."), but they find greater joy in grooming, manipulating and victimizing victims. I heard from one psychopath, "I don't like sex so much. I mean, it's okay, but it's more fun to just mess with a girl's head."

Psychopaths will find labile people (like US! ) and bother them to see how much they can get away with. If psychoboy in question can get away with a lot, he'll take an interest in you. This is called, "grooming." An example might be a man at work who won't stop patting your head. Your coworkers say it's just patting your head -- it can't be that bad? And psychoboy is awfully charismatic and everyone loves him, so why tell anyone anyway? In time, maybe he'll start patting you on the back, giving you shoulder massages, and maybe he'll grab your butt from time to time. If you tell coworkers about it then, he'll get you to think they won't care or, if you do tell them, they'll blame you for, "being a ****." The psychopath will play the part of,"Oh we just had communication problems," and, "No, she came on to me," with utmost ease. It'll seem like the perfect crime, and he'll probably get away with it until he quits the job because he doesn't care about anything but short-term rational egoist causes. Anyway, because a psychopath genuinely loves himself unlike anyone you'll ever meet, you'll mistake that for genuine confidence and a secure, strong man. You'll probably find him attractive to all hell. But, he also lacks genuine empathy and doesn't have any feeling that isn't self-directed. He's also dangerous and gets off on things like rape and murder.




Soooooo. If your boyfriend sounds like what I'm describing, I would feel wrong not to tell you to DUMP HIM NOW BECAUSE HE WILL ONLY BRING YOU PAIN.

But if he's going through bottles and avoiding talking about it because he's an addict, it's not quite so clear; we AD/HD sufferers love compensating for those small dopamine levels. If he's scanning you for reactions most of the time and doesn't emotionally react until you do, or quickly changes his reaction based on yours, he's probably one of these things I just listed. If he's cheating on you often? Histrionic or antisocial. If he's a lot like the character Deb from the show Dexter? Histrionic. If he never actually shows affection or love...any of the above.

It's not up to you to fix this, and it's probably better you don't try to, "change" your partner to what you wish s/he was. Often it saves both partners a lot of effort and time if there's something wrong and you talk about it, and if that doesn't work, separation isn't a bad idea. The longer you wait, the longer you'll have to endure your agony and the more attached one or both of you will get.
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  #4  
Old 06-23-11, 09:56 AM
kilted_scotsman kilted_scotsman is offline
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Re: Help me with my ADHD partner

If you're putting up with the stuff you describe after only 2 months the issue is not just with your bf....

you need to take a long hard look at yourself focussing on why you think it's worthwhile hanging out with a partner who (in your words) is

1) psychologically abusive
2) sucking the life completely out of you
3) manipulative and controlling
4) lashes out
5) makes you feel like a piece of dirt

An ADD diagnosis does not mean that others have to spend their lives shackled to an *******.

In the words of Shaw

"I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it"

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Old 06-23-11, 05:58 PM
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Re: Help me with my ADHD partner

This isn't an ADHD issue - this is an abuse issue. He's abusing you, and he's abusing hid medication.

I had a relationship like this, but he was an alcoholic. The manipulation, the control issues, the lashing out - these are not ADHD traits. These are signs of abuse. I used to turn myself inside out and upside down trying to make him happy, trying to get a pat on the head or some other sign of approval. I lived in constant misery.

There's nothing any of us can say that will 'help' you with your partner. There's nothing you can do to 'fix' this relationship, or him. The only thing that you can do is take care of yourself, and look after your well-being. Honestly, seriously, from the perspective of someone who has been where you're at - get out of that relationship. Get away, and STAY away. Stop making him the focus of your caring and nurturing and make yourself the focus of those things.

He'll probably try to stop you - he'll ask why, he'll demand explanations, he'll claim he can't do this without you. If he already knows how to manipulate you, he's going to turn that on full force. Don't accept it - you don't owe him any explanations, you don't have any responsibility to take care of him or help him. He CAN go on without you. Don't accept any communication with him - don't talk to him, don't see him, don't email or text him. It's hard as h*ll - I know - but once you make that clear space to start healing, it gets easier.

Please, get away from this. Look up psychological abuse, because what you're describing are some pretty classic signs. It's hard to accept the idea that you're a 'victim' - but there's no guilt or shame on your part. And you DO have the power to stop it.

I wish you all the luck in this...
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Old 06-25-11, 03:29 PM
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Re: Help me with my ADHD partner

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaimei View Post
This isn't an ADHD issue - this is an abuse issue. He's abusing you, and he's abusing hid medication.

I had a relationship like this, but he was an alcoholic. The manipulation, the control issues, the lashing out - these are not ADHD traits. These are signs of abuse. I used to turn myself inside out and upside down trying to make him happy, trying to get a pat on the head or some other sign of approval. I lived in constant misery.

There's nothing any of us can say that will 'help' you with your partner. There's nothing you can do to 'fix' this relationship, or him. The only thing that you can do is take care of yourself, and look after your well-being. Honestly, seriously, from the perspective of someone who has been where you're at - get out of that relationship. Get away, and STAY away. Stop making him the focus of your caring and nurturing and make yourself the focus of those things.

He'll probably try to stop you - he'll ask why, he'll demand explanations, he'll claim he can't do this without you. If he already knows how to manipulate you, he's going to turn that on full force. Don't accept it - you don't owe him any explanations, you don't have any responsibility to take care of him or help him. He CAN go on without you. Don't accept any communication with him - don't talk to him, don't see him, don't email or text him. It's hard as h*ll - I know - but once you make that clear space to start healing, it gets easier.

Please, get away from this. Look up psychological abuse, because what you're describing are some pretty classic signs. It's hard to accept the idea that you're a 'victim' - but there's no guilt or shame on your part. And you DO have the power to stop it.

I wish you all the luck in this...
Ditto, ditto, and unequivocally, ditto. I would also recommend you look at whether of not you are attention deficit. Again, not something to say on a website like this, but I think the attention deficit are almost magnetic to each other and seem to just fit in together. A lot of abused women are raised in the same type of household, with a parent or sibling much similar to the spouse. And ADHD is hereditary -- it may be in only 5-10% of the general population, but in my family, both my mother and my father's side, it's 60% or more, almost 100% in my closest family.

And I put up with unmedicated abusers in the past -- it doesn't really matter whether or not they are on meds, it's all about how they treat you. Get out while you can, but do so without confrontation. Just wait until he's gone, pack up and move your stuff out. Then call and ask him to meet for dinner, but at someplace where you could eat outside, away from a lot of people, and not when it's busy and crowded. Let him know you care about him but can't continue with the relationship, you wish him the best. These types have to be handled carefully -- confronting him could cause him to go violent. Good luck.
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