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Old 09-10-14, 06:50 PM
Hopefully Knot Hopefully Knot is offline
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Same thing. Wondering the same thing.

I have never been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. However, several of my cousins and at least one aunt has it. What is my diagnosis? I have had several, throughout my life. From 8-13, I was believed to be majorly depressed. Hospitalized from 13-15. Meds prescribed included amempermine and desempermine (spelling?), then lithium. Reading over excerpts from some medical records, different therapists had different impressions. My guess is that it takes a LONG TIME to accurately diagnose someone who does not disclose everything. Some words appearing in my records include schizoid and schizo-affective personality, major depression, dissociative, bi polar. Basically, young adolescent who is angry because he doesn't feel loved, blah, blah, blah. Insurance ran out; I was cured! Praise Jesus! Left hospital at 15. By 17, was in jail for felony theft (impulsive acts, thrill seeking) and motor vehicle theft (impulsive acts, thrill seeking). Got probation, but revoked it one year later, with a long list of felonies, including another motor vehicle theft (from the dealership, right under their nose during business hours: impulsive act and thrill seeking), attempt and conspiracy to commit aggravated robbery and attempted second degree murder (impulsive acts: thrill seeking). So at 18, I was on my way to the big house. How *******' exciting! From 17-18 I experimented with mushrooms and LSD, then started eating boxes of motion sickness pills called Merezine. My impulsive, thrill seeking acts continued in jail, and in prison when I got there (24 year sentence: no problem!). Here, I went through a diagnostic testing facility, and although I got a headache and quickly penciled in answers to the MMPI test, verbal interviews---several---left the psychiatrist with the impression that I was schizophrenic, high anxiety. Was placed on anti-psychotics, including Thorazine and something else that started with an N, and Elavill. I was having one of those rare moments when I felt I could be open and just say what I was experiencing, which included racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, insomnia, hearing voices, seeing things that weren't there, inability to concentrate or hold my attention on anything for long, thought about homicide alot but also just plain day dreamed all day, had memory problems. The day dreaming is something I have done since I was a child (now 42). When I daydream, it is often reliving memories of things that have already happened, not necessarily traumatic memories, although, because my life was fairly bizarre, some though not nearly all of my day dreams were reliving traumatic events. Sometimes it wasn't reliving memories but rather fantasizing about either saving other people or killing other people (don't worry: I never followed through). When I daydream, and/or relive memories, it is not entirely when I am alone. I can be talking to someone or sitting in a meeting and any trigger word could send me into this daydream state, usually fairly short, and while I am in this state I have no memory of anything that happens or is said around me. It is literally as though I am not in the room with myself. And yes, people have told me I have done things I do not remember doing.

So, I met with a doctor in prison that was on a power trip and wanted to take me off of the N drug and put me back on Thorazine most likely for easy management of me (I was becoming fairly uninhibited), and I did not want to be zonked out on Thorazine because my paranoia dictated that I needed to be alert to defend myself as I was young and therefore victim prone. The N drug, unless taken with benadrill, gave me seizures, and it happened to me several times. This doctor intentionally cancelled the order for Benadrill! I took that for what it was: poisoning. So I started cheeking the N pills and decided I would pour the contents of these capsules in the coffee pot of the metal health department to see how they like their own medicine. That was foiled, when a friend of mine told the prison guards that he was protecting them from me. This event caused me to discontinue mental health treatment in prison. I went ten years and got out. Most of the schizophrenic-like symptoms went away. Possibly because of sobriety? I did have problems experiencing feelings and I talked to a therapist that I felt I could trust, toward the end of my incarceration, about how to experience feelings...to no avail. The thrill seeking stopped. Yet I was still impulsive.

While I was on parole, I had a suit-and-tie job, and did not need money desperately. Yet, I went along with a friend of mine from prison on an armed home invasion of drug dealers. I pretended to be a police officer. Okay, maybe the that was the last thrill seeking experience. I didn't need the money. I did it for the excitement. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! What is wrong with me? My friend had a gun. But I was armed only with a hammer. I interrogated these meth heads like I was a cop, but they knew I wasn't a cop and neither was my friend, who was sleeved in prison tattoo ink. I got really upset when these suspects lied to me about the length of their sobriety. The track marks on their arms were fresh and yet they claimed to be clean for 90 days. My friend pulled me out of there when he found nothing worth taking, and then I went about my life as though it never happened. I rationalized that if violence or theft were to happen, these were not innocent people. I had told myself I would never harm an innocent person...but were these people innocent? This was over a decade ago and the statute of limitations is over. Besides, this was just one impulsive act in a thousand.

The last ten years, I have worked extremely hard, paid off all my fines, paid off all my restitution, own my own house, my own truck, and I have lots of toys, including a four wheeler. I have so much "stuff" because I impulsively buy things I do not necessarily need.

I have problems concentrating, holding my attention, still problems with impulsiveness, still daydream/relive memories. No fantasies of violence. I feel like I am under-achieving in the work environment, holding myself back. The real thing is that I am terribly embarrassed about my attention and memory problem because I feel like other people will view me as "stupid" so I try to act out other explanations so that people do not arrive at the conclusion I am stupid. Leadership? The sky might be the limit, but I am so weighted down by a lack of self-confidence that I go nowhere. I tell other people I do not want a management position because I prefer to work and do not want to deal with people. The real reason is because I am afraid my attention and memory problems will be noticed and I will be humiliated. It is the same reason I did not do well in school. I gave the world low hanging fruit to grab, that is, easy explanations. This kid is just a troublemaker. Truth is, I had no interest in trouble making. I just was deeply, deeply ashamed of my attention/memory problem, because I thought I was stupid. Pretty sad actually.

