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  #1  
Old 08-20-07, 09:24 AM
Sky81 Sky81 is offline
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Grrr......

So I skrewed up yet another thing at work....I f*ed up an email (one of those "copy everyone under the sun" emails).....

I'm reminded first thing Monday morning of my inpetness by my boss (who already thinks I'm a total moron).....

I started banging my head against my desk.....great I have a huge bruise now...

I can't take it anymore....I can't do anything right.....

Why am I suck a ***** up???
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Old 08-20-07, 09:30 AM
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Sorry you are having such a terrible morning Sky please don't hurt yourself! And don't beat up on yourself so much either...I am sure the rest of the world will do that for you I know they do that for me!

Did you go to the doc last week? I can't remember if you had an appt. or not...if you did, what happened? And if you didn't, what are your plans?
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Old 08-20-07, 10:02 AM
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Reining those things are difficult.

I have learned that lesson the hard way.
It was about 6 months before my boss let me send anything out.
He would have me type it up and then send to him to review. It drove me nuts, but now I can do it just fine. And now if I am going to send an email in regards to some problem or issue, I often send it to him to review, and he will let me know if I sound like a jerk or don't make sense. Sometimes, I just send it to him and I feel better.

The only thing I can tell you is to try typing it up, save as a draft, take a break for a few minutes, open it back up and re-read it. See if it makes sense.
Then send it. Some of it's just being disciplined in taking the time to review it before sending it. Sometimes it helps if you have a friend or collegue to review it before you send it. After being a supervisor for 6 years now, I often review the "rookie" supervisors emails to make sure they are okay. I offer, not expect. It's helpful.

Don't get too frustrated. Like CF asked didn't you go to the doctor yet?

Hope
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Old 08-20-07, 10:14 AM
Sky81 Sky81 is offline
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My boss actually rewiwed it before I sent it.....I am not allowed to send out anything that hasn't been reviewed first......I guess she missed the error too, but it's still my fault for making the mistake in the first place......

I haven't gone to the doctor yet....I don't have an appointment until October.

I'm really considering resigning from my job. I can't do it right anymore.....My batches don't come out right, I can't send emails...I blurt stuff out in meetings....I can't even get labels to print out right.....there is nothing I can do right.....

My boss doesn't understand why I can't get my act together (that makes two of us). I really should leave before I get fired, just in case I need to use this job as a reference someday......

I could go back to bartending and maybe I'll try dancing. I know the boyfriend won't like it but too bad for him.....I don't need him anyway.....

Too bad I ****ed it up....I did have a good thing going for me......
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Old 08-20-07, 10:35 AM
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Wow, waiting until October? That must be hard to take. Are you impatient to get in there?

Do you REALLY think you mess up on purpose? Isn't it possible that you really and truly do have ADHD along with BP? I'll remind you again...the comorbity rate from BP to ADHD is just huge! Most BPs have ADHD to deal with too.

And untreated ADHD is rough too. Its not rough in the same way the BP is...but its still very, very hard. According to the International Consensus Statement...well, here, see for yourself:

(Selected bits because this thing is truly enormous!)

International Consensus Statement on ADHD
January 2002

We, the undersigned consortium of international scientists, are deeply concerned about the periodic inaccurate portrayal of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in media reports. This is a disorder with which we are all very familiar and toward which many of us have dedicated scientific studies if not entire careers. We fear that inaccurate stories rendering ADHD as myth, fraud, or benign condition may cause thousands of sufferers not to seek treatment for their disorder. It also leaves the public with a general sense that this disorder is not valid or real or consists of a rather trivial affliction. We have created this consensus statement on ADHD as a reference on the status of the scientific findings concerning this disorder, its validity, and its adverse impact on the lives of those diagnosed with the disorder as of this writing (January 2002).


As attested to by the numerous scientists signing this document, there is no question among the world's leading clinical researchers that ADHD involves a serious deficiency in a set of psychological abilities and that these deficiencies pose serious harm to most individuals possessing the disorder. Current evidence indicates that deficits in behavioral inhibition and sustained attention are central to this disorder -- facts demonstrated through hundreds of scientific studies. And there is no doubt that ADHD leads to impairments in major life activities, including social relations, education, family functioning, occupational functioning, self-sufficiency, and adherence to social rules, norms, and laws. Evidence also indicates that those with ADHD are more prone to physical injury and accidental poisonings. This is why no professional medical, psychological, or scientific organization doubts the existence of ADHD as a legitimate disorder.

