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Old 01-27-18, 09:59 PM
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just another vent

I don't know. I'm just talking I guess.

I will say I don't believe I'm in immediate danger of doing anything to myself...

But that's just it. Suicide has been entering my mind these past couple of months...and I don't know. I'm kind of afraid I'm pushing myself into that direction.

I lost my mom, and now I've lost my dad in many senses...and with him I've lost a whole heck of a lot of other things.

At the end of 2017 instead of getting ready to celebrate the new year...I made an internal plan not to live past 2018. This would be the last year of my life.
I've never wanted to grow old anyhow...and well...it just feels natural that this is it for me. It's only natural for me to slip off that edge now that so much has been lost. For me to continue eating myself into my grave or whatever.

...But then I started a new group that meets 3 times a week, and I also reached out to an old family friend...and things started to look up again for these past couple of weeks. A new burst of hope.

And yet I'm finding I'm still so close to that edge. I'm still so far behind in everything. Life really sucks for me right now and I need so much, but can't do it atm. Stuff like money to fix my car and for clothes and such.
But I'm still also having issues just getting basics done.
My appartment is a disaster still, I'm not showering like I should (I do shower daily, I just don't really wash myself like I should), my clothes need a serious washing (my family friend said I could bring a couple loads over to her place to wash them <3 ), I'm having a hell of a hard time taking/staying on meds...and on and on.

Plus I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I went from doing nothing all day buy laying around playing on my computer and not interacting with anyone hardly in the 3d world...to jumping up and seeing my doctor, and a new therapist and meeting with one of the guys who runs the new group 1 on 1, to doing the group with all the members (who I've never met before) 3 times a week, to my old family friend and one of her friends.
I'm not use to all this socializing, and my brain is foggy and slow and I'm expected to be nice and cheerful and everything when sometimes I just want to hide from everyone...and some of the guys (like the guy helping to run group and my family friend) are wanting me to jump up and do all these things like immediately start volunteering and exercising...

And they don't understand. I'm at the brinks of giving up...and they're putting all these expectations on me...and it's just so much. I'm so tired. I'm so close to throwing in that white towel.

I miss my mom

And then there's the fear of...well...what if I DO go and volunteer right now where I want to volunteer...but I quit soon after?
What then? I've already got all these sad things weighing me down...can I really handle another quit right now in my life? I've got such a long list of things I've given up on, and they often leave me feeling so devastated.
I'm afraid it could push me ever closer to that edge...closer to becoming suicidal.
I just don't even want to deal with the risk right now. I've already got a lot on my plate. I do want to volunteer...I know it'd do a lot for me. Just not quite yet.
Of course everyone's fear is that if I don't do it now...I'll just keep pushing it off and never do it at all.

I feel so lazy and stupid and broken. I think the guy running the group feels the same way about me. Like I need to stop moping around, get my *** up and just get things done. To grow up and man up and do more with myself and by doing so, I'll feel better about myself.
But he's only known me for a few weeks. If he really knew me, he'd know that I just don't operate under those kinds of restrictions and ways. Those kinds of ideas rip me to shreds and leave me a complete mess.
I really don't think he likes me.

...
I'm not suicidal.
But I do feel the tug. It's been coming. Those thoughts...that pull.
I guess I'm just typing to vent. To get it out there...these random thoughts.
I've been saying this around the forums a bit lately and I'll say it here again...I don't know if anything above made any sense. My brain has been rather foggy and slow lately and I don't always seem to know what the hell I'm trying to say haha.

I miss my mom guys . Losing her has been the hardest thing I've ever had happen to me in my life. I don't even want to think about it right now. I've been doing well not thinking about it over these last weeks...and that's all I have for now it seems...to just not think too heavily about it.

I want my future to be better. But I don't know. It seems like it's going to be so tough on me...especially with money...before things settle.
And I wonder how willing I'm going to be to go through all the rough times ahead before I make it to the other side where the grass is greener. I do believe my future could still be bright if only I'd hold on through the tough times coming.

I don't know. I'm tired.
There's a lot going on in my life (a lot more than I've talked about here), lots of change, lots of good things, lots of sad things...and still the biggest thing in my life...is that giant hole that can't be filled inside my chest that appeared immediately after my mom passed away. :*(. I wish she'd come home and fix everything for me damn it. OMG...I have to stop. I can't think about her right now. It ******* hurts. It's not just an empty hole inside me...it's a full hole. Full of nothing but anger and pain and sad and sorrow.
I miss my mom.
Please come home mom. Please?
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  #2  
Old 01-27-18, 10:27 PM
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Re: just another vent

Psycho. My heart breaks for you. Because you lost your mom and because if I lost my mom my heart would break too.