Now that I have health insurance, I have seen a therapist here and there. But they only get "partial glimpses" of me because there is just so much to talk about that it would cost me a million dollars just to get a therapist to really know me. It does not help that I see different people when I have the spark to talk, which only happens once a year or two. One therapist thought I was Borderline personality. Due to my penchant for self-destruction, promiscuity, lack of affect, depression, anxiety, and occasional preoccupation with self-harm, and my history of abuse, identity issues, etc. I can see that. Another therapist said I am simply PSTD. Another said I am a sociopath, because of the lack of affect, thrill seeking, inability of profiting from experience, lack of empathy, etc.

Twenty years ago or so, one therapist told me I had primary personality disorder, and that I had more than one personality and one of my personalities is schizophrenic. I laughed at that one. Impossible. Totally don't see that.

I have had a few head injuries, including a fractured skull, and multiple concussions, loss of consciousness. I have heard voices after that has happened but they eventually go away. The voices never told me to do things. And once in a great while, I hear them. Not consistently. I have thought I have had dialog with angels and demons.

I had headaches for the last twenty some odd years but no real chronic pain until the last 8 years. Also, I felt cold and emotionless while I felt unsafe in some of the places I have been. Yet I really did not feel too depressed during my ten years in prison. It wasn't until I got out and changed my life and felt safe that all of the stuff I compartmentalized came flying out of the box and depression hit me hard. Depression. Chronic pain. I have been taking pain killers for the pain I feel in my back, and I shouldn't feel any pain because there is nothing wrong. But my muscles tense up in knots, and massage therapists are baffled by how bound up I am. I have bad allergies, and a myriad of health problems, including kidney stones, and I have already had cancer.

I have been trying different anti-depressants to see what works with side effects I can live with. Cymbalta gave me mood swings, alternating euphoria and crying sadness. Celexa did not take away the terrible headaches I had which felt like brain tumors. Prozak...wow that worked at first, but gave me gerd so bad it scorched my esophagus. Pristiq gave me terrible pain behind my eyes. Also, I was experiencing this bizarre shocking feeling when I would be about to fall asleep, like someone was hooking up a car battery to my brain. I saw a neurologist about that and he put me on Nortriptolene which helped but not for depression. I tried Remeron and that helped me sleep and helped with depression too, but it was causing some weird stiffness in my hands. I tried Lexapro, gained a bunch of weight, and it didn't help with depression really. Finally I am on Welbutrin 450 mg. No depression. I can't sleep so I take ambien. Also, for pain, I take Suboxone (heavy duty). I found out through sleep studies in the last few years that I have sleep apnea. I wonder if it is caused or worsened by the pain killers because I notice it affects my breathing. I also have mild asthma. I am really kinda a wreck actually.

What is my theory? I am not a doctor. But I wonder if I might be ADD/ADHD. I channel my hyper-activity into work, where I work 84 hour weeks for two weeks then take two weeks off. Nobody has said "you need to see a shrink because you are hyper-active" at work, because productivity is valued. I work hard and am productive but not as skilled as I could be due to my short attention span and inability to remember. But I have been ordered to take a break more times than I can remember, and I have outworked every peer I have ever worked with, and I get frustrated by other people not being able to keep up with me (I perceive them as lazy and shun them). My wife is always in tow because she cannot walk as fast. I am forever leaving her behind. I fidget, but have just figured I was nervous. I never thought I had ADHD because I saw a kid with ADHD when I was hospitalized as a teen, and he was climbing the ******* walls. Comparing myself to him, I never thought I could be ADHD. I may have been looking at the worst case of it, though, and not seeing a milder case myself. I am always lost in thought. Wife always yells at me for not listening to anything she says. I cannot help it. When she speaks, it sends me off into a daydream. My occupational decisions are not consistent and I find my success is largely luck because I see myself making lots of mistakes. Stupid mistakes. I am always thinking conceptually, trying to figure out how things work, because everyday is groundhog day for me. I can't remember all of the little details but if I can remember the fundamental concept behind how something works then I can remember that because it is less to remember. I would probably love physics if I could keep my attention long enough to study something. I am remodeling my house. It has taken me two years doing it piecemeal. I start putting up trim in a room then lose interest. Several months later I will try again. When I take opiate pain killers, it gives me the drive to complete small tasks. I would have the energy to complete the tasks if it were 't for the sleep apnea, which is probably because I take pain killers, which is because I am depressed, which is because I can't pay attention or remember things...but also I do compartmentalize. There are other things going on too. I see psychopathic/sociopathic traits. I see Borderline traits, and Dissociative traits, and schizoid/schizo-affective traits, paranoid traits. I see me splattered all over the wall of mental disorders, but not one thing in particular. Then again I am not a doctor. I dunno. I just wear a poker face and chuckle inside.

So, does anyone else feel like I do? I am so embarrassed. I will probably never rear my face on this forum again after this post. Oh yeah. I frequently ramble like catcher-in-the-rye style rambling. Anyone else do that? I have to force myself to STFU sometimes and it isn't always easy finding a note to end a ramble. I blurt out witty remarks in our safety meetings and make everyone laugh...80% of the time. My throat is shaped like my foot, because my foot is in my mouth often enough.

Know what I mean, jelly bean? But if I was ADD/ADHD, IF... I think my family physician, who is competent, would have noticed by now, right? Is it possible that I am and she hasn't noticed?
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  #2  
Old 09-11-14, 08:56 AM
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Re: Same thing. Wondering the same thing.

Wow! Thanks for sharing your story!

It should be a form of releif to get that story down on paper and to share it! Take a big long breathe brother!

Yes it is possible for physicians who are compotent to miss a diagnosies and also to mis-diagnose. It happens every day.

There was a lot of violence in my early days as well. I feel so much better today leaving all that behind and working to be a better person and an acceptable member of society on this planet.

