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Some Where in the darkness

Posted 09-15-13 at 08:24 AM by meadd823
I had never set my eye upon this man before and more than likely when my shift is done I shall never again set my eyes upon him this side of existence. Such is a day in my life as it is and had been.

No hits of this man's life can be found in the bare walled room. I do not know if he has children, or a wife. No clue about his trade can be found nothing pointing to his passions his political stance religious belief s or lack there of

Al I have to go on is he is an older heavy set man with a cancerous growth inside his head that has grown sufficiently as to cause his eye to bulge and his head to be deformed - I know he is dying.

I am there because in his pain and confusion he is a danger to himself to the point of needing to be under continuous supervision.

He awaken with a jolt and begins to move about not realizing he has lost the ability to stand - Alarms sound as I stand next to him, I can not stop him from falling and turn them off at the same time so I let them sound as I helped him remain steady on his feet.

He is angers to the point of wanting to lash out -In a flash I could "feel" his pain.

Brain swelling causes a pain nothing can ease - Sound that is barely audible to even the most sensitive of hearing is like daggers of white hot pain. The confusion you know is not right is unwavering - Your unsure of every thing - because no amount of mental maneuvering clarifies our perception of current experiences

Employees of the facility enter the room and I get the alarms stopped It was more important than helping him stand at this point for if I can get him to stop swinging I can hold him up a few moments longer = More people more stimulation more anger and confusion but nothing sears through a swollen brain like the sound of loud electronic bells

Once the agonizing sound of the alarm was silenced his demeanor changed. . .I knew that I knew - I understood portions of his experience. I knew what to do what not to do. . and it worked.

Using as few words as possible I elicited his cooperation enough to slip a gait belt around him so we could steady him without having to pull and tug on his body.

I knew to avoid idol chatter, bright light and become comfortable sitting in silence next to him for no amount of light or words were going to make any positive difference. I have had to learn how to be comfortable with in my own limitations.

It was not some metaphysical energy or supernatural knowledge that allowed me to tap into "My knowing" but a real life experience with brain swelling I had years ago.

Years ago when I slammed my fist into the front door with enough force that the outline of the impact remains to this day I had no way of knowing that it would be of any future use to me or any one else.

I did not see my experience of brain swelling as being any sort of blessing, especially not at the time - I did not see the mental confusion and agitation that almost ended my marriage as being any thing but a curse for daring to exist in the space and time. Tonight that curse became a gift - but the gift was not for me.

The knowledge from that experience became a small blessing of understanding for some one else

I think if all the times people come together because of trauma or disasters they shared. Yeah we become acquainted with other by having common interest, by sharing a place of employment or attending the same party but the relationship does become a real bond until it is cemented in hard times.

Nothing makes or breaks relationships like illness, hardship or disaster

In no way am I encouraging any one to seek out pain or suffering nor am am advocating any one to purposefully inflict it upon another.

It is okay to avoid bad experiences, I advocate seeking the lesson should one be had in an effort to avoid a sequel.

Too many times I have seen unpleasant experiences as some form of punishment for some thing I have done

Not all the things that happen to us are a result of any thing we have done It has taken a great deal of life and suffering to get me to this place of understanding

First lesson in life is shait happens to people who did nothing to deserve it.

Some time it is hard to make scenes of that - Perhaps some where in the darkness of death I saw a glimpse of understanding light.

The only thing more ironic than the notion of pain becoming a gift through which we can offer another some bit of comfort is the date scribbled across the rough draft of this entry - 9/11/2013.
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Total Comments 2


  1. Old
    Blanched Dubois's Avatar
    the beauty of bittersweet life in the human be ing is that despite the ugly dilemma and truth we believe we are often proved wrong by defying logistical impossibilities we call love

    love is the force no specialist can quantify nor disprove nor undermine it's ability to heal and cure 'terminal illness' if it is something we're open to receive

    people are always choosing to live or to die - that's all and once they realize death is the easy part they will begin to live for this short time is breathtaking if one realizes how to enjoy the ride

    and manifest their experience as joy despite the fact that the mortal coil will one day run down and that is all we really know for sure....isn't it funny how sometimes it all seems worth it?

    love your writing and thank you for your feedback on mine - the infection that kept me offline for a month save for pressing business has kept me from finding these types of authentic stories that are humanity at it's best and my favorite topics

    death and dying are portals - life is also full of portals for those seeking a way through

    i guess ya have to want to keep moving and honoring your experience following your own spirit without hesitation and no matter what

    and being open to ask for what you need and be open to receive it while doing anything you do with an attitude of hopeful acceptance of your vulnerability your human ness

    which is beautiful beyond words as it reflects back to us what we are and in a moment can change miraculously
    Posted 09-15-13 at 11:19 AM by Blanched Dubois Blanched Dubois is offline
  2. Old
    meadd823's Avatar
    There is no thank you button in the blog so I will just have to type it out - Thank you
    Posted 02-22-14 at 01:07 PM by meadd823 meadd823 is offline
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