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-   -   please somebody help me understand something. (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=195200)

Drogheda98 08-24-19 02:10 AM

please somebody help me understand something.
 
even posting this message I feel, wrong.

when I first went into therapy 4 years ago one of the first comments I said was "I'm probably better than the top 1000 guitarist in arkansas". my therapist, scoft at me.

thing is, I wasn't lying. I've played guitar for over 15 years, more like 22 years now, I've been in the music scene in arkansas for 6 of those years, I've got to known a good amount of people, had a good time.

growing up, I listened to steve vai and people like him for influence and said to myself " I can be as good as those people at playing guitar" and never looked back. whenever I feel bad, ****ty or any other diserade state, guitar has been the only behavior that gives me sollice. after a while, other behaviors came to the forefront.

problem is, any behavior I engage at I become extremely good at, and, I feel I'm wrong, that I'm not supposed to be good at any behavior, that if I'm good at any behavior I might hurt another person, that if I'm the best, or play the best at any behavior, somebody else will see what I do and, I'm just not supposed to be good at anything.

yesterday I played a melody that, I was, I could hardly believe what I played and I felt really good at what I did, and now I feel really ****ty. I wasn't lying to my therapist, the % might of been schued, however, I can pull of steve vai licks and feel great, steve vai is, like one of the best guitarist the world over.

how come I don't feel good. I even proved that to my therapist, took my guitar to so he could see that I wasn't lying

I'm just, confused right now, because the guitar is just one example. do I continue to be the best I can at everything I do, or just, stop, because I don't want to be better than anybody else, but the more I do at any behavior I get better any any behavior really fast, but again, I don't want to be better than anyone else any behavior. ya plus, this is starting when my next semister of college is coming about

stef 08-24-19 03:30 AM

Re: please somebody help me understand something.
 
I think we (as humans) are molded into a competitive mindset at a very early age.
At the same time we are taught to be humble and not to brag.

With adhd, you may know in your heart that you are very good at something, but you don't dare to believe this because you struggle in so many other areas that it seems like your talent is just a fluke.

acdc01 08-24-19 12:28 PM

Re: please somebody help me understand something.
 
Music is one of the best things to be better at everyone else than. Cause no one cares that you are better than them. They want you to be the best you can because it's not a competition.

It's just about enjoyment. Enjoying music and creating the most enjoyable music. If you create amazing music, it's only to their benefit cause they get to listen to it.

I would just enjoy making music and not compare yourself to others while you do it. If I'm being honest, the only way I think you'll find forever happiness is to learn how to not compare yourself to others (which you often seem to do not just in music).

I suspect that may be extremely difficult to do though so for not long term happiness but short term happiness,if you can't stop comparing yourself to others - just know, no one else cares whether you are better than them or not (especially in music). So go ahead and believe you are better than everyone else without guilt cause it doesn't affect their happiness - only yours. If you fill your life with many instances of short term happiness, that's essentially long term happiness.

Greyhound1 08-24-19 12:28 PM

Re: please somebody help me understand something.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Drogheda98 (Post 2020123)
even posting this message I feel, wrong.

when I first went into therapy 4 years ago one of the first comments I said was "I'm probably better than the top 1000 guitarist in arkansas". my therapist, scoft at me.

thing is, I wasn't lying. I've played guitar for over 15 years, more like 22 years now, I've been in the music scene in arkansas for 6 of those years, I've got to known a good amount of people, had a good time.

growing up, I listened to steve vai and people like him for influence and said to myself " I can be as good as those people at playing guitar" and never looked back. whenever I feel bad, ****ty or any other diserade state, guitar has been the only behavior that gives me sollice. after a while, other behaviors came to the forefront.

problem is, any behavior I engage at I become extremely good at, and, I feel I'm wrong, that I'm not supposed to be good at any behavior, that if I'm good at any behavior I might hurt another person, that if I'm the best, or play the best at any behavior, somebody else will see what I do and, I'm just not supposed to be good at anything.

yesterday I played a melody that, I was, I could hardly believe what I played and I felt really good at what I did, and now I feel really ****ty. I wasn't lying to my therapist, the % might of been schued, however, I can pull of steve vai licks and feel great, steve vai is, like one of the best guitarist the world over.

how come I don't feel good. I even proved that to my therapist, took my guitar to so he could see that I wasn't lying

I'm just, confused right now, because the guitar is just one example. do I continue to be the best I can at everything I do, or just, stop, because I don't want to be better than anybody else, but the more I do at any behavior I get better any any behavior really fast, but again, I don't want to be better than anyone else any behavior. ya plus, this is starting when my next semister of college is coming about

There’s nothing wrong with trying to be the best at something you’re passionate about. Being the best YOU can be, won’t hurt anyone. Did it hurt when you first discovered how great a guitarist Steve Vai is? I doubt it did. Probably the contrary. His ability probably helped you to learn more and was motivating to become better, I would imagine.

