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When your hands are tied.

Posted 04-18-13 at 01:35 AM by write4relief
There's no doubt I've been stressed out lately. Lots of things happening lately that my brain, my heart, my emotions, and my body haven't agreed with. What I'm finding to be a reoccuring problem steming from all of this is the powerlessness that all this stuff makes me feel.

Its a feeling that comes back, everytime something like this happens. When I get overwhelmed the one common emotion I seem to have each and every time is that I am powerless. I have no say in my own life. My hands are tied.

I think where I mean to go with this is I have trouble discerning whether these emotions are the root or the result of the situation. Are these feelings of having no say in my own life caused by the demands of my life (my husband, my child, work, my house, my cat Dr.s appointments, social obligations, etc...) does this emotion surface simply because for a while anyway, when more is required of my from everyone BUT me, it is true that I theoretically have my hands tied while I take care of whatever life is dealing at the moment?

Or is this feeling of powerlessness always sitting heavily in my heart and I'm simply able to handle it more efficiently because well, "life isn't so hard right now ". When things are status qua, am I simply ignoring this brewing problem and dealing with it only when it slaps me in the face when I'm overwhelmed?

Either way, the reaction that elicits when it rears its ugly (or accurate?) Little head is one of anger and resentment. And a need to immediately "take back my life dammit!"..... I want to make decisions without consulting my husband. I want to do what I want, regardless of my social obligations to my family. And with little regard for their feeling on top of that. That thought is usually followed quickly by guilt, shame. What kind of person am I to think those things?

Selfish that's what kind. But is it selfish? Really? Wanting to do things that make you happy? Wanting to reach out and touch those things that put your mind at ease. That make you feel relaxed. That make you feel like you again? Isn't that what we're all taught? To seek out what you love. Ensure you take care of you and your happiness.

Why do you feel selfish for those things? The only reason feeling gs of selfishness surface is because of your concern for someone else. For their feelings. Wand trust me. I am by no means saying that caring for others is a bad idea or wrong. Especially if they deserve your care. Your love. But at what expense are you sparing their feelings? Unfortunately, the answer is all too often at the expense of your own feelings. Which- circle back to the top - might wind up breeding anger and resentment.


How do you find that line? The line that States "here is where you are hurting yourself more than you would hurt them." How do you decide where that point is how do you determine if those feelings are simply natural reactions to stress or true real feelings that your identity is no where to be found. That the things you love are not able to be done because you made decisions to join/share life with your husband. Because you decided to bring a child into the world.

You expect to give up certain. Freedoms with marraige and motherhood and adulthood in general. But what happens when you cant determine if those feelings are simply longing for something you've had and lost because your stressed out or if this repeat feeling is actually a problem that you keep burying because its not "socially acceptable" or "what people do" or the most annoying response -"that's not how life works"

I love my "decisions"... I love feeling like my opinion, my feelings, my happiness, my life matters. Why should k not seek out what I love. It makes me feel grounded. It makes me feel sane. Life cant always be about doing what you "should" or "have" to do because your a responsible adult. It should be about embrassing your remedy. Especially in times of great stress. You need to seek out your clarity. Or your destined to live a life of feel feeling like your not worth anything because you've never given YOURSELF anything.

That's a lonely place. Been there - lets not lie - still there - and it sucks.

Yet... here I sit. Time after time. Trying desperately to overcome needing that piece of me I wish didn't need. That piece of selfishness. I can say with some certainty that even if this current bout comes to an end tomorrow, I will be right back here next time. Wishing I could embrace a certain piece of me that dissapeared a while ago. The ability go make myself happy.
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