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  #181  
Old 10-12-12, 04:39 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

Yeah peri, I'm tied with him and I'm gonna pass his punk *** up.

There's no way I could have ever kept up with him when he was here though!

And you are correct: We all influence the world in our own ways when we are here. We connect with people and leave a part of ourselves on everyone we touch, and that is our legacy.

I've been around but don't post too often. School has kept me hella busy. But I miss my friends here so I gotta speak up every now and then. This is the only place in the world that I can go and be 100% myself, which was something esh said as well.
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  #182  
Old 10-14-12, 05:55 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

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Originally Posted by Ocyan View Post
Peri - I'm so sorry for you !

But even more for esh... although he won't know now. I wish I could have known him, I wish I could have supported him, and I blame myself now for not being more active on this forum to support those who need it, WHEN they need it. All I know is that the feeling you have when you realize you're too late to reach someone but when the motivation is still there... is dreadful

Thank you for this thread. Even though I have, to my greatest shame, to admit not having had the privilege of benefiting from his friendship.
Ocyan, with the voice of eshy in mind, (oh crap now he's being gross). Doing what you can do is enough, the doesn't mean pushing yourself to do the maximum. Sometimes one conversation can change a life. You cannot do it all, and it's wonderful that you care so much. Be you, be kind, be supportive. It will return to you.

One thing is for sure, Esh was there if you said you needed him, but he had all sorts of good times in between that support.

Esh... I still hear you... No, I don't want any chili.. Brat
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  #183  
Old 05-11-13, 12:07 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

i went running today for the first time in months and i thought about you and thought about how much i've forgotten of late what feeling alive feels like.

it's been two years since the last time we face timed; some more memorable moments and some triumphs and some of the opposite. but i'm stronger and wiser and better than i was without you and i remember what you said about why rebuild: because i can. since october it has been a ******* hell but i went running today and that's why: because i can.

oh man, eshy, i've been the best of us and the worst of us, and these past months more the worst of and i thought i might've broken myself with this last round, but i'm still here. and because i'm here, you're here. and because i can run, so can you. through the verdant wood...or between the trees under overcast skies in the park this morning. love always and i c u, 'til the last beat of my heart. forever grateful. x
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  #184  
Old 05-11-13, 02:46 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

Wow seeing this just brought more tears to my eyes this overcast saturday.You see today was and would of been my dads 77 b day and hes been gone almost20 years.tomorrow is mothers day and instead of enjoying two joyous events im experiencing alot of grief.getting my two aunts flowers last nite from the florist had me leaving in my truck in nearly tears.now seeing this post has brought up alot of sad and often hidden emotions.sorry for the rant.
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  #185  
Old 05-11-13, 03:01 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

hey so sorry, thinking of you
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  #186  
Old 05-11-13, 03:25 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

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Originally Posted by Rebelyell View Post
Wow seeing this just brought more tears to my eyes this overcast saturday.You see today was and would of been my dads 77 b day and hes been gone almost20 years.tomorrow is mothers day and instead of enjoying two joyous events im experiencing alot of grief.getting my two aunts flowers last nite from the florist had me leaving in my truck in nearly tears.now seeing this post has brought up alot of sad and often hidden emotions.sorry for the rant.
he always enjoyed you, rebel and it was my hope that hearing about him would cause more joy at celebrating all he gave and still gives, but perhaps another day you will see more cause to celebrate all the joys of all those you've loved without feeling such pain. for me i think grief will forever be mixed with joy and vice versa. the binary opposition of time experience and emotions. x

and if it helps to know that your fathers birthday isn't on the same day, eshy left on may 8th. x
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  #187  
Old 05-16-13, 01:04 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

Sometimes there's no second chances. Eshy, while you were alive, there were times when you were gone from this site. You'd come back, and more good times were to be had.


The last time you were gone, was the last time you'd ever be here. I figured you'd be back, maybe even with a new nick. One day during the time you were gone, I removed you from my friends list figuring no big deal I could always add you again.


As a stark reminder off how things can sometimes never be changed, I have you in my list of friends as "friendship request pending". It's been like that since before you were gone. It'll stay like that now forever.

I never told anyone about that, or maybe I did but it was forgotten by me and others. But I was looking thru my friends and saw it yesterday.

I guess it just goes to show that some mistakes can never be made up for. The thing is Eshy, I know you would always have returned my friendship cause that's the beautiful human being you were.

Thanks for all the good times we all shared together, you were such an integral part, I could say life dimmed for a long time after you were gone, and it did. You were a joyful soul, when you were, and that needs to be honoured and remembered as the part of you we cherished and knew best.