I think trying to convince one’s self or others you are the best is where problems begin. There’s nothing wrong with letting your skills do all the talking and convincing. Saying "I'm probably better than the top 1000 guitarist in arkansas" sounds very arrogant no matter how true it may be. Feeling compelled to make that statement is the red flag imo. Trying to “prove” the statement by bringing your guitar to therapy is another red flag to me.

Even if Steve Vai said he was the best it would sound arrogant and insecure regardless whether it’s true or not. I know it’s cliche but actions speak much louder than words and talk is cheap. Let your talent tell people you’re one of the best. Having others say it will be much more complimentary and rewarding for you.

Making a bold statement with words just makes people want to doubt and question it’s validity. Making a bold statement using your talent will not. Displaying talent impresses people. Talking about one’s own talents usually doesn’t. Be humble and let your talents speak as loudly as they can is my best advice. I think you will find it much more rewarding for you as well as others.

Drogheda98 08-24-19 11:44 PM

Re: please somebody help me understand something.
 
thank you all that replied to my message.

it's just that, the past few days I've been, I don;t know if evolving is the correct word. I've been putting everything I know from what my therapist and everybody else, including myself, into perspective.

I've been connecting the dots, finding trends in my own thought processes based on the past and current, some stuff I like, some stuff, I don't. it's the stuff that I dont agree with that has nothing to do with any of you all that I find, challenging. I find the words of each of you encouraging.

good thing I like a challange:D, I think that might be the common thread with people with adhd, however, I could be wrong.

the thing about the guitar is, well, it's no lie. I read some **** on quora that had me doubting myself in a significant way. such a waist of time quora is.

so I think I'm going to do my best this next semester, for my first, healthy-selflessness and all that, so I can provide for the others in my future second, then... well, some of you well get this.

ABC
XYZ
123

Fuzzy12 08-25-19 03:43 AM

Re: please somebody help me understand something.
 
Imposter syndrome maybe?

And what acdc and greyhound said. It never goes down well to say you are the best of 1000th best and also what matters the most is to enjoy yourself though at times the knowledge that you are really really good at something can give a lot of joy.

Having said that your therapist hasn't heard you play...

tudorose 08-25-19 05:12 AM

Re: please somebody help me understand something.
 
My thoughts

Couple of things. Growing up I was expected to be the best at everything otherwise I was a failure. This was especially in regard to music. I wanted to do sport but I as no good at it so wasn't allowed. Now I am older I do not do music and prefer sport and I come last in my races. I don't have to be the best at anything. **** narcissists.

Secondly. Why does it matter what your therapist thinks? How is he relevant. Tastes in music are so subjective. It's like the judging on the ice skating at the Olympics. People like what they like. Whether you are the best is irrelevant.

Kaia.S 08-25-19 07:58 AM

Re: please somebody help me understand something.
 
A matter of viewpoint... what if being good, is not about you, but about the gift(s) you can share with others? I guess it's not your (competing) ego, who learned to play the guitar?

Drogheda98 08-25-19 03:23 PM

Re: please somebody help me understand something.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 (Post 2020138)
Imposter syndrome maybe?

And what acdc and greyhound said. It never goes down well to say you are the best of 1000th best and also what matters the most is to enjoy yourself though at times the knowledge that you are really really good at something can give a lot of joy.

Having said that your therapist hasn't heard you play...

uhh, ya, he did. I remember taking the guitar in not so much as to show him that I can play, however, I took the guitar in to understand that I can channel emotions through the guitar and just wasn't making it up, it's really how I first came to know my own feelings and moods, empathy and affection in any coherent sense. so I do agree with you fuzzy, what matters is what we can enjoy.

Drogheda98 08-25-19 04:19 PM

Re: please somebody help me understand something.
 
well, only sometimes


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