Thread: Resentment
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Old 12-08-18, 08:02 AM
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Re: Resentment

Here's the thing Momming...any other time I would be the first one to defend the adhd'r and tell you that resentment is toxic but for some reason I do not feel that way with you. I think its because I know more of your backstory and feel (maybe unjustly) that his behavior is abusive and unhealthy. It really doesnt matter to me that he has adhd because in this case actions speak louder than words. I get why you feel this way and it goes beyond being annoyed at how little he gets to do and how the burden falls on you. Its his treatment of you combined with his lack of help that in my mind is justifying why you feel resentment. I am sorry to say this and I know resentment is poison. I am in AA and one of the things I learned was either to deal and come to terms with resentment (through writing and talk therapy and my sponsor) or change the situation with the person causing me to feel resentment. I. made peace with just about all my resentments, even those that if you were to look at them- you would say I had a right to feel resentful. But the biggest thing that helped me besides what I mentioned was changing my expectations which in turn eventually gave me clarity to break free of the toxicity of the people I was resentful with. In most cases I came to terms with what certain people were capable of. Were they capable of behaving in a way I could live with? Were they abusive? Was it worth saving? Was it worth my sanity? Was I being complicit in the relationship allowing myself to be treated a certain way causing the resentment? Since I knew I could only manage my own behavior I made changes. We teach others how to treat us. If we accept abuse or poor behavior without saying or changing anything then it will continue. If we move forward and go about our lives with peace they will either have to change because you have, or they will stay the same and end up being a person from our past. I do not know the answer to your issues but I do know your previous posts about your husband has made me angry for you *not my place, I know *. I do not think you deserve this and I think you have done nothing but support your husband and keep your family together despite his behavior and actions. In this case I think the only way for you to have peace since you are choosing to stay with him is to not expect a single damn thing from him. Expect no help. Expect no division of labor, help with your kids, loving talks. Do not expect him to care about how your day has gone or even ask you about it. Do not expect him to be emotionally available. Do not expect him to be particularly involved in parenting. Once you truly realize that you are doing these things on your own AND become ok with it, you will find peace. Therapy is awesome. Hopefully once he sees you letting him live how he chooses with you going about your business he might change. If he picks a fight with you say" I am not willing to argue about xyz today" and walk away. Repeat if necessary. Have you ever tried to argue by yourself? It always takes two to argue and if you refuse, you take that power away. None of this is easy. Hopefully therapy can offer you more than me. I had to cut some really good friends loose and it was hard but I overcame it.xxxooo
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