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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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Old 08-28-10, 06:42 AM
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imBushe imBushe is offline
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My Wife My Son and Me

I see tons of people that say their partner is ADD/ADHD this is what I see as a currently non-medicated man with ADHD.

Our history.

I met my wife in the parking lot of our local mall. We were both employed there by different vendors. I saw her and immediately knew she was the one. Hard to believe or easily unbelievable I knew. Our differences were apparent from the start. She is very shy, very soft spoken, and very pretty. I..... well I cant be to awful looking but Im no Pitt, at the time I was still maturing and the "H" was somewhat dominant. I could/can be loud and I was the anti-shy to the point where I would make others shy away "haha". Why she even responded to my childish banter from across the mall I will never know as I screamed out "Hey you the sexy one there in the red come here"... Seriously who responds to that? She did and for some unknown reason and we had our first three dates the next three following nights. I cannot express how utterly and horribly they went. It would make this soon to be long thread a little to long. Just imagine the worse things you can do on a first date and...... x3. For some reason she continued to come back. It was destiny we would be together. What she didnt know and what I was to young and inexperienced to tell her at that time was that I was ADHD. Who cares about that stuff right? She loved me for who I was and thats all I wanted to know. Three months later we moved 10 hours away to Dallas TX together. We are from a ton of 50k and that honestly is sometimes to big for me. Here begins the story of how badly ADHD if you let it can screw stuff up.

The Dallas Years:
18 years old. Intelligent, amazing credit, and a girl friend who was financially responsible and had some savings..... What could go wrong? I held and amazing sales job and made great money. Too much for an 18 y/o that has no sense of financial responsibility and too much impulsive spending power to support somebody we began to spend. I made it one entire year before I began to, how should I put it, totally screw EVERYTHING up. I blew through her savings on extravagant things. Fancy clothes, awesome dates, drugs, totally stupid luxuries. our household income was about 95k a year and we had everything to show for it. The American Dream. 0 savings 25k credit line half way used. No health insurance no security not a care in the world. I proposed to her. She said yes. YAY! why not? I didn't let her see the financial ruin I was driving us towards. Why should I? If she knew that I was smoking weed constantly just to make the stress I was feeling bearable she would have assumed financial control and our lavish lifestyle would have come to an end and every thing would be dull and mundane. No I would bear this burden alone. I was strong. Invincible. Immune to the world. I would make everything okay.

Tragedy:
Then there was a car wreck. 1000 dollars we didnt have to get the car fixed. Then there was an accident in the same car. Couldnt afford to get the car fixed. There goes the condo. now we have to live in an overpriced one bedroom, but that means we can afford to keep spending money. Then She gets pregnant "Only God my father and my wife know this and now all of you that read it" YAY we unprepared youths were going to have a child. Then Fate turned cruel. My wife got deathly ill. What would I do? Take her to the hospital. Horrible horrible horrible failure on their part. They missed the obvious and said it could not be and sent us home. Two days later. Call from my wifes boss. Shes passed out and turning yellow. What do I do? Better hospital. Finally results, but was it too late? My wifes appendix had ruptured in two places and poison was filling her and our unborns blood. 175,000 dollars later. 21 days later I have not left her side. her job. Gone My job gone. Child.... Gone. What will I do? I will shoulder it alone still. Credit cards maxed. Cars gone. everything gone. Sold it all yet we couldn't survive.

Retreat and escape:
We moved back to our little town. Back in with the parents neither of us wanted to live with. Broken. She stayed with me. We got our own place after we regained some ground. "To this day I am still in crippling debt" I handed over finances to the the fiance. Step by step we build back up. Then my job gets boring and too hard. I go unemployed living off her salary for 8 months before I even started to look at a job. Hopelessly addicted to video games. An escape for me from the reality that I had made my own. I was born again. THE WARRIOR THE MAGE THE WARLOCK THE PALADIN. To put in perspective how badly I was addicted to games in one year. ONE year 365 days. I spent 220 complete days playing. Go places? Never I was scared to leave the house. The world would destroy me. The pressure would eat me alive. I did manage to escape on an all expense paid trip to Las Vegas to marry my wife...... She went through with it? Amazing. What the hell was she thinking how could this woman still love me. HOW? I'm a waste of life. I became self destructive more secluded I hated me because I was a coward. To scared to be a man. To scared to face up to the fact I needed help. I couldn't tell my wife I had a problem.

A Glimmer of Hope:
A job. I got a job finally. After intervention from a step father who owed/owes me nothing. Drove me everywhere picked me up day after day until final we struck gold. The perfect job. I didnt deserve it. A fun job. I was in charge of 25 peoples lives. I was a foreman of construction. (I'd love to give more details on the job, but it is not in my best interest if you catch my drift. I can say it was legit but dealt with classified and TS stuff) Im alive again. My wife and I now get out of the house. We go on dates. We live again. Im still addicted to the stupid games its hard to let go of the other world that I had grown so accustom too. Where I was perfect and lived the perfect life, but there was hope. I saw it. My wife she was happy. We were good to go. She got pregnant again. Funny how happy and pregnant go together.

