ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADULTS AND ADD/ADHD > Adults with ADD > General ADD Talk
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 10-11-05, 08:08 PM
Binabik Binabik is offline
Jr Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Australia
Posts: 17
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Binabik is on a distinguished road
Cool Can't work or do anything. Feeling Helpless. Potentially suicidal thoughts emerging

Hi.
I have only recently been diagnosed with ADD, (12 months ago, and have been on ritalin since) and am now 29.

I have suspected something was 'up' since about age 16 when you start to focus on goals and careers. In the time between I have bounced from job to job, place to place, idea to idea. I was only recently that with the help of my MD and 2 specialists, I was diagnosed with ADD.

Since then I have been reading a lot of the information on the net and this forum, and I although I know the net is not the most trustworthy of sources, I feel the amount of information I have read and the credibility of sites such as this one seems pretty solid.

My sad conclusion from what I have read, is that the number of cases of ADD'ers (adult) who are able to settle down, find a job, or love, isn't a very high %.
I would even hazard a guess that those that ARE able to do so, perhaps have a lesser form of ADD, or their biochemistry reacts better to the medication, or whatever.

It finally hit home over the last couple of weeks that, oh my god, i'm 29, I have bookshelves full of note books of ideas, plots, scripts, inventions, drawings, and so forth, the majority of which, friends and flatmates etc etc tend to all agree, are exceptional, have great potential, brilliant, yadda yadda yadda. . .

but it finally sank in.. .I will probably NEVER get any of them completed.
Or if I do, only a small %, and then probably not to a standard that I am satisfied with.

So if I can't do a normal job, and now, realistically, can't finish any of the projects that I come up with, what is the point?
Sounds dramatic and over the top I know, but I'm a smart guy and I've run the numbers, I'm very logical and reasonable.

The fact that there is no 'cure' for ADD, and even on ritalin I can't do what I want to do , plus the fact I am on disabilty pension (a leech on society), and the small number of ADD'ers who do find some satisfactory solution,
it's not so much as a 'ohhhh nooo I hate myself and I want to die' but more of a 1+1=2 scenario.

The logic, and number of years I have spent trying a multitude of solutions, have ended up at the same conclusion: What is the point of me being here?
Emotionally, sure, don't do it, all life is worth living, i'm a nice guy, blah blah. But logically, the figures don't come out positive.

It's like the obsessive trumpet player said to House, on a recent episode of 'HOUSE MD'.. . 'If we don't have this, we don't have anything'
to me, creating things is my obsession. If after 12 years I realise, I can't do it, then like the guy said, I don't have anything.

Would be interested if other people have similar thoughts, how they got past it, and so forth. . .

(don't bother replying with 'don't kill yourself, life is worth living etc etc' because I'm NOT suicidal. I'm just saying that at the moment, that's where the logic points.)

Bin.


p.s 1+1 = 3 (for extremely large values of 1)
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 10-11-05, 08:27 PM
Draven's Avatar
Draven Draven is offline
Forum Guru
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Wildwood, Florida
Posts: 996
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Draven has disabled reputation
I feel exactly as you have described about every other day if not more. It hurts like hell to feel like an inevitable failure which is how I feel almost all the time but the fact remains that one thing was left in Pandora’s box and that was hope.

I remind myself daily that every tiny bit of joy I find in my life no matter how small or how seldom is worth hurting over all the misery that comes in between. I heard someone just today say,,,, you need more than sunshine in order to have a rainbow,,,, you must have the rain.

I guess each day I hope that a miracle will happen and all the sudden,,, I can do what I start out to do and finish it,,,,,, no matter how far fetched that may sound I still hope that it will happen.

I know that I want to love and be loved for more than spurts at a time. I want to clean my house and keep it clean, I want to be consistent with my kids and my life and I want to go out and get a job that I love and stay their until I can retire but the likelihood of that for me is small. However, you know,,, small is better than obsolete.
__________________





Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 10-11-05, 08:28 PM
SnappyCloud's Avatar
SnappyCloud SnappyCloud is offline
Contributor
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miami Beach, Fl (South América)
Posts: 432
Thanks: 1
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
SnappyCloud has disabled reputation
Why are you on disability? Is there something else going on?
Have you tried an ADD coach to help you structure and monitor your progress?

