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Old 03-27-12, 08:19 PM
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17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

Not sure if this is the best place to post this but I am really getting depressed. I have not been here in years! This site helped me understand so much with my then newly diagnosed son, then can my husband. Completely different, but both diagnosed adhd. My son so immature for his age, was bullied throughout elementary school. I was there fighting for him, switching schools etc. Now looking back, was that good for him?? Don't know. but now in his gradding year, absolutely not one friend! He is very shy to make friends, picks the wrong ones which end up pick on him (partly because he "knows" how to do everything--too much time googling how to vids! biking, snowboarding, skateboarding tricks etc.
It is just killing me that he is at home all the time!! complaining he is bored, but ??? wanting us to be his "friends" Wants to buy everything!! has no money, no job, can't speak to people, etc and we have done all we can! My heart is dying!! I cry so much seeing him in his room, watching tv etc. No life at all for a boy so active and fit. Seems like all he sees are kids that party,drink,drugs etc and so far, he is disgusted with them. I guess I am lucky there. Things could be worse....I just have done everything I can for my ADHDers and it really seems like a waste of my time and life! Now, I have no life, lost all friends because I was determined to help them...and it really seems like it all doesn't really him for the most part!!!
He takes his meds as told, can't remember on his own, irritates the hell out of us most of the time because he has no one to talk to so needs to tell us every single thought, idea, etc. so hard.....
I remembered this site as a place to get some kind of advice, or at the least, able to vent to people who understand. Did the support group, it broke up, but it was good while it lasted. Seems everyone has a life...but my son....and me the past 10 years!!
Thanks for your time, life can sure suck, and I have had my share!
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Old 03-27-12, 09:41 PM
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Re: 17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

I don't know if this suggestion will help with an idea but when my older son was hanging with the wrong kids my husband got very involved with a new sport for him, dirt bike riding. It kept my son busy, away on weekends and exposed him to new kids to be friends with.

My thoughts are maybe you can take up a sport like snowborading with him and expose him to clubs and others who he can befriend and relate too? If he is totally unsociable, maybe he needs some theropy to help him break out.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 03-27-12, 10:26 PM
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Re: 17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

I could have done without my school years - especially high school and middle school. I tried and had was on the swim team, but still IN every Friday and Saturday night throughout the year. I had a prom date only because the girl had friends in my class and she was a junior. I never held it against her, but I know for sure that it wasn't my personal charm that kept prom night prom being another night in. My attempts at being outgoing were rather awkward and I got tooled on pretty good back in the day. Throughout college I came quite a ways out of my shell and things went better from there.

Mrs. A; the bottom line is that high school SUCKS for people with ADHD. It's a bunch of kids with large amount of energy and testosterone fueled by pressure from parents and friends during the most insecure time of their lives. Everyone wants to make the most of what they erroneously believe is the best time of their lives and that it's all going to be over in June. They don't understand the idea of individualism - if someone is different in any way - the group as a whole has to treat that person like their friends do whether it be shunning, ostracizing, or accepting them. ADHDer's can't fit into any clique. It is superficial and seemingly ridiculous to adults, but a high school class is not comprise of X amount of students - that's just how many gowns need to be ordered on graduation. It is comprised of X amount of cliques and the boundaries between them must be strictly defined and adhered to. It must be done quickly in the freshman year and not be changed with VERY few exceptions. It's done almost like musical chairs and if you're left standing, you're like I was and your son is now. If he's disgusted with the kids drinking and doing drugs it's not a bad thing. The alternative would be him joining them just to fit in which is what the majority will likely do.

The reality is that high school probably won't get any better for him. It didn't for me. 20 years later I could really care less (but I do like going on facebook and seeing all the balding and overweight people that thought they **** ice cream when they were 18). All I can do now is try to learn from the experiences.

What your son needs to do is work on the future; does he have solid plans after high school? If he's looking at colleges and/or has some career goals in mind things should work out. The individualism seems terrible now but pays much bigger dividends as the years go on. As long as he doesn't plan on staying home, watching TV, telling you his every thought and not holding a job AFTER high school you probably don't need to worry too much.
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Old 03-28-12, 12:36 AM
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Re: 17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

Volunteering might be a way to go.

Kids of different age groups (ADHD teens might get along better with older or younger kids)

Kids who aren't int he bad crowd (naughty kids don't volunteer)

Structure and supervision

Team building and set activities, etc etc

Plus there's many different things you can volunteer for, depending on what his interests are.

Bonus: meeting kids who don't go to school with you and see your trouble sin the classroom.
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Old 03-28-12, 08:19 AM
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Re: 17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

I like the volunteering idea. Some ideas for volunteering, depending on what he might be interested in:
Animal shelter or non-profit animal rescue group-they always need dog walkers
Nature center
Hospital or senior center
Local library
Local elementary or middle school for tutoring younger kids
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Old 03-28-12, 10:43 AM
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Re: 17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

If he's fit and active he probably enjoys sports right?