2017 has been so tough for you and 2018 hasn't been easier but at some point it will get better again. I can hear how hollow that sounds but it is true. You are working towards it already. You are doing so well.

The people you are doing therapy with...you don't need to live up to any expectations. Their main aim is to help you but all that pressure isn't helping you. I wish you'd try to just take the benefits of therapy and ignore anyone's expectations. Even yours. You've been. Through a lot of trauma recently it's ok to do just what you have to. baby steps. At your own pace.

Maybe you can talk to to that guy and to your family friend about the pressure they are putting on you with their expectations and how its causing you more stress. Maybe you'll find that they actually don't have these expectations at all or maybe they'll realise that the priority is to proceed slowly and steadily.

You are doing so well going to all these therapy sessions (and you can't imagine how much I admire you for that when I can't even schedule an appointment with my gp). That's it. You are doing well already.

Don't think about how tough the future will be. If it is you will deal with it then just as you are dealing now with a rough present.

Be good to yourself..... And take your medication. Most of all though please please be good and kind to yourself

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Old 01-27-18, 10:49 PM
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Re: just another vent

Thank you Fuzzy.

I really like the idea of not letting their expectations hold me down too much. They're only trying to help after all and it's not like they can read my mind and see how much pressure it's causing me.

I think I'll talk to the guy holding the group in our next session and open up to him a bit. Check on a few things and get things on the table with him. I find doing stuff like this end well typically.

I really am doing a lot right now. I'm just going to focus on that. I'm moving forward in a positive direction, and as long as I'm doing so...I'm not going to overly push myself and risk a crash. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing as long as it works. I'll figure out tomorrow when it comes. Today I'll deal with today.

I get a ride to and from group each day from one of the team members working with me at the therapy center holding the group I started...lol if it weren't for the rides, I'd likely have skipped a bunch of the groups so far. I don't like having to get rides from people, but it's been great at getting me to actually go to group...and to be there on time.
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Old 01-28-18, 06:54 AM
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Re: just another vent

(((((psycho))))) I wish we could help you feel better, you are appreciated here
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Old 01-28-18, 06:56 AM
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Re: just another vent

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(((((psycho))))) I wish we could help you feel better, you are appreciated here

You guys DO make me feel better.
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Old 01-28-18, 09:04 AM
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Re: just another vent

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
I don't know. I'm just talking I guess.

I will say I don't believe I'm in immediate danger of doing anything to myself...

But that's just it. Suicide has been entering my mind these past couple of months...and I don't know. I'm kind of afraid I'm pushing myself into that direction.
I dont want you to go that way of course but its also important to sit with those thoughts, acknowledge that you have them and then know you do not have to act on them.

Quote:
I lost my mom, and now I've lost my dad in many senses...and with him I've lost a whole heck of a lot of other things.

At the end of 2017 instead of getting ready to celebrate the new year...I made an internal plan not to live past 2018. This would be the last year of my life.
I've never wanted to grow old anyhow...and well...it just feels natural that this is it for me. It's only natural for me to slip off that edge now that so much has been lost. For me to continue eating myself into my grave or whatever.
I would be lying if I said you werent scaring me but please do not look at suicide as a way out. A way out of what? Pain maybe, but depending on your beliefs who knows what happens later?

Quote:
...But then I started a new group that meets 3 times a week, and I also reached out to an old family friend...and things started to look up again for these past couple of weeks. A new burst of hope.

And yet I'm finding I'm still so close to that edge. I'm still so far behind in everything. Life really sucks for me right now and I need so much, but can't do it atm. Stuff like money to fix my car and for clothes and such.
But I'm still also having issues just getting basics done.
My appartment is a disaster still, I'm not showering like I should (I do shower daily, I just don't really wash myself like I should), my clothes need a serious washing (my family friend said I could bring a couple loads over to her place to wash them <3 ), I'm having a hell of a hard time taking/staying on meds...and on and on.
I hate financial problems. I have them too. Just when you think you are ahead, something breaks. I can say when I get backed up with my laundry and I mean BACKED UP/CANT SEE THE LAUNDRY ROOM FLOOR, I go to the laundromat for the fluff and fold. They charge per pound and I do not take every bit, but enough and it comes back folded and clean.
Hey- water is water, soap is advised but you are getting in there and thats something. Mean people might say otherwise. I get that. Sometimes it takes so much to get my heini in there but once Im in its ok-its just getting there. I cant explain it either.
Quote:
Plus I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I went from doing nothing all day buy laying around playing on my computer and not interacting with anyone hardly in the 3d world...to jumping up and seeing my doctor, and a new therapist and meeting with one of the guys who runs the new group 1 on 1, to doing the group with all the members (who I've never met before) 3 times a week, to my old family friend and one of her friends.
I'm not use to all this socializing, and my brain is foggy and slow and I'm expected to be nice and cheerful and everything when sometimes I just want to hide from everyone...and some of the guys (like the guy helping to run group and my family friend) are wanting me to jump up and do all these things like immediately start volunteering and exercising...
You know how they say familiarity breeds content? Even unhealthy familiar means change is scary. But we have to push through it. I know you are a nice person and can translate your social niceness from here to the real world. You just have to be willing to step outside your comfort zone.
And the volunteering thing I get. It seems pointless but I promise you- as a recovering alcoholic and the all knowing sarahsweets- getting out of your own head is a way of healing. Your head and staying in it is like a bad neighborhood- you are bound to get jumped.

