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Old 04-04-19, 12:44 AM
Lloyd_ Lloyd_ is offline

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Re: just another vent

Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
I don't know. I'm just talking I guess.

I will say I don't believe I'm in immediate danger of doing anything to myself...

But that's just it. Suicide has been entering my mind these past couple of months...and I don't know. I'm kind of afraid I'm pushing myself into that direction.

I lost my mom, and now I've lost my dad in many senses...and with him I've lost a whole heck of a lot of other things.

At the end of 2017 instead of getting ready to celebrate the new year...I made an internal plan not to live past 2018. This would be the last year of my life.
I've never wanted to grow old anyhow...and just feels natural that this is it for me. It's only natural for me to slip off that edge now that so much has been lost. For me to continue eating myself into my grave or whatever.

...But then I started a new group that meets 3 times a week, and I also reached out to an old family friend...and things started to look up again for these past couple of weeks. A new burst of hope.

And yet I'm finding I'm still so close to that edge. I'm still so far behind in everything. Life really sucks for me right now and I need so much, but can't do it atm. Stuff like money to fix my car and for clothes and such.
But I'm still also having issues just getting basics done.
My appartment is a disaster still, I'm not showering like I should (I do shower daily, I just don't really wash myself like I should), my clothes need a serious washing (my family friend said I could bring a couple loads over to her place to wash them <3 ), I'm having a hell of a hard time taking/staying on meds...and on and on.

Plus I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I went from doing nothing all day buy laying around playing on my computer and not interacting with anyone hardly in the 3d jumping up and seeing my doctor, and a new therapist and meeting with one of the guys who runs the new group 1 on 1, to doing the group with all the members (who I've never met before) 3 times a week, to my old family friend and one of her friends.
I'm not use to all this socializing, and my brain is foggy and slow and I'm expected to be nice and cheerful and everything when sometimes I just want to hide from everyone...and some of the guys (like the guy helping to run group and my family friend) are wanting me to jump up and do all these things like immediately start volunteering and exercising...

And they don't understand. I'm at the brinks of giving up...and they're putting all these expectations on me...and it's just so much. I'm so tired. I'm so close to throwing in that white towel.

I miss my mom

And then there's the fear of...well...what if I DO go and volunteer right now where I want to volunteer...but I quit soon after?
What then? I've already got all these sad things weighing me down...can I really handle another quit right now in my life? I've got such a long list of things I've given up on, and they often leave me feeling so devastated.
I'm afraid it could push me ever closer to that edge...closer to becoming suicidal.
I just don't even want to deal with the risk right now. I've already got a lot on my plate. I do want to volunteer...I know it'd do a lot for me. Just not quite yet.
Of course everyone's fear is that if I don't do it now...I'll just keep pushing it off and never do it at all.

I feel so lazy and stupid and broken. I think the guy running the group feels the same way about me. Like I need to stop moping around, get my *** up and just get things done. To grow up and man up and do more with myself and by doing so, I'll feel better about myself.
But he's only known me for a few weeks. If he really knew me, he'd know that I just don't operate under those kinds of restrictions and ways. Those kinds of ideas rip me to shreds and leave me a complete mess.
I really don't think he likes me.

I'm not suicidal.
But I do feel the tug. It's been coming. Those thoughts...that pull.
I guess I'm just typing to vent. To get it out there...these random thoughts.
I've been saying this around the forums a bit lately and I'll say it here again...I don't know if anything above made any sense. My brain has been rather foggy and slow lately and I don't always seem to know what the hell I'm trying to say haha.

I miss my mom guys . Losing her has been the hardest thing I've ever had happen to me in my life. I don't even want to think about it right now. I've been doing well not thinking about it over these last weeks...and that's all I have for now it just not think too heavily about it.

I want my future to be better. But I don't know. It seems like it's going to be so tough on me...especially with money...before things settle.
And I wonder how willing I'm going to be to go through all the rough times ahead before I make it to the other side where the grass is greener. I do believe my future could still be bright if only I'd hold on through the tough times coming.

I don't know. I'm tired.
There's a lot going on in my life (a lot more than I've talked about here), lots of change, lots of good things, lots of sad things...and still the biggest thing in my that giant hole that can't be filled inside my chest that appeared immediately after my mom passed away. :*(. I wish she'd come home and fix everything for me damn it. OMG...I have to stop. I can't think about her right now. It ******* hurts. It's not just an empty hole inside's a full hole. Full of nothing but anger and pain and sad and sorrow.
I miss my mom.
Please come home mom. Please?
The grieving process can unfortunately sometimes last years, I feel pretty damn hopeless myself atm, not so much depression but feeling stoic, believe me I want to check out as well but I'll be a hypocrite and try to help you out by recommending to get this book, puts things in perspective, hope it makes living in this world a little more bearable.

Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road by Neil Peart

"This bold narrative written by the drummer and lyricist for the band Rush shows how Peart tried to stay alive by staying on the move after the loss of his 19-year-old daughter and his wife."

I don't really come here often anymore but feel free to PM me if you need to vent.

Last edited by namazu; 04-04-19 at 02:01 AM.. Reason: replaced Amazon link with title and author of book, per ADDF guidelines
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