I would have preferred to be on my own planet, but if this where I was put then I might as well make the best of it!

You might be AD(H)D. You might have another disorder or two. I was diagnosed in 1969 AD(H)D. Later on as an adult I was also diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

80% of people diagnosed with AD(H)D have a second disorder and 50% have a third!

We are careful here to stay within our boundaries of expertise. We can never say whether someone absolutely has a disorder or not, but we can share our symptoms and stories to maybe guide you in the right direction to get proper help.

One last thing. You will get more replies with shorter posts that are broken up and easy to read. As you probably already know most of our kind doesn't do well with lengthy reading! haha..

I'm glad you found the forum and I hope you find the answers your looking for!
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  #3  
Old 09-11-14, 10:23 AM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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Re: Same thing. Wondering the same thing.

greetings and welcome,

yes, i hear you. a number of things stand out to me about your post. overall, your questions...whether your physician could've missed you being adhd...yes, totally possible. here's the thing though: a lot of symptoms of schizophrenia overlap with adhd, the cognitive ones, in particular, and unless you have a childhood diagnosis, i can see why someone would be reluctant to diagnose you with adhd because, as i said, there can be overlap. the other thing is that most medications used to treat adhd, if you have a psychotic disorder and that's not adequately treated, you'll crack again and as miserable as your hospitalizations have been, **** can go downhill and psychiatrists are going to be wary of exacerbating that. you do have the drug use history though and that could've tipped off an underlying thing that now it's become the main thing...it's harder to say. it's also possible she (your family physician) was distracted by other stuff you've had going on and most general practitioners aren't going to be trained to identify adhd or diagnose mental health issues in general. if you got a neuropsych exam as a child, that person should've been able to tell, but your family physician, maybe not and not out of incompetence just out of not being her specialization.

back to the overlapping: like, a lot of things with concentration, being able to read decently, just attention in general, those can be cognitive symptoms of schizophrenia/schizoaffective. and once you're diagnosed with a psychotic disorder a lot of physicians are going to attribute those things to being "cognitive symptoms" because there is considerable research showing that link. i would also say that you mention having trouble with affect and if you mean you have "flat affect" or if it's wildly inappropriate (i could give examples, but i'm not as brave as you are) then that is also part of psychotic disorders. but can also be depression or mood stuff. it's less a symptom of adhd.

it's all a cluster ****, if you ask me, but then i do see lines and i do understand that there's an element of medication responsiveness apart from diagnoses that's more important...more important that you can live without intolerable side effects and not just be trapped in feeling like you're missing **** or it's just one long day punctuated by crap happening to you and not getting a handle on it. or maybe that's just me.

point being, unsure, but assuming that the "n" one is navane, and you've only tried thorazine and navane, those are typicals (first generation antipsychotics) and generally don't do jack **** for cognitive symptoms or things that have to do with affect (like apathy, avolition, the "a" symptoms that are considered "negative" symptoms of schizophrenia) and atypicals kinda do better. if your voices are gone, or rarely occurring or you don't feel obligated by them/they don't interfere with your functioning, then it could (COULD, i'm not a physician) be simply that only those portions of your symptoms are being treated with your current medication and there are other portions unaddressed. the supposed, according to medical people who don't have to take it, best one for negative symptoms is clozaril. but there are lots to try before that which could help with some of the stuff you're dealing with. i'm not one to recommend clozaril. for the blood draws alone are a pain in the ****. but when it works, it can resolve a lot of what you describe having difficulty with. you usually have to try at least two atypicals (like zyprexa, risperdal, seroquel, geodon, etc) before they put you on it though.

anyway, i hope that helps and, yeah, it's totally possible you have adhd as well and it was missed. it's also possible that it's the negative and/or cognitive symptoms being untreated that you're dealing with. can you get a second opinion?

i write long posts at times (and others super short) and definitely have a "stream of consciousness" style to writing, too, so no worries. take care
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  #4  
Old 09-11-14, 12:19 PM
Hopefully Knot Hopefully Knot is offline
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Re: Same thing. Wondering the same thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tmoney View Post
Wow! Thanks for sharing your story!

It should be a form of releif to get that story down on paper and to share it! Take a big long breathe brother!

Yes it is possible for physicians who are compotent to miss a diagnosies and also to mis-diagnose. It happens every day.

There was a lot of violence in my early days as well. I feel so much better today leaving all that behind and working to be a better person and an acceptable member of society on this planet.

I would have preferred to be on my own planet, but if this where I was put then I might as well make the best of it!

You might be AD(H)D. You might have another disorder or two. I was diagnosed in 1969 AD(H)D. Later on as an adult I was also diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

80% of people diagnosed with AD(H)D have a second disorder and 50% have a third!

We are careful here to stay within our boundaries of expertise. We can never say whether someone absolutely has a disorder or not, but we can share our symptoms and stories to maybe guide you in the right direction to get proper help.

One last thing. You will get more replies with shorter posts that are broken up and easy to read. As you probably already know most of our kind doesn't do well with lengthy reading! haha..