Quote:
And they don't understand. I'm at the brinks of giving up...and they're putting all these expectations on me...and it's just so much. I'm so tired. I'm so close to throwing in that white towel.
Expectations or suggestions with hope and intent to help. The two can feel like the same but I really hope its not expectations. Those never work out. Whatever we expect of others puts an awful lot of pressure on people who have no idea what it is that we expect. We have to make our needs known.

Quote:
I miss my mom
No words- I get it. Its been nearly 18 years and I still miss my Dad.

Quote:
And then there's the fear of...well...what if I DO go and volunteer right now where I want to volunteer...but I quit soon after?
What then? I've already got all these sad things weighing me down...can I really handle another quit right now in my life? I've got such a long list of things I've given up on, and they often leave me feeling so devastated.
I'm afraid it could push me ever closer to that edge...closer to becoming suicidal.
Its not quitting if its not a good fit. But trying is better than nothing. Failing is doing nothing I guess. Have courage. Courage is being afraid of something and doing it anyway, coward is being afraid and getting stuck and I know you are not a coward. I have seen you go full tilt here when something means alot to you (remember the dog biting thingy we had) when psycho feels strong, watch out, you will hear it- and good for you.

Quote:
I just don't even want to deal with the risk right now. I've already got a lot on my plate. I do want to volunteer...I know it'd do a lot for me. Just not quite yet.
When you are ready- youre ready. Its your timeline.

Quote:
I feel so lazy and stupid and broken. I think the guy running the group feels the same way about me. Like I need to stop moping around, get my *** up and just get things done. To grow up and man up and do more with myself and by doing so, I'll feel better about myself.
But he's only known me for a few weeks. If he really knew me, he'd know that I just don't operate under those kinds of restrictions and ways. Those kinds of ideas rip me to shreds and leave me a complete mess.
I really don't think he likes me.
So ask him. Ask him if he likes you. Ask him how he feels about you. The answer will surprise you and at the very least you can take some sick pleasure at catching his as* off guard.

Quote:
I'm not suicidal.
But I do feel the tug. It's been coming. Those thoughts...that pull.
I guess I'm just typing to vent. To get it out there...these random thoughts.
I've been saying this around the forums a bit lately and I'll say it here again...I don't know if anything above made any sense. My brain has been rather foggy and slow lately and I don't always seem to know what the hell I'm trying to say haha.
Makes sense to me. You know with my 12 step work we acknowledge that thoughts of alcohol are going to happen no matter what kind of program you work or how sober you are. You just have the thoughts and know that you dont have to act on them. No guilt, no shame. Have them.

Quote:
I miss my mom guys . Losing her has been the hardest thing I've ever had happen to me in my life. I don't even want to think about it right now. I've been doing well not thinking about it over these last weeks...and that's all I have for now it seems...to just not think too heavily about it.
Do you have the chance for one on one therapy or a grief support group? I think you need a safe place to think about it.

Quote:
I want my future to be better. But I don't know. It seems like it's going to be so tough on me...especially with money...before things settle.
And I wonder how willing I'm going to be to go through all the rough times ahead before I make it to the other side where the grass is greener. I do believe my future could still be bright if only I'd hold on through the tough times coming.
Print that paragraph out and look at it again next week. Its very true.