ADHD is not a benign disorder. For those it afflicts, ADHD can cause devastating problems. Follow-up studies of clinical samples suggest that sufferers are far more likely than normal people to drop out of school (32-40%), to rarely complete college (5-10%), to have few or no friends (50-70%), to under perform at work (70-80%), to engage in antisocial activities (40-50%), and to use tobacco or illicit drugs more than normal. Moreover, children growing up with ADHD are more likely to experience teen pregnancy (40%) and sexually transmitted diseases (16%), to speed excessively and have multiple car accidents, to experience depression (20-30%) and personality disorders (18-25%) as adults, and in hundreds of other ways mismanage and endanger their lives.

Yet despite these serious consequences, studies indicate that less than half of those with the disorder are receiving treatment.


I know that's a lot to read and I apologize for posting an enormous wall of text but please...at least skim it?

You might be a lot easier on yourself if you do. Think about it?
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Old 08-20-07, 12:12 PM
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Sky...

I know life is short, and a job is a job and I hear what you are saying. Can you take some time off? Do you think you could hang in there until after October until you can get help from doctor or possible meds/change of meds?

I know it's hard. I can't remember if you told us, does your boss know about the diagnoses?

And if your boss reviewed and missed it, then it's your bosses fault, that would be the one instance I would defend.

You are not stupid or a mess up. You are suffering from several things at once. You are overwhelmed in several areas all at once. We do understand Sky.

Gosh can't you crisis call your doctor and see if you can get in earlier?
Sometimes you can request the doctors to call you back and talk to them directly? After talking to you he might want you to come in earlier.
Or perhaps you can call periodically and ask if they have cancellations or request they contact you if they do.

There are no magic words here Sky...all I can do is encourage you to not give up. And give you some {{{{{ HUGS }}}}} so you know we care!


Hope
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Old 08-20-07, 12:44 PM
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Actually I just told my boss......she pulled me aside to "talk"....

Apparently she's seen the cuts and bruises on my arms, and she saw the huge bump and briuse on my head, and she said she knew I hit my head on my desk....

She asked if everything was okay.....

I said I was just in a funk, and I'd be okay. She knows I go through "funks."

She said a few months ago I seemed like I was doing so well. I was dressing up more, wearing makeup, doing my hair..She said I was talking alot more, and I seemed so happy...she wondered if there was a new man in my life or something.....

She said she noticed that lately I've kind let myself go....I don't wear makeup or jewlery.... I pull my hair into a bun, and I don't care what I wear to work....

She can tell I go through "funks," which she though were just bouts of exhaustion from working seven days a week....

It's interesing to hear what this looks like from the outside....someone who has no clue.......

I explained to her that I have what my sister has (she knows a little about my sister), and that three months ago I was anything but my "normal" self......that was the other side of depression....and it's not normal.....

She said she was worried about me, and that whatever medication I'm on isn't working, and I'm being unreasonably hard on myself lately.....

She told me I should try to see my doctor asap, because my behavior isn't appropriate for a professional enviromnent.....I guess she's right....

She also told me that sometiomes I act how Matt did when he forgot to take his medication....

Matt is a guy who used to work in my lab who has ADD......and it was really obvious that he had ADD even with his Aderall.....

She also said that I was one of the smartest chemists that she's ever worked with and she reminded me that I graduated college when I was 19, and that I'm really young to have the title I have.....she said there was a reason I was promoted to the level that I'm at......and I needed to remember why I was promoted....

I know it's in me.....but I just can't get it out.......

It's really hard to get an emergancy appointment with my pdoc.....and I can never talk to her directly.....only her nurse....

I have seen a tdoc that can alsp prescribe medication
(and she acts like my sisters pdoc)......I would probably be able to see her pretty quickly....
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Old 08-20-07, 02:18 PM
Sky81 Sky81 is offline
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So I tried to get in earlier...okay so now I have to wait until Sept. 11th....

I was ****ed that I couldn't get in any earlier and threw my phone....but at least it didn't break this time....

I can only see this getting worse......
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Old 08-20-07, 04:07 PM
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What is it that you believe is going to get worse? Are you having bipolar issues along with the uncertainly over possible ADHD? Or is it the job situation that has you concerned?

Last edited by Crazy~Feet; 08-20-07 at 04:07 PM.. Reason: Typlexia...there is no cure.
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Old 08-20-07, 04:11 PM
Valhala Knight Valhala Knight is offline
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What kind of dancing are you talking about?
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Old 08-20-07, 05:13 PM
Sky81 Sky81 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy~Feet
What is it that you believe is going to get worse? Are you having bipolar issues along with the uncertainly over possible ADHD? Or is it the job situation that has you concerned?
The bipolar issues....I can feel it getting worse.....I have been self harming, and having thoughts I'm not supposed to have.....I am taking an antipsychotic, so I'm not going to totally lose it, but I'm getting close......

I simply cannot tolerate making mistakes.....no matter how miniscule they are.