I'm glad you found the forum and I hope you find the answers your looking for!
I did not know those facts about the percentage of people who have second disorders. That helps quite a bit. Thanks!
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  #5  
Old 09-11-14, 01:22 PM
Hopefully Knot Hopefully Knot is offline
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Re: Same thing. Wondering the same thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
greetings and welcome,

yes, i hear you. a number of things stand out to me about your post. overall, your questions...whether your physician could've missed you being adhd...yes, totally possible. here's the thing though: a lot of symptoms of schizophrenia overlap with adhd, the cognitive ones, in particular, and unless you have a childhood diagnosis, i can see why someone would be reluctant to diagnose you with adhd because, as i said, there can be overlap. the other thing is that most medications used to treat adhd, if you have a psychotic disorder and that's not adequately treated, you'll crack again and as miserable as your hospitalizations have been, **** can go downhill and psychiatrists are going to be wary of exacerbating that. you do have the drug use history though and that could've tipped off an underlying thing that now it's become the main thing...it's harder to say. it's also possible she (your family physician) was distracted by other stuff you've had going on and most general practitioners aren't going to be trained to identify adhd or diagnose mental health issues in general. if you got a neuropsych exam as a child, that person should've been able to tell, but your family physician, maybe not and not out of incompetence just out of not being her specialization.

back to the overlapping: like, a lot of things with concentration, being able to read decently, just attention in general, those can be cognitive symptoms of schizophrenia/schizoaffective. and once you're diagnosed with a psychotic disorder a lot of physicians are going to attribute those things to being "cognitive symptoms" because there is considerable research showing that link. i would also say that you mention having trouble with affect and if you mean you have "flat affect" or if it's wildly inappropriate (i could give examples, but i'm not as brave as you are) then that is also part of psychotic disorders. but can also be depression or mood stuff. it's less a symptom of adhd.

it's all a cluster ****, if you ask me, but then i do see lines and i do understand that there's an element of medication responsiveness apart from diagnoses that's more important...more important that you can live without intolerable side effects and not just be trapped in feeling like you're missing **** or it's just one long day punctuated by crap happening to you and not getting a handle on it. or maybe that's just me.

point being, unsure, but assuming that the "n" one is navane, and you've only tried thorazine and navane, those are typicals (first generation antipsychotics) and generally don't do jack **** for cognitive symptoms or things that have to do with affect (like apathy, avolition, the "a" symptoms that are considered "negative" symptoms of schizophrenia) and atypicals kinda do better. if your voices are gone, or rarely occurring or you don't feel obligated by them/they don't interfere with your functioning, then it could (COULD, i'm not a physician) be simply that only those portions of your symptoms are being treated with your current medication and there are other portions unaddressed. the supposed, according to medical people who don't have to take it, best one for negative symptoms is clozaril. but there are lots to try before that which could help with some of the stuff you're dealing with. i'm not one to recommend clozaril. for the blood draws alone are a pain in the ****. but when it works, it can resolve a lot of what you describe having difficulty with. you usually have to try at least two atypicals (like zyprexa, risperdal, seroquel, geodon, etc) before they put you on it though.

anyway, i hope that helps and, yeah, it's totally possible you have adhd as well and it was missed. it's also possible that it's the negative and/or cognitive symptoms being untreated that you're dealing with. can you get a second opinion?

i write long posts at times (and others super short) and definitely have a "stream of consciousness" style to writing, too, so no worries. take care
Yes, Navane. That's what it was. Navane. I have tried Serequil too briefly, but not long enough to really test it. I stopped it because it gave me a lot of muscle spasms and twitches. However, it allowed me to sleep at night, and wow, I sure felt different, wasn't sure if I was feeling what normal is supposed to feel, or what, but I remember I did feel good.

By affect, yes, I meant flat or inappropriate affect: feeling nothing when I should be feeling something, or feeling happy when circumstances suggest I should be feeling sad, or feeling sad when I should feel happy. It started in childhood, after I watched my father beat my mother nearly to death, then blamed it on me. That was the start of the abuse. Not knowing how to deal with that, I opted instead to not feel anything. It helped me get through a tough time but I have been spending the rest of my life trying to reverse that method of coping. I am ashamed to say that more often than not I have to pretend to experience feelings in order to keep my life, my career, and my relationships from falling apart. Fake it till you make it (except I never quite make it). After the domestic violence incident that resulted in divorce when I was five---and after being forced to pick a parent to live with---my father remarried a woman who abused me for years. Despite the tension and hatred in the household, my father, under the threat of violence, expected me to act like I was a member of a "family unit" and thus I chose to "act" what I was definitely not feeling inwardly. Pretending to feel what I didn't feel thus was not only an effective way of coping with abuse but I felt forced into it by my father, who I feared. The worse part about it is that my father loved me but did not love my younger brother and it was obvious to everyone. My mother tried to correct that situation by showing my younger brother the same degree of love my father showed me, but, I perceived, witholding the same degree of love that my father withheld from my younger brother. So, when asked who I wanted to live with as a child, I chose my father, because I wanted to be loved. But in so doing, I felt very betrayed when my father sided with his second wife and tolerated the abuse she spoon fed me. So that is how a child develops emotional problems folks. I think they may have been right that I was schizo-affective, but now I am just affective. So as you say, because the childhood diagnosis of ADHD was not made, I have a challenge to obtain that diagnosis, which might not even be the correct diagnosis due to the overlap? That is a bummer for me.

I have been given ativan when I was really worked up and upset/anxious, and it had zero effect upon me. Valume kind of chills me out but it won't put me down. Thorazine wouldn't put me down either. Is that an ADD/ADHD indication? Or just a psychotic indication? Recently while traveling and visiting family, I felt sooo tired due to sleep apnea that I did not feel safe to drive. I took one of my cousin's Adderal pills, in order to stay awake, but I was also testing myself to see whether my attention, concentration, and memory improved. I did not feel amped up. I did not feel jittery, but rather calm. I felt very awake. I felt like I could hold onto the moment longer, like my attention span increased somewhat. I don't know how long a normal attention span is, as long as a person wants it to be I guess. Anyways, I felt it helped me. I felt too not so much "euphoria" as from a high, but felt good in the sense that I had a temporary relief from the tiredness of sleep apnea.

That was alot of good information you gave me, thanks so much. Any suggestions on overcoming the burden of my childhood diagnosis?

