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Old 06-09-19, 10:16 AM
Celeste85 Celeste85 is offline
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Talking too much

Dear all,

I am writing here for the first time, because I have a problem that causes me lots of difficulties with some friends (or former friends). Actually I am quite shy and introvert and if I don't know people I am usually very quiet.

But for friends and family I talk to them a lot. And I switch topics a lot and I am talking about things coming to my head and maybe they are not interested in. It happend already several times that friends complained about this, usually after staying with me for a longer than usual time, for example when I visit them. Recently even the 3 year old daughter of a friend asked why I talk so much...Just very recently a friend stopped contacting me with the explanation that one the one side I talk to much too her and don't talk enough to her friend's friends or don't look at paintings in museums.

I normally need a lot of time to myself and after talking to people I usually feel stressed and tired. And I always plan to ask them questions first and then I always get started on some topic and talk about everything that happenend in my life recently. It feels like getting carried away without realizing it.

Does anyone have kind of a similar problem? Did you find some tricks or solutions to help to stop talking like this? Any help would be very appreciated because this kind of ruins lots of my friendships.
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  #2  
Old 06-09-19, 11:57 AM
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Gaining Control of Your Mouth

In answer to your question, "does anyone else have this problem?" I can tell you that in my time on this forum, I have seen similar questions raised quite a few times. (I just don't know how you would search those threads.) I think I might have had some of this trouble myself when I was younger.

For you, the problem is that you lose any kind of supervisory control over what you say...and over-sharing can cause you many different types of problems in life.

For your friends, though, the problem with you being on auto-pilot is that it's all about you...you aren't really showing any interest or concern for them. To put it harshly, you aren't listening or being a friend. My reason for saying this is to suggest that you go beyond planning to ask questions, and think ahead of time about how to BE the friend that you want to HAVE.

So coming back to the question of how to gain control over yourself, you can try things like phone or watch reminders, a rubber band around your wrist that you can snap, etc.

But it could be that the direct approach of telling your friends that you know you have this problem, and asking them to do you the kindness of signalling you when they see you start to "run off at the mouth." It probably won't take very many times of stopping to regroup before you will start to recognize what is happening and be able to regain control on your own.

Good luck!
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Old 06-10-19, 06:13 PM
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Re: Talking too much

Welcome to ADD Forums, Celeste,

What you described sounds similar to me in some ways. I'm also pretty shy, especially around people I don't know, but once I get to know them, I probably talk more than I should sometimes. But the thing that really annoyed people the most is that in the middle of a conversation, something else would cross my mind that was often only remotely related to what we were talking about, and I'd bring this other thing up and send the conversation off on a tangent, often without waiting long enough to be sure that the other person was finished talking.

And the other person usually didn't see any connection between this new thing I brought up and what we were talking about before and it often made them think that I just wasn't interested in what they had to say and just wanted to change the topic to something else. And sometimes, too, I really did want to talk about something else that interested me more, but I was pretty clumsy sometimes about knowing when it was OK to take the conversation on to something new.

I taught for a while and this tendency to go off on tangents was a problem for me then, too. A student complained in a teaching evaluation that the class often got bogged down because I would go off on tangents instead of sticking to the stuff that I was supposed to be teaching them that day.

I've found, fortunately, that the stimulant medication I'm taking for ADHD has helped me quite a bit. As someone else said in something I was reading, ADHD medication can allow a space between thought and action so that I don't just blurt something out the second it comes into my head without thinking about it first. So, I've found that I'm much more likely now when I'm having a conversation to have a second to think to myself, "Is this something that I should bring up now or should I perhaps wait until later?"
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  #4  
Old 09-27-19, 12:26 AM
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Re: Talking too much

Hi Celeste. I'm coming a little late to this discussion.
Does ANYONE else have this problem? YES! I share it with you. For me, I can self monitor at the beginning of talking to someone but then get caught up in what I'm saying and forget to self monitor. I hate when I do that because I know what it's like to be on the receiving end. I've been described as "a wall of words." The part that hurt the worst is that it was true. I've been searching for a medication I can tolerate and works. When they work, the meds do help. But adverse effects have been a big issue. Wish I had more than words of empathy for you.
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Old 09-27-19, 04:27 AM
Monox D. I-Fly Monox D. I-Fly is offline
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Re: Gaining Control of Your Mouth

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Originally Posted by 20thcenturyfox View Post
For your friends, though, the problem with you being on auto-pilot is that it's all about you...you aren't really showing any interest or concern for them. To put it harshly, you aren't listening or being a friend. My reason for saying this is to suggest that you go beyond planning to ask questions, and think ahead of time about how to BE the friend that you want to HAVE.
In my workplace, it's a bit more complicated than that. There's this one coworker who after asks a question to me and then I go to the detail, she would say "Who asked you about that?". There are two examples I remember:


She: "Can you swim?"
Me: "Yes. When I was in High School, being able to swim was a must to get a PE grade"
She: "Who?"
Me: "Me"
She: "Who... asked you about that?"


