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Old 09-15-18, 02:06 PM
MindBlind MindBlind is offline
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Still feels like a lie

Without going into too much detail, I recently attempted suicide. Iím okay now - things are stable and itís business as usual. Iíve been working with my therapist trying to dissect what happened and why I feel like this. Weíre making some progress and I sometimes find myself actually smiling and looking forward to stuff. I have some ideas and plans about the future. Not huge plans, but being able to imagine any kind of future is a massive improvement. In spite of my newfound optimism, I canít shake this feeling that itís all ******** and that Iím just kidding myself if I think itís going to last.

I recognise that this is the depression talking and that I need to challenge those defeatist thoughts. I know that feelings as thoughts are not facts, but it is a fact that I feel the way I do and I canít reason myself out of that. I pretty much live day by day at this point. Thatís fine, I can handle that but it just feels like Iím cosplaying at this point. It feels like Iím just lying to myself and that if I keep pretending then maybe one day I might believe that things get better. But do they actually get better or any i just setting myself up for the same **** again?

I guess itís sometjing I can continue discussing with my therapist. Besides, if it wasnít difficult or painful to get better then nobody would need therapists. I guess I wonder how best to escape the pain from time to time, but in a way that is healthy. What works for you guys?

Also, thank you to the people here for supporting me in the past, especially during this recent episode. I canít begin to express my gratitude for the kindness that complete strangers have shown me. Itís nice to be reminded that most people want to do good.
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