I was not privvy to your dark turns, except in small ways, that you shared for your love and the one you trusted most. I always picture you smiling, laughing and being very naughty and that's how I want to remember you.



much love....
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  #188  
Old 05-16-13, 11:12 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

he loved you so much, bean, you were his redheaded spiritual interlocutor, and that you remember him as you do is a wonderful, and much appreciated, way you honour his memory and celebrate his life.

that is how he would wish everyone he loved could have seen him always, because barring not being sick to begin with, that's who he most wanted to be. you holding onto that...makes it who he was and remains here and more broadly in the world. and on a personal note, it gives me a great deal of solace in what's possible as we all move forward more or less loosely bound by a man who desperately sought connecting with people...and as evidenced by this thread, however subtlety in some cases and boldly in others, succeeded in doing so at a time when it mattered more than i can express in this public format. in his life taken as a whole of thirty seven years...we are more fortunate than many realize, though i believe you do realize far more than most...to have gotten the very best of him...he was so grateful at being able to give it.

there is a certain frustration ...it's difficult to explain that he gave as much as he received in times of need... of the two of us... because i remain i know to some it's appeared noble or somehow supererogatory that i stayed with him throughout...but you, bean, know the truth of that and the fact that equally often, though with less overtly dramatic consequences, he was the stronger one standing by me. even in his most overwhelming times, there was an element of strength and social conscience he carried with him and that permeates the world because of him even now. thank you for finding in him a buoy...a joy...and a person beyond the illness.

as you know, sometimes he struggled to find himself amidst the battles, and sometimes he resorted to self identifying with the mania to the point of chasing it... he made very "human" mistakes... but he owned those mistakes as part of the nature of living fully... and because of knowing you, in part, he experienced a wider world, and though you weren't privy... because he found others who cared about him...he was more able to believe i cared about him...never underestimate the role each of his friends, and really all those he interacted with regardless of the tone of the exchange... that he was a person to so many, gave him the confidence to let me become a person to him. living an unseen life...being isolated ...whether proactively or in response...is the real prison we as people endure too often.

you, and others, i wish for you the comfort of keeping in mind this simple fact: because of the efforts of this community he did not languish in that prison of isolation. he left knowing he was known and seen...and that his life did not go unnoticed...that he did not leave uncounted... was more than he had dared to wish for amidst unbearable turmoil.

i know it is hard to sit with the knowledge of how he left... i can only assume many people have unanswered questions... unresolved feelings... for a variety of reasons... no more affecting those closer to him than those more distant, probably...and i realize that's largely due to the way he left...and that it wasn't common knowledge how his illness manifested at times.

looking from this vantage point, at times i've wondered if i should've, should be, as open as i've been about certain things...even this thread...i danced around it in the thread start... more due to navigating certain relationships myself than out of purposeful opacity... but i have mulled over more than once...should i have revealed thisthattheother? would people be less distressed if i'd been more reticent?

i don't know. i know what he wanted me to do...and which parts of him he wanted set straight. as far as whether others would've handled the news better if i'd not been so...naked at times... surely i will never really know, if nothing else, i won't in light of the fact that i can't go back and do over.

but i did think then at least peripherally and still do think now that the exposure he couldn't face in corporeality, but tasked me with offering within certain boundaries... he showed you more of himself than many, and he battled thousands of days in his war... and i am less comfortable with his being associated more strongly with the one battle he lost than with all those he won. when i read your post, i get the impression that you see that...the triumphs of person... and that gives me more solace than i can express just now.

xo, peri
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  #189  
Old 05-17-13, 01:00 AM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

Quote:
there was an element of strength and social conscience he carried with him and that permeates the world because of him even now.

Beyond his joyful and the real delight he brought with him, your quote is something that resonates with me ever so strongly. His social conscience so often pricks mine and opens my heart when I might close up in fear. I know he was right, his big whole heart embraced not only life but all the people who were important to him and sometimes that was everyone.


There is this sense in me, that I don't want to tarnish this 'way of being' he was always shining that light, it was a time of togetherness, of being so wide open. For me, I've come to see how important that is only in the past months. When I close up I feel like I'm being poisoned, I don't know how to articulate it when it happens, and perhaps I act it out. When I think of Esh, I know he would know about it, I think he knew about this too. It's sometimes like I hear him, and he'd say the magic words to free me from a hurt. It wouldn't even be soothing, just "Hey you sexy red headed *****! Let's talk scripture!" and all would be sparkling inside! There was something so clean.. in his interactions with me and with others. A pureness that healed. I think he knew that too.

Even when he was being naughty, he was pure, he could say outrageous things, stuff that even made me uncomortable and he knew that too. If he stepped over the line, he'd back off, and there'd be a grace of "oops' and a smile.