BTW, even the psychotic symptoms I experienced when I was younger, I have always doubted. When I think about anything, my thoughts aren't mere thoughts, but vocalized in my mind as a voice. Consequently, when my mind is racing, you can imagine how I might think I am hearing voices when it might just be my imagination.

My memory is like a chalkboard, where the chalk disappears after being on the chalkboard for a minute. I find that I mainly operate therefore on autopilot, doing things without thinking about them.

I did not know these attention issues overlap with other disorders. I guess I am looking for a quick fix, find the right pill and stick to it. This is a lifelong condition, and it has caused me a tremendous amount of grief.
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Old 09-11-14, 01:53 PM
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Re: Same thing. Wondering the same thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopefully Knot View Post
I have never been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. However, several of my cousins and at least one aunt has it. What is my diagnosis? I have had several, throughout my life. From 8-13, I was believed to be majorly depressed. Hospitalized from 13-15. Meds prescribed included amempermine and desempermine (spelling?), then lithium. Reading over excerpts from some medical records, different therapists had different impressions. My guess is that it takes a LONG TIME to accurately diagnose someone who does not disclose everything. Some words appearing in my records include schizoid and schizo-affective personality, major depression, dissociative, bi polar. Basically, young adolescent who is angry because he doesn't feel loved, blah, blah, blah. Insurance ran out; I was cured! Praise Jesus! Left hospital at 15. By 17, was in jail for felony theft (impulsive acts, thrill seeking) and motor vehicle theft (impulsive acts, thrill seeking). Got probation, but revoked it one year later, with a long list of felonies, including another motor vehicle theft (from the dealership, right under their nose during business hours: impulsive act and thrill seeking), attempt and conspiracy to commit aggravated robbery and attempted second degree murder (impulsive acts: thrill seeking). So at 18, I was on my way to the big house. How *******' exciting! From 17-18 I experimented with mushrooms and LSD, then started eating boxes of motion sickness pills called Merezine. My impulsive, thrill seeking acts continued in jail, and in prison when I got there (24 year sentence: no problem!). Here, I went through a diagnostic testing facility, and although I got a headache and quickly penciled in answers to the MMPI test, verbal interviews---several---left the psychiatrist with the impression that I was schizophrenic, high anxiety. Was placed on anti-psychotics, including Thorazine and something else that started with an N, and Elavill. I was having one of those rare moments when I felt I could be open and just say what I was experiencing, which included racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, insomnia, hearing voices, seeing things that weren't there, inability to concentrate or hold my attention on anything for long, thought about homicide alot but also just plain day dreamed all day, had memory problems. The day dreaming is something I have done since I was a child (now 42). When I daydream, it is often reliving memories of things that have already happened, not necessarily traumatic memories, although, because my life was fairly bizarre, some though not nearly all of my day dreams were reliving traumatic events. Sometimes it wasn't reliving memories but rather fantasizing about either saving other people or killing other people (don't worry: I never followed through). When I daydream, and/or relive memories, it is not entirely when I am alone. I can be talking to someone or sitting in a meeting and any trigger word could send me into this daydream state, usually fairly short, and while I am in this state I have no memory of anything that happens or is said around me. It is literally as though I am not in the room with myself. And yes, people have told me I have done things I do not remember doing.

So, I met with a doctor in prison that was on a power trip and wanted to take me off of the N drug and put me back on Thorazine most likely for easy management of me (I was becoming fairly uninhibited), and I did not want to be zonked out on Thorazine because my paranoia dictated that I needed to be alert to defend myself as I was young and therefore victim prone. The N drug, unless taken with benadrill, gave me seizures, and it happened to me several times. This doctor intentionally cancelled the order for Benadrill! I took that for what it was: poisoning. So I started cheeking the N pills and decided I would pour the contents of these capsules in the coffee pot of the metal health department to see how they like their own medicine. That was foiled, when a friend of mine told the prison guards that he was protecting them from me. This event caused me to discontinue mental health treatment in prison. I went ten years and got out. Most of the schizophrenic-like symptoms went away. Possibly because of sobriety? I did have problems experiencing feelings and I talked to a therapist that I felt I could trust, toward the end of my incarceration, about how to experience feelings...to no avail. The thrill seeking stopped. Yet I was still impulsive.

While I was on parole, I had a suit-and-tie job, and did not need money desperately. Yet, I went along with a friend of mine from prison on an armed home invasion of drug dealers. I pretended to be a police officer. Okay, maybe the that was the last thrill seeking experience. I didn't need the money. I did it for the excitement. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! What is wrong with me? My friend had a gun. But I was armed only with a hammer. I interrogated these meth heads like I was a cop, but they knew I wasn't a cop and neither was my friend, who was sleeved in prison tattoo ink. I got really upset when these suspects lied to me about the length of their sobriety. The track marks on their arms were fresh and yet they claimed to be clean for 90 days. My friend pulled me out of there when he found nothing worth taking, and then I went about my life as though it never happened. I rationalized that if violence or theft were to happen, these were not innocent people. I had told myself I would never harm an innocent person...but were these people innocent? This was over a decade ago and the statute of limitations is over. Besides, this was just one impulsive act in a thousand.

The last ten years, I have worked extremely hard, paid off all my fines, paid off all my restitution, own my own house, my own truck, and I have lots of toys, including a four wheeler. I have so much "stuff" because I impulsively buy things I do not necessarily need.

