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rant/babbling to myself.

Posted 05-13-09 at 07:04 PM by x.MissSammie.x
Just thought id do another blog cuz its been ages since i last done one actually its been ages since ive last been on here i kinda forgot about this site hm. Nothing much has changed in my life, it seems like i do really well but then its like i take one step forward and 3 steps backwards and i feel like i am back to the start. meh i hate myself, why can't i just be normal like my friends? They all seem to be able to hold down a job or make it through a whole course in college. I can't see myself ever having a normal life maybe one day i will get a job but how long will it be till i just mess that up? i dont even know what i want to do with my life i need a job (once all built my confidence up and stuff with my therapist) but i need something that will make me want to get out of bed in the mornings. but even then im not sure if that will make me get up in the mornings. Like i attend 2 groups now, one is a sports group and one is an art group. and altho i love my art group still hard to actually get up or leave my house for it. And well i used to love my sports group but now i guess i havent been to that for ages cuz i was ill and then it wasnt on or for whatever reason. I know i should be going to these groups but then on the day its like i dont wanna go even tho i do or like i can't go hmm and then i end up feeling really bad and guilty for not going so i end up feeling worse than i did. errrrr i hate it im so stupid and pathetic.

Then when it comes to my friends they just like really annoy me easily i mean this one friend i spent one weekend with her going out and then and then the next weekend i spent i think it was like 2 days going out with her and stuff and by the end i was just so fed up and annoyed with her and for no reason really just she was annoying me cuz i spent so much time with her when really it wasnt that much time id spent with her. And i got really annoyed with her over nothing really during the week. She was just like fed up over something and i was asking what was wrong and she like wouldnt tell me and then she went offline and it made me feel like **** cuz i didnt have a clue what to say to her... i dont deal with upset people very well like i dunno what to say to them and stuff i seem only to make it worse but yea anyways so i thought id send her a nice text cuz she was upset and like i found it really hard to send her a nice text like thinking about what to say and that, then she just ignores the text from me i was like errrr after all the hard work i put into that text i get nothing not even a text! yea i know i overeacted abit but still. and then she like didnt even bothered inviting me out that weekend! when everyone else was going out..i didnt wanna go out anyways but she normally asks me just err i know i sound pathetic but haha i dont care at the moment. i just want to have a rant :P

And now tomorrow morning ive got a meeting which im just dreding with my doctor at the clinic i go to and my therapist. me and the doctor dont get on..ok ive only met her once but still i didnt think much of her...i was realy upset and like she was asking me all these questions and i wasnt going to tell her she was just one of them people who just it didnt feel right talking to them like i didnt trust her and then she started to bribe me with chocolate!! as if im just about to go okay ill tell u everything now for chocolate dont think so somehow. so tomorrow is going to be a bad day tho i dont want it to affect my mood that much cuz im seeing my boyfriend tomorrow evening cuz its like our 2 year anniversary dont even know if thats spelt right but oh well and yea i wanna be happy about that and stuff. so yea think we are going to the cinema im not sure, hopefully i will be in the mood to go yea anyways my fingers are hurting from typing this much hahha.
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