The other instance was when the single employees eating together. She and her best friend got freaked out when they saw me put grated cheese on my rice meal.
She: "Is it even tasty?"
Me: "Have you never eaten rice with grated cheese? There's a place which sells grated cheese fried rice"
She: "Who asked you about that?"


And no, in my case it's not because I am not really showing any interest or concern for them. In fact, whenever I try to ask something generic people are doing, they accused me of demanding to know about their personal life and invading their privacy. This is one of my reasons for shutting down my personality in my workplace. Regarding the topic at hand, I won't either:
1. Tell anything unless they asked me first. Even though I can't go to work, I would only let the higher-ups know. Not even my best friend needs to know about that, and I won't invade his privacy either.
2. Asking anything not related to work, unless they brought up the topic first. If they start to refuse giving any answer, I will stop and not investigating any further.
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Old 09-27-19, 11:34 AM
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Lunacie Lunacie is offline
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Re: Gaining Control of Your Mouth

Quote:
Originally Posted by Monox D. I-Fly View Post
In my workplace, it's a bit more complicated than that. There's this one coworker who after asks a question to me and then I go to the detail, she would say "Who asked you about that?". There are two examples I remember:


She: "Can you swim?"
Me: "Yes. When I was in High School, being able to swim was a must to get a PE grade"
She: "Who?"
Me: "Me"
She: "Who... asked you about that?"


The other instance was when the single employees eating together. She and her best friend got freaked out when they saw me put grated cheese on my rice meal.
She: "Is it even tasty?"
Me: "Have you never eaten rice with grated cheese? There's a place which sells grated cheese fried rice"
She: "Who asked you about that?"


And no, in my case it's not because I am not really showing any interest or concern for them. In fact, whenever I try to ask something generic people are doing, they accused me of demanding to know about their personal life and invading their privacy. This is one of my reasons for shutting down my personality in my workplace. Regarding the topic at hand, I won't either:
1. Tell anything unless they asked me first. Even though I can't go to work, I would only let the higher-ups know. Not even my best friend needs to know about that, and I won't invade his privacy either.
2. Asking anything not related to work, unless they brought up the topic first. If they start to refuse giving any answer, I will stop and not investigating any further.
OMG, I would refuse to talk to that person at all. So rude.
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Old 09-27-19, 12:48 PM
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Re: Gaining Control of Your Mouth

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Originally Posted by Lunacie View Post
OMG, I would refuse to talk to that person at all. So rude.
I was about to post something very close to Lunacie’s. Why try to befriend those who are so rude? From your examples Monox D, it sounds like you were just attempting to have a conversation. This doesn’t sound like an issue with ADHD but rather with rude people.

If someone said “who...asked you about that” I would get very irritated. I would probably say “I don’t need your permission or question to talk. I’m not Siri or Alexa. Who made you the conversation moderator?”

There’s not enough Adderall for me to bite my tongue after being treated so rudely.
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Old 09-27-19, 10:32 PM
Monox D. I-Fly Monox D. I-Fly is offline
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Re: Talking too much

In both instances I answered "I just gave detailed answer to something you asked", and that silenced her both times.


Some days after the first instance she admitted that I was the one she's rudest to, due to my behavior, which is the result of my ADD/ADHD.
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Old 10-11-19, 12:32 AM
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Re: Talking too much

Quote:
Originally Posted by Monox D. I-Fly View Post
In both instances I answered "I just gave detailed answer to something you asked", and that silenced her both times.


Some days after the first instance she admitted that I was the one she's rudest to, due to my behavior, which is the result of my ADD/ADHD.
Blaming you for HER behavior ..... ding ding ding , that would be my BS detector sounding.

When accused of causing another to behave badly my response is along the lines of :

"If I could control your behavior, rude jerk would NOT be the channel I would choose."

You nor your ADD is the cause of another persons behavior that would the their department.


I can be chatty some times too much so but I do make a conscious effort to ask others about themselves and keep my mouth closed long enough to hear the response. Some days I do better than others. Medication helps but I do not always remember to take it. To rude people if I am in a good mood and medicated I walk away if I am in a bad mood and medicated I treat them with contempt. In a bad mood unmedicated I turn into super **t*h!!!
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