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My thoughts and experiences in Delft.
It's just life, so don't worry.
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Day's like this

Posted 06-28-11 at 04:13 PM by diced
"Day's like this
I don't know what to do with myself
All day -- and all night." ~F.Apple~

The 8.00 alarm goes off..
time for breakfast comes and goes.
... hmm, time to feed the cats.
what about breakfast.. right, better get some.
My 13.00 Alarm goes off..
hmm... So far I've only eaten 4 bits of DRI.
Ok.. so I put some bread in the oven and have myself some.. lunch actually by now.

I should really do some studying now.
but I find myself looking ADD:
-Just one more post
-The old-spice youtube channel?
-Filling a colouring picture
-Taking yet another shower

My friend calls. It's 17:30, not 15:00 like I thought it would be. There is still one and a half buns left on the table. The cheese I put on the table has begun to perspire, the butter ready to flow back into one smooth surface. The weather has changed from lightning, to sunny and humid.

Hmm I was supposed to have dinner there, better get my study stuff together, and get over there. I decide to leave the half eaten bun, and cheese on the table. If the cats get really hungry.. they'll know what to do with it.

On the way over, I noticed I started thinking about my ex. I recall that I've been thinking about it several times this morning (which was extraordinarily long at the expence of the afternoon, which has passed by without as much as a warning, other than the alarm which meant it had started).
My ex called me the day before, she thought I had given her a present, but it wasn't me. I still want to give her a present, but I haven't got it yet. (****e.. too many story-lines. I'll just finish.. well, round up this one, and get back to the main point in a bit.)

She sounds friendly over the phone. But she doesn't feel friendly to me. I don't understand her any more. Maybe I never did. My mind keeps on wondering what I want with this girl.

She's been a part of my life for over 6 years. We've lived together, laughed together, slept together. We rarely fought, if ever. We did mutually burden each other with our problems. She didn't get me, I, apparently, don't get her. I thought it would be easier if we split up. It is. I'm happy about it.

But I don't understand our current relationship. When I visit, she feels more distant then ever. I feel I don't want to share anything from my life with her any more. But that goes against my own principles. She instigated it a while back when she said "I don't want anything to do with you any more". I found that really harsh and mean! It's the main thing that really hurt me in the brake-up. Ever since, I've suppressed any feeling for her, I guess they're building up pressure in my thought cloud. I'm not angry (I think?) with her. I certainly don't miss her.

FART! But I don't want to just throw away 6 years of intimate relationship with the woman. I know things about her she's never told anybody else, not even her brothers. How can it be that this knowledge is worth nothing over night!

I've pretty much stayed away from her family too, since. Even though I got along really well with them. It felt good to have a 'new' family. ... Gone at the flick of a switch. The second thing that hurts very much. I miss having family to communicate with. I find it hard to communicate with mine. (This stuff can make me cry thinking about it)

pfff...

I'm at my friends place right now. Still not studying. She is. I've been silent this evening. Not much I felt I needed to say. Or just too much deep thoughts, slowing me down, like a virus scan and malware would do on your computer. The surface looks the same, but some process is hogging all the CPU-cycles, effectively drowning all the output.

I'm not feeling depressed. I'm feeling, therefore not depressed. I can still make witty comments. But I'm not able to relate a story. I'm not able to focus long enough to make a coherent story. Writing helps. I can take as long as I need. Rewrite things. Formulate word for word. I find on day's like this, that I talk like this as well. Really slowly. Every word I utter is preceded by hundreds of words in my mind. (Heh.. in a language that's not even my own. I'm starting to forget Dutch words.)

I guess I need to flush out a lot of these thoughts. It would really help to create some room in my head, which I desperately need to get some studying done. Somehow I'm inhibiting my desire to flood this forum with posts. I feel my posts would be too long. About the size of this blog-entry. I wish I had the room in my head to reason some more..

but I'm full.

*clicks *post now"*
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