I woke up this morning thinking this week is going to be okay, maybe I'll get to the gym or eat something other than peanut butter for dinner. I'll get X, Y and Z done on Monday at work....

So far it's far from okay......now I'll have to explain to everyone why I have two black eyes.....it's not as easy to hide as the cuts on my arms........

The jobs situation is whatever it is.....I feel I cannot do my job anymore, and I think I'm going to either have to resign or I'll risk getting fired....

Now that my boss knows about my "issues" I think the only option I have is to resign.....

Oh Valhala ....the dancing....is that kind of dancing......it's the only way I'd be able to sustain the same income.......and I have bills that will still need paying should I lose my job.......
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Old 08-20-07, 05:22 PM
Valhala Knight Valhala Knight is offline
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Oh, well I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but that's my two cents' worth...
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Old 08-20-07, 05:56 PM
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OK Sky, you cannot get to the doctor as quickly as you would like to or even as you might clearly need to...and I am so glad that you came clean here and admitted that things are starting to unravel. I am very concerned about you.

I certainly hope that the AP will stave things off for you, but some of the possibilities in the event that they do not are nothing to take lightly. I know you know this and I am not lecturing you, but I know very well how fast the line between "I know the dangers" and "There is nothing to worry about at all" can be crossed. My concern is that you may cross that fine line. I know that you know the risks involved and that you really do not want to go there.

I know all about how access to cutlery can create results that can be easily hidden. But honestly...if it was OK, would you really need to hide it?

It appears to me that you are spinning too many thoughts around at once. I urge you to try to let go of them for a while. Stuff like that is what feeds the illness, triggers it to become worse, and makes things become distorted until maybe we cannot see things objectively at all anymore.

The self-criticism is only making you miserable. Nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes. That's a fact, and beating yourself up and setting an impossible standard to keep to does not change the fact. You are human and subject to making mistakes. This kind of unproductive self-talk has a very obvious flaw in it. You ran up against somone who likes to debate too much to let that one slide by.

Last time you had a good look, were you, in fact, a human being? Unless you are another type of life form entirely, the statement "I just cannot tolerate making mistakes" remains flawed because it cannot be proven as truth. Human beings make mistakes every day and tolerate them, so it is clearly NOT impossible to do so. And what it probably means is something more along the lines of "I will not not allow myself to be human, and I refuse to let myself off the hook for human behavior". Such negative statements can be let go of...if you stop hanging on to them.

In your post, what you related about your interaction with your boss, your boss seemed to me to be a pretty understanding lady. What makes you draw the conclusion that now that she knows, you have to resign?

I think you have a job you can keep, but you don't see the way to make that a reality right now. That's ok. Give yourself some time to get through this latest bipolar issue, and maybe then you will see your options a little more clearly.

And you are not remembering that you have one option available to you if things really start spiraling out of control and you become convinced that you absolutely are losing it, that beyond a shadow of a doubt things have just gone too far and are about to become dangerous. You might not like to have to take that road but sometimes you do what you have to do when your back is against the wall. That is when you take yourself to the hospital emergency room and admit what is happening to you.

The risks are real and the costs are potentially way too high...and you know this. PLEASE take care of things before its too late to make them right anymore.


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Old 08-20-07, 10:31 PM
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Sky, this whole thread is breaking my heart, I feel for you so much. You are me two or three months ago. I was finally hospitalized for ten days. I am out on temp disability to give me time to get balanced again. PLEASE do not give up hope, I suggest becoming a like an annoying recording and calling the doc every day to see if they have had any cancelations. I know its one more thing to add to the list but it sounds like we are doing triage work here and it may be necessary (spell check!). Take two breaths, hold the last one and let it out...I will be thinking of you.
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Old 08-21-07, 08:57 AM
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Sky...


Have you been at work long enough to take FMLA? I find would find out, today.

Call your doctor back, and tell him if he can't see you, then to meet you at the hospital before you do something drastic. Tell him you need time off work and get him to fax over a letter to your HR or something so you can take the time off. If you have short term disability then it would cover this, and in most cases kicks in after a week, to help with the pay.

If not, perhaps you have 401k or something you can borrow against to help wiht the salary..I don't know but....


Sky you are quickly becoming very unstable. I am not trying to be "dramatic" here..but this is part the sypmtoms of a very serious progressive disease.

If you don't convey to your doctor what EXACTLY is going on, then he won't understand you are in Crisis and need him now. If he is any kind of phsyc doc..he should have emergency appointments available? If you are cutting...and banging yourself up you are NOT doing well, to say it mildly.

Go to HR , ask, and get the paperwork. If you have been dx with BP or ADD ...you have rights under the 504 / American's Disabilities Act. Use them.


Hope
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Last edited by justhope; 08-21-07 at 09:25 AM..
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