Reality is back

[MilosM]

After getting a job in a factory, I was surprised how well it suited me. It is boring and stupid enough so I can daydream while doing it. No focus required, just muscle memory. On top of that the company is well organized and that helps with some of my deficiencies. Since I can't mess anything up, it is basically stress free for me.

18 months later I still find the job to be easy, but the income is not sufficient anymore. The thing is, this job tricked me into believing that people were right, and I was just lazy. It created a false sense of security and confidence that I can do anything I put my mind to. Because of that I started applying to all kinds of jobs, believing that I can do whatever I want now, because how hard can it be? If other people can do it, surely I can as well. Or so I thought.

I would have interviews, and even pass some of them, but then when I had to learn something I would fail. It seems that the only reason I was able to hold this job is because it is incredibly simple and stupid. Anything that requires any focus is out of reach, no matter my mindset or confidence.
This means that I am stuck working in this factory forever, or at least until the factory is closed or my health deteriorates, whichever comes first.

Concerta is the only thing I have available, but it didn't work. So I guess I just have to accept the reality that my life will be mediocre. There will be no breakthroughs and no big successes, just boring reality shaped by my incompetence and horrible memory.

I'm completely sober now, reality stares at me and laughs, and all I want to do is either give up, or do something insane and unpredictable. While I was writing this, I got very angry, and all I wanted to do is break things. Then I realized how great I feel when I'm in this angry mode, I get the urge to participate in some war or something. War sounds like a great idea if you are ADHD, because there is no time for laziness to creep in.

Sorry for making this so long and inconsistent, my emotional state changed couple of times while I was writing it. I mostly wanted to share my perspective here, to see if someone went trough something similar.

[Lunacie]

Originally Posted by MilosM

After getting a job in a factory, I was surprised how well it suited me. It is boring and stupid enough so I can daydream while doing it. No focus required, just muscle memory. On top of that the company is well organized and that helps with some of my deficiencies. Since I can't mess anything up, it is basically stress free for me.

18 months later I still find the job to be easy, but the income is not sufficient anymore. The thing is, this job tricked me into believing that people were right, and I was just lazy. It created a false sense of security and confidence that I can do anything I put my mind to. Because of that I started applying to all kinds of jobs, believing that I can do whatever I want now, because how hard can it be? If other people can do it, surely I can as well. Or so I thought.

I would have interviews, and even pass some of them, but then when I had to learn something I would fail. It seems that the only reason I was able to hold this job is because it is incredibly simple and stupid. Anything that requires any focus is out of reach, no matter my mindset or confidence.
This means that I am stuck working in this factory forever, or at least until the factory is closed or my health deteriorates, whichever comes first.

Concerta is the only thing I have available, but it didn't work. So I guess I just have to accept the reality that my life will be mediocre. There will be no breakthroughs and no big successes, just boring reality shaped by my incompetence and horrible memory.

I'm completely sober now, reality stares at me and laughs, and all I want to do is either give up, or do something insane and unpredictable. While I was writing this, I got very angry, and all I wanted to do is break things. Then I realized how great I feel when I'm in this angry mode, I get the urge to participate in some war or something. War sounds like a great idea if you are ADHD, because there is no time for laziness to creep in.

Sorry for making this so long and inconsistent, my emotional state changed couple of times while I was writing it. I mostly wanted to share my perspective here, to see if someone went trough something similar.

I do best at repetitive type jobs. You're not alone.

[20thcenturyfox]

Originally Posted by MilosM

...
I'm completely sober now, reality stares at me and laughs, and all I want to do is either give up, or do something insane and unpredictable. While I was writing this, I got very angry, and all I wanted to do is break things. Then I realized how great I feel when I'm in this angry mode, I get the urge to participate in some war or something. War sounds like a great idea if you are ADHD, because there is no time for laziness to creep in.

Sorry for making this so long and inconsistent, my emotional state changed couple of times while I was writing it. I mostly wanted to share my perspective here, to see if someone went trough something similar.

I so identified with this experience and this dilemma, Milos. I don't mean to make a joke of it at all.