Quote:
There's a lot going on in my life (a lot more than I've talked about here), lots of change, lots of good things, lots of sad things...and still the biggest thing in my life...is that giant hole that can't be filled inside my chest that appeared immediately after my mom passed away. :*(. I wish she'd come home and fix everything for me damn it. OMG...I have to stop. I can't think about her right now. It ******* hurts. It's not just an empty hole inside me...it's a full hole. Full of nothing but anger and pain and sad and sorrow.
I miss my mom.
Please come home mom. Please?
[/quote]
Not to pry but if you can I think you should share. Share it all, its the internet. I cant come hunt you down. But its up to you. I just know for me, holding stuff in increases the shame and thats never a good place for me to be in.
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Old 01-28-18, 12:37 PM
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Re: just another vent

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Old 01-28-18, 01:07 PM
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Re: just another vent

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Mis Post
Emily?
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Old 01-28-18, 01:14 PM
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Re: just another vent

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Emily?
Nope, just a CYA oops....

I was polishing up a post and rather than hit preview post I hit submit post and BAM!! half edited rough post was "posted". so I removed as best I could.

BTW, thanks for your comment. It made me smile. Similar taste in music AND humor.
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Old 01-28-18, 01:15 PM
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Re: just another vent

Hi Psych, I'm sorry that you have to deal with those heavy issues. As for suicide, I have had several close friends and family commit suicide during my life. It was inexplicable to me that any one of them would do that. After one suicide in particular I was so distraught and confused that I decided to make some sense of it and whether it could happen to me. What I resolved was that at some point for each one of them when they looked at the problems life had handed them they each decided that suicide was the proper way to solve those problems. That was an utterly flawed solution. They each failed to realize at the time that coming to that particular solution is indicative of a breakdown in their rational thinking. After some reflection on this I made a solemn pact w/ myself that if to address life's problems the correct answer for me ever comes back suicide, that will be proof that my thought processes have broken down and I need to be evaluated by a Doc or someone who's judgement I respect. This resolution to myself is one of the things that helps me sleep at night.

For those that may counter that there may be a circumstance or two that suicide may be the solution of a rational mind, I agree. Even for those hypothetical circumstances I still would require being evaluated by a Doc beforehand. Best Wishes, -Tom
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Old 02-01-18, 06:40 PM
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Re: just another vent

Sometimes my psychiatrist is wary of me just because I've had contact with spirits from my deceased family members in the past. She acts like that's abnormal, but it isn't to me. My father had that also. I grew up hearing his stories about his mother trying to comfort him at age nine after she died in a tornado. I don't understand why people are so scared of ghosts. I've never been in any way harmed by a ghost. But I have been harmed by living people at times in my life. I'm 70 years old. Don't think I'm going to change just because some people don't understand. My son-in-law lost his son (from his first marriage) last summer...19 years old, Aspergers...he jumped off a building. Nobody knew he was contemplating suicide. He was not in treatment for depression. He was a good kid...the what-if's are overwhelming! If he hadn't thought he had to be perfect, if he'd reached out and someone said it's okay and we're going to help you, etc. What a waste of potential..why does that have to happen?
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Old 02-02-18, 09:58 AM
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Re: just another vent

IMVVHO, It happens in most cases due to a flawed "thinking process". The flaw may be inherent or distorted by drug use, physical trauma, or emotional trauma. (I am sure I left off quite a few sources.) This flaw may be recognizable by others and many times it is not. All I Got. Best Wishes, -LN
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Old 02-02-18, 01:24 PM
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Re: just another vent

Thank you guys

(((((((Hugs)))))))

As is typical of me...I typed this long whine out...then got some sleep, and then started to feel better lol.

...You know I am sad...and I do want to be careful, I do think I could slip into some real stinky thinking if I let myself...
But I've come to realize that as overwhelming as everything seems when I try to look at it all, all at once...it's really nothing I can't handle. At least not for now. I've got this today...I'll let tomorrow figure itself out when it gets here.
Also...compared to so many...my life isn't even that difficult!
So yeah...there's a lot going on, but not more then I'm able to handle right now.
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Old 02-02-18, 04:46 PM
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Re: just another vent

(((((psycho)))))
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psychopathetic (02-02-18)
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Old 02-02-18, 05:39 PM
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Re: just another vent

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
Thank you guys

(((((((Hugs)))))))

As is typical of me...I typed this long whine out...then got some sleep, and then started to feel better lol.

...You know I am sad...and I do want to be careful, I do think I could slip into some real stinky thinking if I let myself...
But I've come to realize that as overwhelming as everything seems when I try to look at it all, all at once...it's really nothing I can't handle. At least not for now. I've got this today...I'll let tomorrow figure itself out when it gets here.
Also...compared to so many...my life isn't even that difficult!
So yeah...there's a lot going on, but not more then I'm able to handle right now.
You are amazing!!!
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