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Women with ADD/ADHD This forum is for women to discuss issues related to being a woman with AD/HD.

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Old 08-27-04, 10:12 PM
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Onwari Onwari is offline
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Having babies over 35 and being ADHD

I know what your answers will be...but give 'em to me anyway. This is so darn long winded. This is what goes through my mind on a typical day. Just about everyday now for the last two years.

I am 39. I am dating a man who is 30. He wants a baby. I told him when I met him (because he asked) that I was not going to have any more children. My tubes are tied and I won't get any reversals. I did that for a reason. I was going to college and had a surprise pregancy. I only wanted two kids. Not three. No way...no how. But I have three kids 15, 16, and 22. I love them so much.

My b/f replied to the statement I said. He said, "Oh.....well, I am willing to sacrifice that because love is more important. Love is hard to come by these days. I know I could love you and I want someone I can love and grow old with." In so many words.

I replied that I would be afraid he would resent me in my older life. I would be afriad he would leave me when I am old because of resentment.

He said, "No way. I am not like that. As long as you are there, my life will be fulfilled". I thought in my head, "Yeah, right".

However, I continued to date him. He continued to date me. He was gentle, giving, caring...I could go on and on. I love him soooo much. He is so sweet. He wants to learn about my ADHD. He wants to see if we could better negotiate things involving ADHD. He already does!

We even moved in together. I won't date another guy if he just happens to move out. I won't put my kids through that. I already risk enough now with this. My b/f treats my kids as his own. He sacrifices so much for them. He is my life partner so he says. I feel the same way, but.....

I feel guilty about the baby thing. I don't want to talk to him about this because I don't want to get his hopes up. I have only two friend's I can talk to. My best friend and my partner at work.

My partner happens to be a 32 year-old guy married to a 39 year-old girl. They don't have kids, and don't plan too. He wants to, but she can't. So life goes on....

On my side: Children have been in my life since I was 17 (had a baby then). It has taken 16 years to get where I am at, and I still have not finished my 2 year-degree. I have been going to school for it since I was like 23. I figured when the kids are gone, I will finish school. I have just a year left. Plus, I am working at a job for 13 years that is dangerous. Especially at my age.

But my b/f's first conversation with me was that he wanted a family. I have one. That is the trouble with younger guy's all you older girls.

Yet, I see many babies. All kinds of babies. Cute babies. Babies that stare at their Mom's with love in their eyes. Babies that stare at their Dad's with love in their eyes. Babies that are so darn sweet that I want to pick them up and cuddle them. There must be a baby boom or something.

I want my b/f to feel this. I know that feeling. I want to see him feel this.

I feel like I love my b/f (I have been living with him for 2 years now) so much, I want him to be happy. I want to see him with his own baby. I want to see what the baby will look like if it comes from him and I. Why am I thinking this way??? Good grief.

I have raised 2 kids with ADHD. I am most certain, this baby, if I had yet another, would have ADHD. Raising a child with that is downright hard. My friend say's I want to have a baby because I am going through a sort of mid-life crisis. She says I want a baby because nature says, "multiply before you get old!"

Is this true?

Then again, my logical side says, "No. You had your babes. Enjoy your life. Do things you have never done. Those babes grow into kids and you had a hard time with that. No more babies. Go mushroom hunting." Hopefully you know what I mean.

I don't want to marry my b/f. He asked me. I will never marry again. I have been through two hellish marriages and no. No more.

But I love my b/f so much that letting him go would be awful. He loves me so much and I love him enough to marry him. I love him different. He is totally different.

I do think I will marry him someday....

He says now that he doesn't think about having a baby anymore.

I think to myself, how sad.

So sad that he will never experience the powerful love that goes with having children. He says he loves my kids and he will have grandchildren someday. I think, will it be the same?

I feel like crying while I write this and I don't cry easily.

I want him to be happy. I thought about letting him go so he can meet someone nice and have his own family. I told him this and he said no. He said when I get tired of him he will leave with no questions asked. But he doesn't want to leave me. No way, no how.

I feel obligated to have a baby. I know this is not sane. I am crazy for wanting another kid!! I love my children, but my gosh how they filled every spare moment that I had!

But I want my b/f to enjoy my pregnancy. I want to see him enjoy the birth. I want to see him enjoy the life that we made together. I didn't feel the same with the fathers of my other kids. How I wish that my b/f came along 22 years ago.......

Now I think, "WHAT THE HECK ARE YA THINKIN OF GIRL??? NO WAY."

But then a little voice inside says...oh, what the hell. You have kids, always will.

Now what do you think about that scenario??? What a long winded book!
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Old 08-27-04, 11:11 PM
waywardclam waywardclam is offline
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You could be Mrs. Clam.

She had her tubes tied... we looked into getting it reversed, but never found the time or the money.

Clam Jr. just turned 11. He was 4 when I met him.

I will be with Mrs. Clam forever, barring a major disaster. We will never have biological kids together.

I love Clam Jr.... I consider him my true son, even if he isn't biologically related to me.

There WILL always be a small part of me that wishes things were different. I can't change that. But I choose the life I have over the other life I could have chosen. See my signature for more details.

WC

P.S. You know what your kids are like now?
You want another one or more being like that while you are turning 60?
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Old 08-28-04, 12:25 AM
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Jellybean Jellybean is offline
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I can totally relate to your dilema, even though I am not in the same one except for the fact that I told myself that if I wasn't in a stabile relationship by the time I was 40 that my child bearing years would be over. So I accepted that when I neared 39.

I always thought I would have more than one child. I am alright with that I just have one, I feel like I have more. But I sometimes worry so much that something should happen to him.

I knew more and more as I reached 40 then 41 that I didn't want to be having more. I knew I could never give as much to another child as I did my son, and that just doesn't seem fair. Yet I get those feelings of wanting to create another beautiful, being all the while knowing that the door is best closed.

I had a boyfriend for a couple months about a year and a half ago, whom asked if I would consider having another child. I told him my agreement with myself, and he replied we still have two months before your 40th birthday. He turned out to be a real nit-pik. But had we had a relationship that was seemingly great I would have had a hard time not changing my mind he was already 50 and hadn't had children. It is hard for me to imagine anyone going through life never experiencing parenthood. So I can relate to this aspect too.

I think you need to find a way to follow your brain and not feel guilty, he is making his choice, and obviously you are his choice over all other possibilities "you can't please everyone" as my mother told me once.. I do believe he will get tons of gratification being a grandparent some day. Your future grandchildren and your now children are lucky in that they will have a such a wonderful grandfather for their children.

You have raised yours, relish in others children. Try to find ways to alliviate the guilt. Maybe writing affirmations or listing all your needs and dreams you will be sacrificing, then list all the positive aspects. Then weigh it out with yourself in mind.
Having a child may cause problems in your relationship as YOU may resent the sacrifices, thus creating tension in your otherwise beautiful union.

Well that was long winded!!! bdbdbdbdbdats all fffolks.
Good luck!!!
Go easy on yerself!!
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fruit flies like a banana."
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Old 08-28-04, 04:24 PM
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RmCL RmCL is offline
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Well, I am 40 and I had my kids 12 years apart. The last one I was 36. We waited so long to have him. We couldn't get pregnant all those years. Now that he is here he is such a joy to have. He also has a mild form of Autism. But if it weren't for him I would have never discovered why my life has been so chaotic and why I have so many unfinished projects and rubbermaid products and why I just can't seem to get it all together. On the otherhand I am also very creative. I think he was suppose to come into my life for a purpose. Whether that purpose was to order my life more I don't know. He needs structure and sameness where I thrive on chaos. There is a chance that when you are older to have a child that has some problems like Downs Syndrome or other things. I think they test you if you are over 35. These are just the options to consider. Being impulsive, I didn't care because having a child was more important. It does keep you younger and you do have to consider how old you will be when your child graduates from High School and whether you will be there for them or not. These are just my thoughts....hope this helps.
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Old 08-29-04, 08:32 PM
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Onwari Onwari is offline
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Thanks everyone for your advice. Right now and on and off for a few weeks we have been discussing the issue. I decided not to have another. I just can't do that to myself. Me being as impulsive as I am, if my tubes were not tied, I would be prego right now. I think everything happens for a reason.

I have never given anything to myself my entire life where big decisions are concerned. I need to "live a little". I need to see stuff I couldn't see when I had babies to cart around. Plus, I need to finish that pain in the pa-toot degree of mine! I told my b/f this and he said, "Well, I wasn't meant to have kids then."

I told him I would let him go if he wanted a family that bad. I didn't want to, but I would. He said, "Dani, I want to show you Hawaii and Europe. You really want to go to Thailand right?" I said, "yes." He stated to me that he is more than happy with me. He said he has a family with me and the only step he wants to take next is to get married.

Hmmmm. Maybe that will be in my next chapter.
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