My brother in law was not able to get a business going because of ADD, my sister married him, provided the structure and their business took off.
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #4  
Old 10-11-05, 08:40 PM
crime_scene's Avatar
crime_scene crime_scene is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Ontariariario
Posts: 2,145
Thanks: 0
Thanked 12 Times in 10 Posts
crime_scene has disabled reputation
many other people are already "normal", why be so committed to that narrow definition??

I agree with Snappy Cloud, if doing what you are doing now isn't working for you, it's time to try something different.

You need to look for a lifestyle that fits you and makes you happy, if you have a project you want to complete, coaching might be something you can check out.

I can't recommend getting married, just so you can get structure, tho. You should find a way to manage this, yourself. If the right person comes along, bonus.

Don't be too down, you are definitely worth it.
__________________

only dead fish go with the flow...

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. (Robin Williams)
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 10-11-05, 09:32 PM
LittleD1981's Avatar
LittleD1981 LittleD1981 is offline
ADDvanced Member
 

Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 216
Thanks: 0
Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts
LittleD1981 is on a distinguished road
Yeah, I definitely feel the same way every single day, even more so today. I'm currently on disability for Bipolar Disorder, but right now the ADHD is creating more trouble than that, as my moods are stable. I keep developing tolerance to the stimulants and I just feel like there's no hope left.

I'm 24 and haven't worked in over 3 years. I went to college for almost 2 years but inevitably was failing and dropped out (I wasn't being medicated for ADHD at that time for some reason). I highly doubt I'll ever go back. I can't decide what I want to major in anyway (because everything just gets so darn boring), so what is the point?

I'm thinking about going to therapy to get past all this. I went very briefly a couple years ago, not long enough to help at all. But everything is just really getting me down.

Add to that the physical pain I'm in everyday because of arthritis (which is why I think I'm more down today than most days, because the pain has been really bad today). I just feel like the biggest loser on the planet. I don't even bother getting dressed or going outside, because there's no point to it. I literally live for my pets. If I didn't have them, I wouldn't be here, that is for sure.

This feeling sucks, and I'm sorry that you have to feel this way, too. I hope you can find some way out of it.
__________________
Dana

"Dana is making good academic progress at this time. She needs to settle down, listen better, and be neater at all times."--comment from kindergarten teacher

"Dana is doing well academically. Socially she needs to settle down and worry about herself more and others less."--comment from 1st grade teacher
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 10-11-05, 09:47 PM
Binabik Binabik is offline
Jr Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Australia
Posts: 17
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Binabik is on a distinguished road
I'm on disability support pension because of a combination of ADD, major depression, and acute social-anxiety disorder, so i'm a real fruit basket

I've have a coach, I have tried over the years, and in the last year, everything from lists, timetables, structure, meditation, going with the flow, going against the flow, you name it, I've probably tried it.

Pretty much all I have done for the last 2 weeks is sleep all day and night.
and I'm already on a high dose of other medications for depression and anxiety.

I tried launching a business within a business start-up support scheme, I had a nervous breakdown just trying to do the paperwork and finances each month, which just resulted in all my conditions flaring up worse.

and like LittleD said, although I'm on disabilty for the other things, the ADD is what is causing me the most grief.

I would never consider myself 'normal' and I'd probably be insulted if someone called me that. I used to be proud and glad for the fact that i had the 'genius/gifted' thing that comes with ADD. but now, after so long, it's still not leading anywhere, and there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's a tiny light and one hell of a tunnel.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 10-11-05, 11:57 PM
BlueRanger BlueRanger is offline
Suspended Account
 

Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Vancouver Lowermainland Richmond
Posts: 76
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
BlueRanger is on a distinguished road
don't worry

I got more problem then you , I was even tested for early sign of pycrosis the doctor keep acussing me of it

but I had the right now to not let them do further testing..


so what I see these figures , I tell them to kiss my *** , **** off


let me skate.

So what you got social anxiety scared of people?

