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Old 01-12-14, 09:22 PM
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Re: I wish I was a narcissist

Sorry this is so long!
I just got it all out and thought maybe someone would be interested in reading it, too. I dated and worked for two narcissists. They were the closest people in my life for 3 years. I survived. I have probably 20 pages between the two of them of just writing about all the stuff they did to me. That "therapy" honestly works. I would be uneasy not remembering all of that stuff since it burnt so much. So since I have it in a book it's secure. (this is not personal.. just explainations.)
OK... here is a very long explaination of narcissism. Frazer, sorry for blowing up your thread with way more than you ask far. I hope you can forgive me.

only if you're interested in this long answer I ended up giving about narcissists. I felt like important info was just coming and coming and I didn't remember what I should filter.

(I know this sounds like Im dramatic... but I truly dated one and I was a teacher's aide for another for a year and a half.. like her other aids... I had problems... theirs were serious and one was deadly I'm not kidding. That's a fact.) as a result i'm behind and I know a lot about personality disorders because I was looking for answers

Narcissists don't know how bad they feel about themselves. when they were younger they had a void in the way their parents were raising them. Whether smothering or dissaproval... they had a huge need to be the best, and throughout their childhood they were rejected and disliked, but the narcissist did not respond to this (he put up defense mechanisms) not because he could deal wth t so much... but because he was focused on getting what he thought he needed and being the best and ultimately having the ego that he wishes he had and doesn't know he already has such a damaged ego that after the early ears its almost to the point of no return (pretty sure at least by early highschool.. no chance for even a dent)

So, he hids the fact that people don't like him, that he is very flawed, and never learns that he is doing anything wrong. When punished by teachers he never learns the lesson correctly.. he learns it seeing the teacher as an object and her punishment as something that is a barrier... implying maladaptive behaviors like manipulation to get around the punishment and ultimately get what he wants.

By the time he is an adult, he thinks he's the best. Doesn't understand hes not the best (I'm thinkin of my old boss who was a woman but she looked like a bear to me...) that was mean but anyway.. he is so dilusional. He has no clue about his behaviors because he's grown up to discard everything and that need for meaning something because of the void was the most powerful thing in his life. He never attached and no one was really attached to him in a nurturing way.

As soon as you question a narcissist (seeing through his ego... which causes shame to anyone..) but as soon as he receives that threat no matter how tiny The narcissist as programed denies it's truth to himself and in his mind the truth is false) Because he doesn't see it that way... that's not why he did it...he had no regard for you.. he was just getting what he wanted. so he can never actually see that he caused an offense or acted in a less than perfect way.. that's why people say that at the tiniest slight that calls into question a flaw... the narcissist will errupt. Crying and screaming. All you have to do is confront them with a truth about one of their manipulations and the biggest storm every will occur. Most people don't confront narcissists... but now that's changing.
So, a narcissist only feels joy from having other people around him that he is better than. If he's not better than you he'll drag you down (obviously because he's a narcissist).
So.. the better a narcissist is doing... like if he has a job and he's in a high place.. and a wife who he chose because likely she's very empathetic and compassionate which is why she was with him anyway... which can happen to anyone until now bc people get it
So he has a job and a wife and those are two things that are called "narcissistic supply" If he also has kids... and they are great students and successful... than that is also narcissistic supply.. many of the people in his life are only doing things because he makes them. So a child is on the chess club... and the child always wins.. but she hates chess and is annoyed because she knows she does it so her mom can show off whenever they're in public. But, she still has this feeling.. and she always knew that she had this power that she could do anything she wants. so much was lacking but she had that knowledge. Then one day she stopped playing chess... her mom reluctantly let her quit. She deprived her daughter of any love. Eventually the girl comes and tells her mom she wants to play again to get some love again. The mom responds it won't be so easy this time.. a strikingly cold comment that damaged the girl.. and she played and she wasn't good enough. Her knowledge that she could have the power to win was gone. No more ego. ... so that's what the life of a narcissist's daughter is like. The narcissist disowns them urgently when they cause him any shame.
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