But it made me think of all the times I have tried to use my anger as a motivator, and how well it can work as long as you don't veer inward and let it become bitterness and self-loathing...or veer outward and do something anti-social (if not catastrophic) that is going to make your life harder and less pleasant. Keeping it going and staying inside those lines is such a balancing act.

So I can see the appeal of war...it would delay the day of reckoning considerably, I expect.

[Greyhound1]

Originally Posted by MilosM

After getting a job in a factory, I was surprised how well it suited me. It is boring and stupid enough so I can daydream while doing it. No focus required, just muscle memory. On top of that the company is well organized and that helps with some of my deficiencies. Since I can't mess anything up, it is basically stress free for me.

18 months later I still find the job to be easy, but the income is not sufficient anymore. The thing is, this job tricked me into believing that people were right, and I was just lazy. It created a false sense of security and confidence that I can do anything I put my mind to. Because of that I started applying to all kinds of jobs, believing that I can do whatever I want now, because how hard can it be? If other people can do it, surely I can as well. Or so I thought.

I would have interviews, and even pass some of them, but then when I had to learn something I would fail. It seems that the only reason I was able to hold this job is because it is incredibly simple and stupid. Anything that requires any focus is out of reach, no matter my mindset or confidence.
This means that I am stuck working in this factory forever, or at least until the factory is closed or my health deteriorates, whichever comes first.

Concerta is the only thing I have available, but it didn't work. So I guess I just have to accept the reality that my life will be mediocre. There will be no breakthroughs and no big successes, just boring reality shaped by my incompetence and horrible memory.

I'm completely sober now, reality stares at me and laughs, and all I want to do is either give up, or do something insane and unpredictable. While I was writing this, I got very angry, and all I wanted to do is break things. Then I realized how great I feel when I'm in this angry mode, I get the urge to participate in some war or something. War sounds like a great idea if you are ADHD, because there is no time for laziness to creep in.

Sorry for making this so long and inconsistent, my emotional state changed couple of times while I was writing it. I mostly wanted to share my perspective here, to see if someone went trough something similar.

I think many of us can relate to your work problems. Jobs that require lots of attention or focus are very very difficult for us unless it’s something we’re really passionate about. We need passion in our work to stimulate our minds enough to focus and stay on course.

Finding a job that you're really passionate about and will pay the bills can very difficult to find. When you find a job that really excites and interests you, focus and learning will become much easier. Good luck on the job search and finding your passion.

[MilosM]

Originally Posted by Lunacie

I do best at repetitive type jobs. You're not alone.

If I could only find one that pays well.

Originally Posted by 20thcenturyfox

I so identified with this experience and this dilemma, Milos. I don't mean to make a joke of it at all.

But it made me think of all the times I have tried to use my anger as a motivator, and how well it can work as long as you don't veer inward and let it become bitterness and self-loathing...or veer outward and do something anti-social (if not catastrophic) that is going to make your life harder and less pleasant. Keeping it going and staying inside those lines is such a balancing act.

So I can see the appeal of war...it would delay the day of reckoning considerably, I expect.

Yeah, anger directed the right way can be very powerful. Sometimes I think about harnessing it somehow, like finding a way to get angry whenever I need to, and somehow ride that wave to become more productive. Easy to say, hard to do.

Originally Posted by Greyhound1

I think many of us can relate to your work problems. Jobs that require lots of attention or focus are very very difficult for us unless it’s something we’re really passionate about. We need passion in our work to stimulate our minds enough to focus and stay on course.

Finding a job that you're really passionate about and will pay the bills can very difficult to find. When you find a job that really excites and interests you, focus and learning will become much easier. Good luck on the job search and finding your passion.

Thanks, I believe that day will come eventually, but it also has to be something that pays well. I spend a lot of money, no matter how much I try to control my expenses, so I need to earn more than the average person to stay afloat.

[MilosM]

Originally Posted by 20thcenturyfox

So I can see the appeal of war...it would delay the day of reckoning considerably, I expect.

I was always attracted to such things, because I feel that would give me a true purpose. I guess I just need something simple, urgent and real. Planning for 5 years for now, or even couple of months in the future does nothing for me. It seems as if I have to convince myself that such goals are even worth pursuing. If I knew I were going to starve soon, I would not need to invent goals, it would all be clear and simple, either get food any way you can or roll over and die.