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MindBlind 09-15-18 02:06 PM

Still feels like a lie
Without going into too much detail, I recently attempted suicide. Iím okay now - things are stable and itís business as usual. Iíve been working with my therapist trying to dissect what happened and why I feel like this. Weíre making some progress and I sometimes find myself actually smiling and looking forward to stuff. I have some ideas and plans about the future. Not huge plans, but being able to imagine any kind of future is a massive improvement. In spite of my newfound optimism, I canít shake this feeling that itís all ******** and that Iím just kidding myself if I think itís going to last.

I recognise that this is the depression talking and that I need to challenge those defeatist thoughts. I know that feelings as thoughts are not facts, but it is a fact that I feel the way I do and I canít reason myself out of that. I pretty much live day by day at this point. Thatís fine, I can handle that but it just feels like Iím cosplaying at this point. It feels like Iím just lying to myself and that if I keep pretending then maybe one day I might believe that things get better. But do they actually get better or any i just setting myself up for the same **** again?

I guess itís sometjing I can continue discussing with my therapist. Besides, if it wasnít difficult or painful to get better then nobody would need therapists. I guess I wonder how best to escape the pain from time to time, but in a way that is healthy. What works for you guys?

Also, thank you to the people here for supporting me in the past, especially during this recent episode. I canít begin to express my gratitude for the kindness that complete strangers have shown me. Itís nice to be reminded that most people want to do good.

tudorose 09-15-18 10:21 PM

Re: Still feels like a lie
It sucks and it always feels like it's just lurking in the shadows. It's kinda like when it comes to your birthday and people ask you what you want you just want to be stable.

Anyway on the practical tanglible front I would take up cycling, roller blading, hiking or some other activity to help yoi feel free. In my experience I've felt the worse when I feel trapped. Get to the beach, swim just anything to provide a little relief. That's the best Ive got atm

Greyhound1 09-16-18 12:37 AM

Re: Still feels like a lie
Practicing mindfulness, exercise, smile, laugh a lot, along with proper sleep and diet helps me.

Learning to ignore negative thoughts is very difficult at times. Recognizing them when they begin and trying to nip them in the bud by changing focus and letting them go is my plan. It’s really hard but that’s where mindfulness can really help.

sarahsweets 09-16-18 05:45 AM

Re: Still feels like a lie
Mindblind- let me just commend you on trying to understand yourself and get well and coming back from the brink. I know when I have been there the world feels gray. Like I am no longer living in a colorful world, everything is just gray.
Therapy is amazing, do you know if any of your therapy involves DBT-like concepts? I use DBT to reframe a lot of negative thoughts and once I understood how it worked I have found that it really helps.
I will not be the as*hole who says "this too shall pass" because it doesnt feel that way going through it. But I will say its temporary and you will not feel this way forever. I PROMISE you that. You will not always feel down or hopeless if you keep up with your meds and therapy.

MindBlind 09-18-18 05:44 PM

Re: Still feels like a lie
Thanks everyone. I’m sorry for not writing sooner. My therapy is CBT based but my therapist is very holistic in their approach and will incorporate various different things into their practice. I’ve looked into DBT and while I don’t think it’s available where I am I think DBT skills are useful to learn. I’m not a fan of acronyms, though. I think that’s pretty tacky.

Thing is that as far as I’m aware, a lot of these DBT skills are for helping you through a wave of intense emotions, so as to not act out on impulse. But I tend to experience prolonged mood states. Do these skills still apply?

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