I have problems concentrating, holding my attention, still problems with impulsiveness, still daydream/relive memories. No fantasies of violence. I feel like I am under-achieving in the work environment, holding myself back. The real thing is that I am terribly embarrassed about my attention and memory problem because I feel like other people will view me as "stupid" so I try to act out other explanations so that people do not arrive at the conclusion I am stupid. Leadership? The sky might be the limit, but I am so weighted down by a lack of self-confidence that I go nowhere. I tell other people I do not want a management position because I prefer to work and do not want to deal with people. The real reason is because I am afraid my attention and memory problems will be noticed and I will be humiliated. It is the same reason I did not do well in school. I gave the world low hanging fruit to grab, that is, easy explanations. This kid is just a troublemaker. Truth is, I had no interest in trouble making. I just was deeply, deeply ashamed of my attention/memory problem, because I thought I was stupid. Pretty sad actually.

Now that I have health insurance, I have seen a therapist here and there. But they only get "partial glimpses" of me because there is just so much to talk about that it would cost me a million dollars just to get a therapist to really know me. It does not help that I see different people when I have the spark to talk, which only happens once a year or two. One therapist thought I was Borderline personality. Due to my penchant for self-destruction, promiscuity, lack of affect, depression, anxiety, and occasional preoccupation with self-harm, and my history of abuse, identity issues, etc. I can see that. Another therapist said I am simply PSTD. Another said I am a sociopath, because of the lack of affect, thrill seeking, inability of profiting from experience, lack of empathy, etc.

Twenty years ago or so, one therapist told me I had primary personality disorder, and that I had more than one personality and one of my personalities is schizophrenic. I laughed at that one. Impossible. Totally don't see that.

I have had a few head injuries, including a fractured skull, and multiple concussions, loss of consciousness. I have heard voices after that has happened but they eventually go away. The voices never told me to do things. And once in a great while, I hear them. Not consistently. I have thought I have had dialog with angels and demons.

I had headaches for the last twenty some odd years but no real chronic pain until the last 8 years. Also, I felt cold and emotionless while I felt unsafe in some of the places I have been. Yet I really did not feel too depressed during my ten years in prison. It wasn't until I got out and changed my life and felt safe that all of the stuff I compartmentalized came flying out of the box and depression hit me hard. Depression. Chronic pain. I have been taking pain killers for the pain I feel in my back, and I shouldn't feel any pain because there is nothing wrong. But my muscles tense up in knots, and massage therapists are baffled by how bound up I am. I have bad allergies, and a myriad of health problems, including kidney stones, and I have already had cancer.

I have been trying different anti-depressants to see what works with side effects I can live with. Cymbalta gave me mood swings, alternating euphoria and crying sadness. Celexa did not take away the terrible headaches I had which felt like brain tumors. Prozak...wow that worked at first, but gave me gerd so bad it scorched my esophagus. Pristiq gave me terrible pain behind my eyes. Also, I was experiencing this bizarre shocking feeling when I would be about to fall asleep, like someone was hooking up a car battery to my brain. I saw a neurologist about that and he put me on Nortriptolene which helped but not for depression. I tried Remeron and that helped me sleep and helped with depression too, but it was causing some weird stiffness in my hands. I tried Lexapro, gained a bunch of weight, and it didn't help with depression really. Finally I am on Welbutrin 450 mg. No depression. I can't sleep so I take ambien. Also, for pain, I take Suboxone (heavy duty). I found out through sleep studies in the last few years that I have sleep apnea. I wonder if it is caused or worsened by the pain killers because I notice it affects my breathing. I also have mild asthma. I am really kinda a wreck actually.

What is my theory? I am not a doctor. But I wonder if I might be ADD/ADHD. I channel my hyper-activity into work, where I work 84 hour weeks for two weeks then take two weeks off. Nobody has said "you need to see a shrink because you are hyper-active" at work, because productivity is valued. I work hard and am productive but not as skilled as I could be due to my short attention span and inability to remember. But I have been ordered to take a break more times than I can remember, and I have outworked every peer I have ever worked with, and I get frustrated by other people not being able to keep up with me (I perceive them as lazy and shun them). My wife is always in tow because she cannot walk as fast. I am forever leaving her behind. I fidget, but have just figured I was nervous. I never thought I had ADHD because I saw a kid with ADHD when I was hospitalized as a teen, and he was climbing the ******* walls. Comparing myself to him, I never thought I could be ADHD. I may have been looking at the worst case of it, though, and not seeing a milder case myself. I am always lost in thought. Wife always yells at me for not listening to anything she says. I cannot help it. When she speaks, it sends me off into a daydream. My occupational decisions are not consistent and I find my success is largely luck because I see myself making lots of mistakes. Stupid mistakes. I am always thinking conceptually, trying to figure out how things work, because everyday is groundhog day for me. I can't remember all of the little details but if I can remember the fundamental concept behind how something works then I can remember that because it is less to remember. I would probably love physics if I could keep my attention long enough to study something. I am remodeling my house. It has taken me two years doing it piecemeal. I start putting up trim in a room then lose interest. Several months later I will try again. When I take opiate pain killers, it gives me the drive to complete small tasks. I would have the energy to complete the tasks if it were 't for the sleep apnea, which is probably because I take pain killers, which is because I am depressed, which is because I can't pay attention or remember things...but also I do compartmentalize. There are other things going on too. I see psychopathic/sociopathic traits. I see Borderline traits, and Dissociative traits, and schizoid/schizo-affective traits, paranoid traits. I see me splattered all over the wall of mental disorders, but not one thing in particular. Then again I am not a doctor. I dunno. I just wear a poker face and chuckle inside.

So, does anyone else feel like I do? I am so embarrassed. I will probably never rear my face on this forum again after this post. Oh yeah. I frequently ramble like catcher-in-the-rye style rambling. Anyone else do that? I have to force myself to STFU sometimes and it isn't always easy finding a note to end a ramble. I blurt out witty remarks in our safety meetings and make everyone laugh...80% of the time. My throat is shaped like my foot, because my foot is in my mouth often enough.

Know what I mean, jelly bean? But if I was ADD/ADHD, IF... I think my family physician, who is competent, would have noticed by now, right? Is it possible that I am and she hasn't noticed?

