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Old 01-10-13, 07:41 PM
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Re: Dealing with grief and ADHD

DizFriz- thanks for your support. It means a lot.

I survived for 39 years without even knowing I had ADHD, so I know it isn't life or death. I know it is treatable, too. Just knowing what was going on helped me. Medicine has helped quite a bit, too.

I think the issues I'm struggling with are 1) I tend to get "stuck" in depression. Seeing someone about it, this time, though. So dont worry! And 2) OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPECTATIONS For my children.

My own hopes and dreams for my kids come into play also, but I've always tried to support them in being the best whatever they are without pushing them to be a certain way or heaping a bunch of "shoulds and shouldas" on them. If that makes sense. My job as their mom is to HELP them figure out what they are good at, not DECIDE what they are good at and tell them to do it.

Right now I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle with my husband just to get my older daughter assessed. Along with the barrage of guilt and shame that many Moms feel when their kids struggle. Is it something I did? Is it something I didn't do? Should I have worked harder on breast feeding? How did I not know I was pregnant for 2 whole months? That's the kind of stuff the critic in my head says. Logically, I know I was undiagnosed and unmedicated at the time and doing my level best, but that critic can be awfully loud sometimes.

I did finally realize that I didn't actually need his permission or even his blessing to have her assessed. I made the appointment yesterday and told him about it. He, in a nicer way, said something to the effect of "sounds like you are telling, not asking" and I let him know that he was correct. Considering the things that our marriage has thus far survived, it's not like he is going to divorce me over this or something. It was really kind of freeing to have that realization.

He is legitimately concerned about the consequences of an ADHD diagnosis and the state of our health insurance. As it is, we have 3 of 4 people in our family diagnosed with one or more chronic health conditions. In our current insurance situation, we pay a $5k deductible before our insurance picks up the tab for ANYTHING. After that, they pay 80%. As it is, our business pays for our insurance premiums, but if we suddenly had to pay the premiums out of pocket, it would cost around $25,000 a year. Last year, we met our deductible 6 months into our policy. To put that in perspective, we paid at least $30,000 in medical expenses and our family income is around $50,000.

I was without health insurance when I got pregnant with our 2nd child because no insurance company would carry me.

After growing up with a couple of mentally ill parents and 39 years of undiagnosed ADHD, I learned how to please people. It's hard to unlearn that all of a sudden.
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Dizfriz (05-04-13)