Tell them to **** off too.


so I also get shakey and scared and I do odd things when talking to people such as my jaw it keeps on shaking.


but just don't let the problem get to you , you can do so by telling them to **** off.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 10-12-05, 12:39 AM
Binabik Binabik is offline
Jr Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Australia
Posts: 17
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Binabik is on a distinguished road
Hehe. Funnily enough I have tried that approach, luckily I had already become bored with that job. It makes for short careers and not many friends though if you overdo it.

I get what you mean though. Most of my stress is probably caused by trying to be 'socially acceptable' or at least what I imagine society expects of me.
The same with trying to at least try to cross paths with what I imagine my familys', friends' etc expectations of me are. And like I say, they are probably more imagined expectations, imposed by myself, than real expectations they actually have. Yay, I guess I'm brainwashed by society. Know any good de-programmers?

My current approach is to just try to accept the fact that the way I am doesn't make me a failure or worthless, and that it's ok to 'just be me'. Although it might take a few sessions with a psychologist to push that one in.

I guess it's like in the Missy Higgins song:

"What do you want me to think of my thoughts?
If I cannot believe in me, who will I then be?"

cos i've definately lost myself at the moment.

Bin.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 10-12-05, 12:47 AM
Scattered's Avatar
Scattered Scattered is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 4,399
Thanks: 227
Thanked 309 Times in 160 Posts
Scattered is a name known to allScattered is a name known to allScattered is a name known to allScattered is a name known to allScattered is a name known to allScattered is a name known to allScattered is a name known to all
I know the feeling of it not being worth it because it hurts so much and feeling like I've nothing to contribute, but I was always wrong about that. As Dr. Hallowell says in his book Delivered from Distraction, things can always get better. He's got a real good chapter in there on dealing with depression and the poisonous thinking patterns we ADDers tend to get ourselves into plus some practical step by step things to do. I'd highly recommend reading it. He's got ADHD himself, and I've personally found his books very helpful.

Looking back at the times I didn't want to go on, I know now that most of the best stuff in my life has been since those times -- stuff I wouldn't have missed for anything. So when I get down now, I have those times to remind me to reach out for support and hang on through the toughest times.

Take gentle care,
Scattered
__________________
ADHD Books and Tapes: www.addwarehouse.com; www.specialneeds.com
ADHD Online Articles: www.schwablearning.org ;www.allkindsofminds.com
ADHD Coaching & Classes: www.addclasses.com

"You're slow because you don't listen and you're forgetful!" - 7th grade friend
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 10-12-05, 01:40 AM
brandilyn's Avatar
brandilyn brandilyn is offline
ADDvanced Contributor
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: oklahoma city
Posts: 663
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
brandilyn is on a distinguished road
You are not a leach to society!!!!!!You are deserving of the same benefits as anyone else!
What you posted last is right!You have to give in sometimes and just let go.Some things are beyond your control.Dont try to explain to anyone,you probably dont even know.
I know I dont.I just let go and let it roll!

You have one life,dont plauge yourself with doubt and self dislike.I do the exact same sometimes like recently.

I always think to myself,well,the onnly thing worse than this could be dying.Am I gonna do that?Heck no!
I found that just venting and then walking away from the worries is good enough.

Good luck to you and love yourself........Im sure someone out there loves you alot!
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 10-12-05, 02:15 AM
Bean Delphiki's Avatar
Bean Delphiki Bean Delphiki is offline
Contributor
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 345
Thanks: 0
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
Bean Delphiki is on a distinguished road
I feel like I understand. I run that "numbers game" myself, and the result is rather bleak. I honestly don't know. I often think I must be lazy AND ADD, because other ADD people aren't such losers. I don't know.

I DO know that, despite being a skeptic and an atheist, I've had a strong sense since I was very small that I'm here to do ONE important thing, and I really need to do it. I don't know what that is, but if I end up HOMELESS, I can't give up, because humanity needs me to do that one little thing....whatever the heck it is.