" It is literally as though I am not in the room with myself. And yes, people have told me I have done things I do not remember doing. "

That happened to me a lot as a kid where I would space out.

I had some similar experiences to most of this when I was younger. I'm 25 these days so when I say younger I mean 16. I did a lot of things that should have sent me to prison. A lot of it, was about curiosity, I wanted to see what I could and could not get away with. It became a challenge in its own right and the risk factors were what kept me interested.

I'm bipolar as well as adhd, so the adhd combo of being utterly defiant, and craving challenges and excitement, combined with the inflated sense of self that mania offers, is a recipe for disaster.

"I feel like other people will view me as "stupid" so I try to act out other explanations"

I can relate to that as well. It's often mispercieved as manipulative, but it's actually just not wanting to look stupid or say the wrong thing so I would see and think ahead, because I may not be focused enough on the conversation to think of anything to say in the moment.

"I went ten years and got out. Most of the schizophrenic-like symptoms went away. Possibly because of sobriety?" Sounds like bipolar to me, and the end of a manic episode.

" I did have problems experiencing feelings and I talked to a therapist that I felt I could trust, toward the end of my incarceration, about how to experience feelings...to no avail. The thrill seeking stopped. Yet I was still impulsive. " bipolar again

" I got really upset when these suspects lied to me about the length of their sobriety. The track marks on their arms were fresh and yet they claimed to be clean for 90 days. My friend pulled me out of there when he found nothing worth taking, and then I went about my life as though it never happened. I rationalized that if violence or theft were to happen, these were not innocent people. I had told myself I would never harm an innocent person...but were these people innocent? "

This sounds psychological, in that you might have seen aspects in them you felt about yourself. The need to punish the "non innocent" the anger towards the lies. You were lying to them and they were lying to you.

"The real reason is because I am afraid my attention and memory problems will be noticed and I will be humiliated. It is the same reason I did not do well in school. " this sounds like adhd


The rest of it is a mix between those three I mentioned, bipolar, adhd, and psychological aspects. However, obviously, i'm not a doctor nor could I or anyone else diagnose anything. But I do see similarities in some of my experiences. I'm diagnosed with bipolar and adhd and I do know the combo is pretty dangerous and often misunderstood.

You'll want to see a neuro-psychiatrist, which is not quite the same as a regular psychiatrist. You also could see a differential specialist, either a psychologist or psychiatrist or both. A differential specialist is someone who can tell the difference between one disorder versus another.

You'll have to do work in this regards, don't just see any doctor, or any shrink. Make sure it is someone at the top of the field in what they do. The cost is the same usually, but they most always do not deal with insurance companies, usually you are given a form to hand to the insurance companies to make your claim.

The way to find specialists of a field like that is to find articles, research, or anything published by a doctor in regards to adhd or bipolar. Then see if that doc lives near by.

The other option is again, to look up a neuro-psychiatrist.

You really want someone that knows what they are doing, so many doctors i've met were utterly incompetent. I had to do some digging to find a doc that could tell the difference between bipolar and adhd as well as accurately diagnose a comorbid disorder.

I picked my doc because he had done research actively and still publishes to this day. That's important because you want someone who is up to date and passionate about what they do.

p.s I grew up in Alaska
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Last edited by InvitroCanibal; 09-11-14 at 02:05 PM..
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Old 09-11-14, 01:58 PM
Pilgrim Pilgrim is offline
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Re: Same thing. Wondering the same thing.

That's a well put story. I think your a very brave person for opening up like that.
I still have those moments of clarity and these can be a great window to what's going on.

On this forum a lot of the people here have issues. Do come back Anne tell us your story as it progresses.

I really, really hope you to sort these things. A complicated history but not hard to understand .

A lot of your problems are typical of the things that to wrong with untreated conditions , what it leads to and hen what happens as a result.
Goodluck from Sydney friend.

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Old 09-11-14, 02:58 PM
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Re: Same thing. Wondering the same thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopefully Knot View Post
That was alot of good information you gave me, thanks so much. Any suggestions on overcoming the burden of my childhood diagnosis?
so glad it was helpful : )

let me put some thought into it in light of the additional clarification/information you gave and, yeah, i have some more ideas about what you might try/how to go about seeing what things are happening and getting them resolved.

i'm on lunch and have to go to back to a day programme thing for the afternoon, but will write more later. i did want to say that i'm glad you came back. i can relate to writing out a bunch of stuff and then later being embarassed and just staying away/wary, and i'm glad you returned and hope you stick around. have a good day and, as i said, i'll write more later.
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Old 09-13-14, 10:23 AM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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Re: Same thing. Wondering the same thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopefully Knot View Post
Yes, Navane. That's what it was. Navane. I have tried Serequil too briefly, but not long enough to really test it. I stopped it because it gave me a lot of muscle spasms and twitches. However, it allowed me to sleep at night, and wow, I sure felt different, wasn't sure if I was feeling what normal is supposed to feel, or what, but I remember I did feel good.
the muscle stuff is common with these types of medications. sometimes taking artane, cogentin or propranolol can help with that and which one you are given kinda depends on which side effect you're having. i can appreciate how much that sucks though and why you'd go off it.