I guess I strive for this pureness, this lightness of being. His conscience and his consciousness is a light in the dark at times. We know what he wanted for us.

I think of him often, especially these days. I spoke of this with you.


I will also say this. Esh was a fighter and his last battle, I think he won. There are people on this earth who care to choose to leave it. They have their rationale, they have their reasons, and not undertaken lightly. It was what he wanted, in some ways it was what he ached for. He made his choice and he chose to leave. He never left us and I don't think he ever will.

Some people make an impression, a big impression that stays with you a lifetime, and some only for a few seconds.

Esh was a force, he made such a big impression, one that doesn't go away.

So many memories flit thru my mind, one I was thinking of earlier today was an evening, you and he were playing who could post the most posts in chit chat, you were both so radiant. I gave up thinking, this is nuts, I can't keep up. You played for hours. It just makes me smile and I'm so glad he brought that radiance to you and you to him. So many dark days ahead, but still that light is there.


Eshkarons Engine. How very appropriate! He was a force!


Quote:
because of the efforts of this community he did not languish in that prison of isolation



This community is important to so many, and I know what you mean, and I have struggled with this. We spoke of this so idealistically and there have been times where I don't know what to do. There are a lot of people on this forum who experience that isolation, myself included at times, and maybe you too sometimes.


How to reach out, how to be there when needed, how to be that subversive that sneaks in the key. I try, I succeed and I fail. That I guess is humanity for which there is no apologising for.

What esh showed us was a pure heart paves the way, and we're all human.


Eshy for you.. “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
Rumi
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  #190  
Old 05-17-13, 01:27 AM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

Quote:
Originally Posted by ginniebean View Post
I will also say this. Esh was a fighter and his last battle, I think he won. There are people on this earth who care to choose to leave it. They have their rationale, they have their reasons, and not undertaken lightly. It was what he wanted, in some ways it was what he ached for. He made his choice and he chose to leave. He never left us and I don't think he ever will.
there's so much i want to respond to...perhaps some better said privately...but this part...know that you're right. and i see him as winning, though for somewhat different reasons. i don't want to be ...i don't want to write things that would pain others to hear...things about the reality of symptom permutations that developed...things about what he endured during mixed states...things about what (not just statistically, but also in light of his own personal history of cycling and illness progression) the future held in store for many months, perhaps indefinitely for life... but his choices were not made impulsively...and made after waging as epic a battle as has been waged by any person that's ever fought to not merely persist, but to truly live.

in short: he didn't "give up"...he didn't succumb to "weakness"...and he he never wanted to die...he just couldn't bear to continue this existence and he chose freedom from it before the next stage rendered him incapable of choice.

much love to you, you sexy readheaded ***** :P xxx peri
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  #191  
Old 06-06-13, 04:24 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

Quote:
Eshy for you.. “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
Don't ask me how I wandered here, but this just seems to fit here:



I'm sorry I never got to know you better.
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  #192  
Old 11-07-14, 09:49 AM
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Smile Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

Quote:
Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
in memoriam=deceased
Im new here but my heart goes out to you for the loss of your other half. Ive been with my hubby 14 yrs and i dont know i would do if i lost him. hes my rock and has been by my side thru the good and bad hes my best friend. may i ask what happened? I tried to take my life in feb an was on life support for 4 days so i guess there is a reason for me living i hope it to be able to chat with you? and others. I dont get to go out im disabled and always broke (LOL) but at least it sounded like yall had a life time be it a long time together or a short time you both lived and had fun. Thats awesome your story touched my heart. i dont have many friends cause i dont have a car and my house burn so i live in a really run down place So maybe we can be friends and i love to hear peoples problems i have 3 medical degrees ( pharmacist, LPN, cna and i almosy had a anesthesiologist liscence but got sick and had to drop drop out/ if u need to talk i am Jenna i live in Lake Charles, Louisiana God Bless and your in my prayers sweetie

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  #193  
Old 11-07-14, 01:08 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

thank you for your kind words.

i'm glad you sound glad to have survived your attempt and hope you're doing better. i'm not especially chatty, but i do very much hope you're doing better now. so sorry to hear about your home, but it's wonderful that you have a loving partner.

take care. x

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  #194  
Old 11-07-14, 02:00 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

He made me smile and laugh especially if I was having a rough day, I knew I could come here glum and go to sleep happy and laughing, there hasn't been to many cut ups since him, lentils conman and abi, now speaking of cut ups where the he'll are they on this Friday to cause some forum mayhem. : D
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  #195  
Old 11-07-14, 08:50 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

I would have loved to have met him/talked to him he sounded like such a kind soul.


Sleep tight Eshy
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