Hope shatters:

The mere thought of my wife pregnant struck fear into me. Here was again. 203847347802347 Thoughts running through my head. An instant replay that forebode of things to come. It would all happen again I knew it would. I left my job. I went back to my own world. I would not be fooled. Real life couldnt follow me to my escape. I was overwhelmed by everything there was to be done. Did not know where to start did not know what to do.My pregnant wife now the sole provider again. How pathetic am I? Retreat further and further. I could see myself sitting there losing everything. Terrified. My wife was no longer happy. Stress anxiety depression and to top it all I had no idea what to do.

The Glimmer reappears:

A job. The perfect job for me. My wife 9 months pregnant. Complications again. I was ready for it this time though. I had told my wife finally everything that was wrong. She understood. She accepted it in her own way. I could take on the world now. My boss. What a guy he let me wait held my job even until my son was born. My wife gal stones through pregnancy. Horrible pain. Complications baby was born as a emergency C Section 1 week past due. Doctors couldnt believe the ultra sound. Based solely on the ultrasound that determined my son would be 14 lbs at birth. Happy to say everything went okay. His birth is a story I dont really want to talk about at this time. It would be a novel of emotion that I dont have the time for a the present. He was only 9 lbs 7 ounces but he had the record head. Perfect alien baby.

Present day:

I have been holding my same job for 2 years. I am still addicted to games at times. I am working very hard to break this addiction. I have a tendency to neglect my wife. I see it. Every time I sit down to do something else my thoughts are always with her and my beautiful son. I hurts me inside to be able to see the time I waste still afraid to come out. How I cant manage to clean anything. remember birthdays. remember to do things I say I will do or am asked to do. How I struggle every single day just to do what many people take for granted. My wife still loves me. My son loves me. They are with me and will be with me for as long as I continue to fight to keep myself in line. The saddest thing about ADHD is the knowledge of what you are doing and the feelings of hopelessness that go along with not being able to always do the things you need to do. My wife has saved my life and has helped me to grow every day in our now 9 year relationship. Every day I get more courage to take that next step towards the help I need and the man I should be.

Conclusion:

This was rough and I know I leave huge holes here and there, but this is just a moral of story. If you live with somebody that suffers from ADD/ADHD depression/ocd/anxiety remember if they ask you to help, and understand if you love that person, do it. That person knows what they are doing. It is painful for them to see how they screw up.. again and again and again. Love is why I am alive understanding is what is leading up to my future success. My wife and my son are why I will fight everyday to gain full control of my life. Be patient with them learn about what it is they are going through. Guide them to the help they need and you will be rewarded with and undying loyalty trust respect and love beyond what you could ever hope for. If you were to ask my wife right now if its hard to be married to a man like me. She will undoubtedly tell you... Duh, but she will be the first person to say that her investment in me is worth it.


Sorry its long. I honestly did my best to make it not so long. I could should have included a lot more specifics about how ADHD effected me in every scenario, but alas... I have ADHD and writing is hard. Ask me anything you want to know about our relationship or if you have specifics and I can relate I would love to share, or learn.
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Old 08-28-10, 08:48 AM
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Re: My Wife My Son and Me

A beautiful story, even through the tragedies and adversities of your issues. Give your wife and child an extra hug or two today for being good people.

Thanks for sharing that. You seem like an intelligent person with some motivation, even through ADD and what seems likely to be some measure of depression.

A suggestion:

It seems like video games are really a stumbling block to you, though they provide an escape. I've battled some addiction to tv and the internet (I'm not good at video games, otherwise I could probably throw that in the mix too). There is a saying that "if your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and cast it away from you" that can come into play. I have, for a time, gotten rid of the internet, which focused me to work on things that I was "escaping" from. I still don't have, and likely won't get, television, as it is just too easy to "escape" and waste my life away watching what my grandpa termed the "idiot box". Later, after some weeks or months, maybe you can have some video games again and do better with them. If not, "cast them away" again for a time, and see if you can handle them better later.

By the way, and you probably realize this by now, but "escaping" really only gives you bigger problems to return to, and makes you depressed because you can watch yourself doing nothing and neglecting life and feel bad about it.

Good for you for being a fighter. It is okay to have problems and get depressed and want to escape. Life will knock you down. Failure only comes when you don't get back up, and you seem to get back up again and again. Just keep fighting, keep learning, and as you do things get better and better. The last two plus years of my life are an example of that. I refuse to live a life that I hate because of this disorder. I'll find ways to get around things, or to build my life around who I am, or to fight through things, but I will not quit. Getting rid of some of my methods of escaping long enough to get them under control has helped me face things, work on them, and find a better place in life.
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Old 08-28-10, 11:35 AM
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imBushe imBushe is offline
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Re: My Wife My Son and Me

Thank you for the response. I am very glad that you managed to read the whole thing it means a lot. I have also heard that saying about the eye something like. "If its the eye that causes the sin cut it out" I agree, and I am taking great strides in trying to cut gaming completely out of my life. I was spending a great deal of money on them, and in the past 3 months have dropped my spending to 0. Also I have managed to restrict myself to playing games to once a week. I am working very hard to maintain this. Unfortunately as a requirement for my work completely ridding my home of internet is not an option, but removing all the games from my computer was a huge help.

Extra hugs too my wife in son. It doesn't get much more therapeutic then that.
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Old 08-30-10, 12:10 PM
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Re: My Wife My Son and Me

Thanks for this wonderfully written post. I know how difficult it is to make a relationship work with ADHD. My own story has some very big lows and though it hasn't reached a conclusion, my hope is that we'll eventually make it.
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