Quote:
By affect, yes, I meant flat or inappropriate affect: feeling nothing when I should be feeling something, or feeling happy when circumstances suggest I should be feeling sad, or feeling sad when I should feel happy. It started in childhood, after I watched my father beat my mother nearly to death, then blamed it on me. That was the start of the abuse. Not knowing how to deal with that, I opted instead to not feel anything. It helped me get through a tough time but I have been spending the rest of my life trying to reverse that method of coping. I am ashamed to say that more often than not I have to pretend to experience feelings in order to keep my life, my career, and my relationships from falling apart. Fake it till you make it (except I never quite make it). After the domestic violence incident that resulted in divorce when I was five---and after being forced to pick a parent to live with---my father remarried a woman who abused me for years. Despite the tension and hatred in the household, my father, under the threat of violence, expected me to act like I was a member of a "family unit" and thus I chose to "act" what I was definitely not feeling inwardly. Pretending to feel what I didn't feel thus was not only an effective way of coping with abuse but I felt forced into it by my father, who I feared. The worse part about it is that my father loved me but did not love my younger brother and it was obvious to everyone. My mother tried to correct that situation by showing my younger brother the same degree of love my father showed me, but, I perceived, witholding the same degree of love that my father withheld from my younger brother. So, when asked who I wanted to live with as a child, I chose my father, because I wanted to be loved. But in so doing, I felt very betrayed when my father sided with his second wife and tolerated the abuse she spoon fed me. So that is how a child develops emotional problems folks. I think they may have been right that I was schizo-affective, but now I am just affective. So as you say, because the childhood diagnosis of ADHD was not made, I have a challenge to obtain that diagnosis, which might not even be the correct diagnosis due to the overlap? That is a bummer for me.
i'm so sorry you had to endure that. it sounds like you've definitely had a rough time with your family and it's incredible that you persevere. i'm glad you're here.

Quote:
I have been given ativan when I was really worked up and upset/anxious, and it had zero effect upon me. Valume kind of chills me out but it won't put me down. Thorazine wouldn't put me down either. Is that an ADD/ADHD indication? Or just a psychotic indication?
it's hard to say. i mean, if you do have psychotic agitation there's usually more in the syringe than ativan and if there isn't, ativan doesn't necessarily do jack **** for you. ativan is also used to stave off/treat catatonia so the way it works in people with psychotic disorders can be super counter intuitive. apart from that, all i can say is that i take ativan, a lot of it, and it doesn't knock me out either. i don't know what all that means. my diagnosis isn't just adhd, but i do have a childhood adhd diagnosis, too. that's my experience, but only a medical professional can probably tell you what it amounts to...?

Quote:
Recently while traveling and visiting family, I felt sooo tired due to sleep apnea that I did not feel safe to drive. I took one of my cousin's Adderal pills, in order to stay awake, but I was also testing myself to see whether my attention, concentration, and memory improved. I did not feel amped up. I did not feel jittery, but rather calm. I felt very awake. I felt like I could hold onto the moment longer, like my attention span increased somewhat. I don't know how long a normal attention span is, as long as a person wants it to be I guess. Anyways, I felt it helped me. I felt too not so much "euphoria" as from a high, but felt good in the sense that I had a temporary relief from the tiredness of sleep apnea.
the brief period i took adderall it made me feel like dirt was running through my veins and i looked and felt sickly, so...yeah, no personal experience to match that. i did take ritalin and dexedrine with greater success though, so that could be a matter of people reacting differently to medications without it being related to diagnosis. even people here with adhd as their sole diagnosis react differently to each medication, but i do think it is something to keep in mind and tell the person you end up seeing as it could be an indicator of something. i don't know for sure though.

Quote:
That was alot of good information you gave me, thanks so much. Any suggestions on overcoming the burden of my childhood diagnosis?
can you see a new psychiatrist? say that you're interested in getting a second opinion? (or third, fifth, whatever)

i know you said your family had turbulence. can you get ahold of school records showing report cards, and especially behavior things from childhood?

like, i have a history of expulsions from primary school because i was unmedicated and disruptive (unintentionally) all of the time. i also just was constantly never prepared, never had what i was supposed to, never on task, always talking, etc. showing your history that predates your schizophrenia/schizoaffective diagnosis could go a long way to getting your symptoms assessed as not being cognitive/negative symptoms of sz/sza. i would say that also seeing if your symptoms are chronic underlying or occuring when you're having episodes will also be key. and keep in mind there is something called post psychosis depression where you have an episode and then just are blank **** without being able to follow a train of thought for awhile.

yeah, i wish i could be more helpful there, but it can be hard to differentiate and so i think the key is to find a child history documented. by grades, school reports, an aunt/uncle...etc.

Quote:
BTW, even the psychotic symptoms I experienced when I was younger, I have always doubted. When I think about anything, my thoughts aren't mere thoughts, but vocalized in my mind as a voice. Consequently, when my mind is racing, you can imagine how I might think I am hearing voices when it might just be my imagination.
voices come in a lot of variety. i guess i can see how you could think that. i think pediatric schizophrenia is really ******* rare, too. so, i don't know. i know who say they recall this and that from being single-digit age, but that does seem like you could just be imagining. it depends on what kind of voices you have though. some are definitely not...hmm..how to put this?

the fact that you seem to have demonstrated insight doesn't mean you can't still have psychosis, though i have no idea what it would be like to have insight in that way. i hope that makes sense.

Quote:
My memory is like a chalkboard, where the chalk disappears after being on the chalkboard for a minute. I find that I mainly operate therefore on autopilot, doing things without thinking about them.
how long ago did you last have problems with psychosis? it can be more episodic and the aftermath can be exactly what you describe.

i hear you though and my memory is **** at times.

Quote:
I did not know these attention issues overlap with other disorders. I guess I am looking for a quick fix, find the right pill and stick to it. This is a lifelong condition, and it has caused me a tremendous amount of grief.
i hear you on this as well. i don't know that there's a quick fix, but there are ways to help, depending on what the underlying cause is. there are therapies to specifically help memory and attention. cognitive remediation is one, but you have to have been stable for a set amount of time and i've been told it's a six month minimum. you could also look into/ask about that and maybe see if that's an option for you at all.

hope this finds you feeling a bit better.
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