That's all I got, really, except...who says YOU need to develop your own ideas? Get patents and SELL them! If you can't develop them, someone else will, and they'll PAY for the privilege if your ideas really are great.
__________________
Diagnosed: November 29, 2005

Update: Currently dealing with a repetitive strain injury [RSI] to my hands/wrists/arms. I may not reply immediately (or at all) because typing is difficult and painful some days. If you'd like me to see something or reply, please email and be patient with me.

Current avatar made by user mutantjedibauer on Livejournal.com
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 10-12-05, 02:38 AM
speedo's Avatar
speedo speedo is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: May 2005
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 4,458
Thanks: 54
Thanked 517 Times in 287 Posts
speedo has much to be proud ofspeedo has much to be proud ofspeedo has much to be proud ofspeedo has much to be proud ofspeedo has much to be proud ofspeedo has much to be proud ofspeedo has much to be proud ofspeedo has much to be proud ofspeedo has much to be proud ofspeedo has much to be proud of
Go to yourdoctor right away. You do not have to go through life suffering so badly that you feel like dying.

ADHD is treatable and you don't have to suffer from it. Please go see your doctor as soon as you can, and tell him/her how you have been feeling.


Me
__________________
ADHD.... It's not just for kids anymore...
It all seems impressive when you don't know what it means. (H. Rickey, 1987)
"Aye yam what aye yam." (Popeye)
"Sig personnas illegitum non carborundum." (unknown)
The computer lets you make more mistakes faster, with the exception of tequila and a handgun. (M. Radcliffe)
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 10-12-05, 09:04 AM
Craig's Avatar
Craig Craig is offline
ADDvanced Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Posts: 129
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Craig is on a distinguished road
Quote:
Originally Posted by Binabik
It finally hit home over the last couple of weeks that, oh my god, i'm 29, I have bookshelves full of note books of ideas, plots, scripts, inventions, drawings, and so forth, the majority of which, friends and flatmates etc etc tend to all agree, are exceptional, have great potential, brilliant, yadda yadda yadda. . .

but it finally sank in.. .I will probably NEVER get any of them completed.
Or if I do, only a small %, and then probably not to a standard that I am satisfied with.

So if I can't do a normal job, and now, realistically, can't finish any of the projects that I come up with, what is the point?
Sounds dramatic and over the top I know, but I'm a smart guy and I've run the numbers, I'm very logical and reasonable.

......

The fact that there is no 'cure' for ADD, and even on ritalin I can't do what I want to do , plus the fact I am on disabilty pension (a leech on society), and the small number of ADD'ers who do find some satisfactory solution,
it's not so much as a 'ohhhh nooo I hate myself and I want to die' but more of a 1+1=2 scenario.

The logic, and number of years I have spent trying a multitude of solutions, have ended up at the same conclusion: What is the point of me being here?
Emotionally, sure, don't do it, all life is worth living, i'm a nice guy, blah blah. But logically, the figures don't come out positive.
.......

p.s 1+1 = 3 (for extremely large values of 1)
Bin, couple things- First: your meds are likely not correct for you. Seek to get that fixed, your life may depend on it, and your happiness definately does.

Two, I notice many of us Adders come up with ideas all the time, but don't run with them. Don't know exactly why. But I've come to the conclusion there are people out there that run with ideas and can complete what we imagine. I know two people who are amazingly skilled in prototyping, and one of them is an electrical engineer. I'm thinking I could feed them ideas, let them produce the prototypes, and find someone else to patent and market the concepts. We could have an ADD inventors club or something.

PM if you're interested in looking into this further. I don't know yet what it will take, but it's gotta be worth a shot.

Craig
__________________
Think outside the box? Heck, I *live* outside the box!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Work and Mental Illness - What Do We Really Know? Andi Bipolar 0 09-27-04 08:08 AM
Not diagnosed yet - What do you think? Gregster New Member Introductions 16 04-30-04 07:41 AM
Adults with ADD feeling phony at work? jimmmaaa Careers/Job Impact 45 09-09-03 05:43 PM
Women, ADD, Work and Home Keppig Careers/Job Impact 0 08-25-03 01:19 PM
Getting Organized At Work Energizer_Bunny Careers/Job Impact 10 07-05-03 10:51 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:29 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums