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Old 01-04-19, 04:12 AM
adderalloveruse adderalloveruse is offline
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Looking to connect with others w/ Adderall overuse issues for support

I hope you will consider emailing instead of PMing me, as I doubt have the time and energy to check back here often. Even from a throwaway or anonymous email address you make strictly for the purpose of communicating.
[Moderator note: Members who wish to receive e-mail from other members should click "User CP", then under "Settings & Options", find "E-mail Options" and check the box next to "Receive Email from Other Members". Posting e-mail addresses, phone numbers, or social media accounts publicly is prohibited by site guidelines. - Namazu]

I hope to get support from others as I figure out how to further remediate my issues with overusing Adderall, and vice versa. I am based in NYC and would love to meet IRL support connections, but am open to remote supportive connections.

My story summary:

I was first prescribed Adderall in 2008 and couldn't even handle my 10mg IR initial prescribed dose. Ultimately, I got beneficial results by spreading it out over 2.5mg doses 4x a day.

This regimen continued for about a year or so, but taking Adderall alone (without anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication) would cause me crippling anxiety and panic attacks.

In 2010, a moderate dose of a common anti-depressant (an SSRI) was introduced into my regimen which seemed to remediate the attacks. I definitely still had anxiety, but no longer had panic attacks.

For the next 2 years, there was a consistent and effective yin and yang between my anti-depressant SSRI (Lexapro @ 10mg/day) and my Adderall "sweet spot" of 20mg/day IR (taken in 5mg doses 4x day).

At the beginning of 2012, however, there was a perfect storm and everything hit the fan: my closest family member passed away, my insurance changed and I ended up with an incredibly absent psychiatrist, and then I found myself in an extremely toxic and abusive relationship with someone I had known for a long time but moved in with me soon after I lost my close family member.

With my new psychiatrist, I mentioned having lingering anxiety, and his suggestion was to increase my Adderall dose. I don't know how to describe this physician's misguided approach and subsequent indifferent treatment as things spiraled out, but basically over the course of just 3-4 months, my dose was skyrocketed from 20mg/day (taken in 5mg doses 4x per day) up to 120mg/day (taken in 30mg doses 4x per day).

It took me almost a year to realize that the 120mg/day dose of Adderall was making me manic, aggressive, and also starting paradoxically make me extremely lethargic.

Once I realized this, I immediately tried to get the dose back down to 20mg/day, and there was strong indications that the aforementioned yin and yang was returning and Adderall at a more normal dose was starting to be consistently effective again.

But by then my life had become such a mess, and I started to relapse. Furthermore, I even began taking even more Adderall, and began occasionally exceeding even the 120mg/day (sometimes finishing 1 month's supply in 2 weeks).

Unfortunately, I stayed with the same psychiatrist and somehow always managed/was granted an early refill thus never went without Adderall even when I used it all up way too quickly (aka i sometimes would go through Adderall at a rate of on average 240mg/day for two weeks, yet still get a refill after those two weeks for another 120mg/day).

From 2012-2016 my dose basically was a yo-yo as I continued to relapse and relapse again. I've never even read about anyone who has consumed as much Adderall as I did for that span of 5 years.

Things really got crazy in 2016. After one major major relapse, my health declined to extremely scary depths: I had gained 100 pounds, I would be awake just a few hours each day it seemed, and I was in bed at all times (not working, living on the floor of a relative's basement room).

Honestly, the only thing that saved me was a pharmacist intervening, and when I tried to get yet another early refill, he simply said no and on top of that calculated the days I had refilled too early from the previous couple of refills and said he would not authorize a refill until the total sum of those days combined had passed, essentially putting me like in a penalty box.

After this, I finally switched psychiatrists and was ultimately able to taper down to zero. After reaching zero mg of Adderall, I was able to go for 2.5 months completely abstinent from Adderall (after almost a decade of taking it daily, with the last 5 years of that period being at the absurd yo-yo-ing doses that probably averaged out to about 100mg/day for 5 years straight everyday).

After the 2.5 months of abstinence that I was so lucky to get, I needed to start working to support myself, and I went back on Adderall around the summer of 2017.

When I went back on Adderall in mid-2017, it was apparent that my brain indeed had healed/rejuvenated to a certain degree (thanks to the 2.5 month abstinence period), but it was also clear that it had not healed/rejuvenated back to the condition it was in 2008 nor 2010-2011 when my sweet spot was 20 mg/day.

From Mid-2017 to the present basically, I have been taking about 40-60mg/day, but that has included some period 2-3 week breaks of abstinence. But during periods where I take about 60mg/day for too many consecutive weeks, I start to get the lethargic effects again and it seems clear that 60mg/day is: A) still to high for me; and also B) that my brain has not fully healed/recovered.

In 2018, I was able to make it through a vocational training program and successful land and hold down a job for a decent stint. I was then accepted into a school program for a better job that I believe is a good all-around fit (a program that would lead to a job with a more livable wage and also that is more service-oriented and would not heavily require me to take Adderall to perform).

In other words, if I can get through the program and get a job (which I should be able to if I pass my classes, given the nature of the industry I am studying for), I believe I could effectively perform my job without needing Adderall.

I have decided to stretch out my class load so that I will actually have a pretty light schedule for school this upcoming 2019 spring semester.

I really wish I could make it through the semester without any Adderall at all because I still know that my brain needs more time to heal if I ever hope to reobtain that 20mg/day yin and yang equilibrium. But I know it's going to be extraordinarily difficult—not just because of the pressure of school, but also because being abstinent from Adderall makes taking care of myself and functioning difficult too.

I really could use a support network of connections with people I can text, call, and communicate in real-time. I'm hoping some people out there might have similar issues and be interested in creating the same kind of supportive network/connections.

Again, I am based in NYC and finding in-real-person connections would be a dream come true, but I'm also looking for remote connections to text, email, talk on the phone, or communicate with via social media, etc.

I have been attending AA and other 12-step meetings, but simply have not found any for Adderall specific support nor have I found many people with comparable situations within those meetings.

I am open to message boards or forums or subreddits or whatever, but I haven't found those very effective in the past, so my ideal situation would be connecting on a more individual and real-time basis.

I am open to more approaches than just trying to be as abstinent as long as possible, and I am trying my best to work with my psychiatrist and a therapist on these issues, too, but I know that finding supportive connections would be so huge in fascilitating my further recover so I am hoping this post finds some relevant people.

Thanks for reading and best of luck to all who are struggling

Last edited by namazu; 01-04-19 at 06:04 PM.. Reason: Removed e-mail address, per site guidelines, and left note on how to receive e-mail through the forum.
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  #2  
Old 01-04-19, 06:11 PM
adderalloveruse adderalloveruse is offline
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Re: Looking to connect with others w/ Adderall overuse issues for support

Quote:
Originally Posted by adderalloveruse View Post
I hope you will consider emailing instead of PMing me, as I doubt have the time and energy to check back here often. Even from a throwaway or anonymous email address you make strictly for the purpose of communicating.
[Moderator note: Members who wish to receive e-mail from other members should click "User CP", then under "Settings & Options", find "E-mail Options" and check the box next to "Receive Email from Other Members". Posting e-mail addresses, phone numbers, or social media accounts publicly is prohibited by site guidelines. - Namazu]

I have since updated my settings so that I can receive emails from other members!
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  #3  
Old 01-04-19, 10:39 PM
adderalloveruse adderalloveruse is offline
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Re: Looking to connect with others w/ Adderall overuse issues for support

Also you definitely don't need to read my whole a** story to reach out, lol! Cant believe I rambled so much. Just look to connect with other people on Adderall issues!
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Old 01-11-19, 11:19 AM
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sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
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Re: Looking to connect with others w/ Adderall overuse issues for support