So maybe he could join a local team, not necessarily a school team if he's having problems with the kids at school. They have travel teams for lots of different sports and most of the time you meet completely new and different people, AND they already would have something in common because they like that particular sport.

Does he see a counselor or anything? I was like that when I got to college. I couldn't make any friends so I just called my parents all the time and talked to them about everything. But I started to see a psychologist and it's helped a lot!

Anyways, that's just my two cents. The volunteering thing is a good idea, too.
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Old 03-28-12, 10:56 AM
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Re: 17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

This is sad,it shouldnt neednt be this way for us to us
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Old 04-02-12, 10:39 AM
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Re: 17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

Maybe a youth group at a local church?
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Old 04-05-12, 03:20 AM
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Re: 17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

I can relate to that feeling

For some reason, perhaps the immaturity, I've always felt more comfortable around people younger than me, like I felt their age more than my age. Could he perhaps foster some friendships with kids a year or two younger?
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Old 04-05-12, 06:36 AM
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Re: 17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

I am sorry.. there is something or someone out there for him to connect with.. be it a chat line or something on tv.. My suggestion and what was done to me was to sit back and just watch.. see what peeks his interest? then one day out of the blue say hey lets go for ride.. and then go do it if u are able.. When you start to get fustrated and please listen as this made me pay attention talk softy i know this w make you crazy but trust me it works.. it did for me.. and if you are able to make you voice a little deeper in tone that also works.. as the more i fought my mom & dad the softer they spoke to me to where they were almost at a wisper ... it made me stop and listen and it relaxed me.. and allowed me to focus.. my dad watched me and seen i liked cars and started taking me to car shows and showed me how to work on cars.. I hope this helps..
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Old 04-05-12, 06:45 AM
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Re: 17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

no, some times he just needs to find himself.. haveing a stranger asking question will not help or atleast it didnt w me.. maybe for the parent to deal w the issues.. but not the child he will build a bigger wall..I did.. my suggestion .. watch what he like and just go there.. skateboard park.. just put everything in the trunk of the car and say hey lets go for a ride.. as the parent you need to do the thinking.. do the parenting ..passing it on to a stranger isnt always the way to go unless there is trama involved...
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Old 04-05-12, 07:41 AM
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Re: 17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

I've been there done that. Your son is definitely not alone. I wouldn't worry too much. I made some really strong friends from work, in which I struggled to make in school. Work may also give him money to spend and something to do on the weekends. He is at that age where, he just needs support, and less guidance.
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Old 04-05-12, 09:40 AM
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Re: 17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

I don't think that ADHD is necessarily the whole story for him.

About 6 months after my ds was diagnosed with ADHD, we finally got an appointment at a hospital clinic where he was evaluated by a developmental-behavioral pediatrician, a speech language pathologist, and a psychologist. The ADHD diagnosis was confirmed, but he was considered on the boarderline for Asperger's (due to his age, 7, and the overlapping symptoms of ADHD and SPD). What put him most on the spectrum were his social skills deficits; he is now receiving speech therapy for social reciprocity and pragmatics.

I don't think it is as "easy" to find the right evaluators for older teens, but you could start with hospital clinics that do evaluations for ADHD and spectrum disorders, and if your ds is to old for their program maybe they have a recommendation for someone else.

You may also find some ideas in the books of George T. Lynn.
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Old 06-26-16, 11:49 PM
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Re: 17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

Mrs. A,

your son should be around 21 today and I would like to ask you how he is doing today.

I have a son who fits your description of your son very close. I am very upset and feel helpless. Tomorrow is his 17th Birthday and he doesn't have any friends to invite to celebrate with.

We have a wonderful church teen group who my son doesn't want anything to do with because they are "fake" in his words.

He mentions friends from school, but I never see anybody. He also has a telephone where nobody ever calls or never is used to make calls.

His only tool to the outside world is his X-Box or his computer, where he plays games with mostly strangers as far as I know.

Our son is in ROTC, which has helped him with his grades, but no friends are here either.

When he finishes highschool he wants to join the military, which also worries me. My son has no "filter" and probably says things he shouldn't. That would be another reason for no friends.

I hope your son is doing better today! Maybe you can give me some ideas!

Thank you!

Karin
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Old 07-16-16, 10:41 PM
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Re: 17 adhd son, no life, no friends breaking my heart!

My grandson 14yrs, has the same symptoms. Gravitates to undesirables. No friends. Public schools wouldn't give the one on one time he needed. We found a private school that specializes in ADHD. He's doing better in school now. My frustration is we have to hold his hand and walk him through everything. It's like over the weekend comes Monday, he needs to be retrained. He remembers only what he wants to. Mostly whats fun to him. He babels on constantly. He doesn't listen. He lies. Can't be trusted. He looks in the mirror all day long. To many phobias to mention. Takes two showers daily. If clothes touch any part of his body, in his mind their dirty. Boom in the hamper. Help me to understand.
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