Quote:
Originally Posted by adderalloveruse View Post
With my new psychiatrist, I mentioned having lingering anxiety, and his suggestion was to increase my Adderall dose. I don't know how to describe this physician's misguided approach and subsequent indifferent treatment as things spiraled out, but basically over the course of just 3-4 months, my dose was skyrocketed from 20mg/day (taken in 5mg doses 4x per day) up to 120mg/day (taken in 30mg doses 4x per day).
I do not know if I would say the doctor was misguided. Many many times anxiety is part of having adhd not treated as well as it could be. Many people have anxiety-like symptoms that are part of adhd and some people have comorbid anxiety. Your doctor could have written you a script for xanax and you might have ended up in the same boat. But, I do think that 120mg is high. Did your doctor tell you that this high dose of adderall would help you or did it become an issue of you complaining about your symptoms and asking for more adderall and the doctor saying yes?


Quote:
But by then my life had become such a mess, and I started to relapse. Furthermore, I even began taking even more Adderall, and began occasionally exceeding even the 120mg/day (sometimes finishing 1 month's supply in 2 weeks).

Unfortunately, I stayed with the same psychiatrist and somehow always managed/was granted an early refill thus never went without Adderall even when I used it all up way too quickly (aka i sometimes would go through Adderall at a rate of on average 240mg/day for two weeks, yet still get a refill after those two weeks for another 120mg/day).
The early refill thing is definitely sketchy though but you cant necessarily blame your doctor for you taking too much adderall. He should have flagged you but when we are in the thick of addiction we are surprisingly convincing about what it is that we want and how to get it. The doctor was irresponsible but so were you.

Quote:
I really could use a support network of connections with people I can text, call, and communicate in real-time. I'm hoping some people out there might have similar issues and be interested in creating the same kind of supportive network/connections.
It sounds like you are an addict. The only way to heal from addiction is to remove the substance completely and practice abstinence. I am an alcoholic. As much as I'd like to think I could have one glass of wine and be fine, one glass awakens the beast and I would never stop at one. I am also not someone who can ever take benzos long term. I have had them recently for MRI's and right after my daughter ran away but anything more than a month puts me at risk of abusing because they are easy for me to self dose. So I avoid them. I go to 12 step meetings. You say you need someone call and text for support. You need to got to an NA meeting and introduce yourself and get a sponsor. That would be someone you could lean on.

[/quote]I have been attending AA and other 12-step meetings, but simply have not found any for Adderall specific support nor have I found many people with comparable situations within those meetings.
[/quote]
I used to say the same types of things about AA meetings. I couldnt find anyone with my exact situation and I couldnt relate to a lot of people there. That was just an excuse to avoid the hard work. NA is narcotics anon. and while heroin and fentanyl are the biggies going on alot, most addicts have tried and abused adderall and benzos and opiates or alcohol. Did you ever introduce yourself and share your story and see who talks to you about it after the meeting?
Quote:
I am open to message boards or forums or subreddits or whatever, but I haven't found those very effective in the past, so my ideal situation would be connecting on a more individual and real-time basis.

I am open to more approaches than just trying to be as abstinent as long as possible, and I am trying my best to work with my psychiatrist and a therapist on these issues, too, but I know that finding supportive connections would be so huge in fascilitating my further recover so I am hoping this post finds some relevant people.

Thanks for reading and best of luck to all who are struggling
It sounds like you are trying to dictate how your recovery should go and who should be responsible for it. You need to be around other addicts and alcoholics in person. In person because while electronic support is nice, it should never take the place of in person recovery support. It may be time to get honest and decided how willing are you to take charge of your own recovery. Its so easy to talk yourself out of a room of addicts and alcoholics because they are too old, too different, too this or too that. If you check your preconceived notions at the door you get way more out of it. I am not trying to be harsh and I am trying to remember that I have 6+ years of sobriety and I can tell you that it took for times of me trying 12 step meetings before it clicked. I would try-think it wasnt for me, remain abstinent and then pick up a drink thinking "just this once" could work for me. It could not. And I imagine that I am luckier than some that my issue was never stimulants or opiates. I have been able to take pain medicine responsibly and I have been on adderall for like 14 years so I know it sounds way easier for me to say it then it is for you to do it. But if I havent offended you, you can always pm me for anything else.
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